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Another Melbourne Update

3238 Views 21 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Monika
Hi to those who remember me from a while ago and hi to all those who don't ...there's a lot of new names since i've been here.

I'm currently back home for christmas (for three weeks). Just wanted to share my story so far as it's quite positive and may give people hope.

The short version is, before moving interstate to Melbourne I suffered agoraphobia (frequent panic attacks), obsessive thoughts, and episodic dp and dr for several years. I was afraid of everything. I moved to Melbourne as a last resort to improve my life by turning it completely upside down. I was quite convinced that I may well die of fear by moving there and having to face all my phobias ALL AT ONCE (my phobias were...FLYING, public transport, crowded places, being away from my family, being home alone, being outside the house basically).

Well, I am happy to report that by taking the step and moving...I have overcome every single (insert very rude word here) phobia I ever had. And dp and dr are a thing of the past. I quite simply cannot believe it. Imagine if I had stayed home and let my fear dictate my life. I worry I come across as glib and preachy here, like Im bragging or trying to sell you something but I just wanted to share. I'm just so relieved. It is very possible to overcome fear by walking straight towards it.

Another thing too, since I've gotten home, I've noticed some of my worries and anxiety sensations return. I figure that there are a lot of triggers here that are putting me in the same head space I was in when I had the anxiety so i don't let it worry me too much although it's not a nice experience. Just goes to show we condition our environment to trigger anxiety over time. That's why it's good to get out there and shake things up by doing different things that keep our brains occupied.

Anyway, I hope to hear from any of you who has helped to get my scared arse over to where I am. Thank you.

Merry Christmas to you all,
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wow. this is such an interesting post. i actually tried that twice and it didnt work i just got worse.. but im pretty sure my circumstances were a bit different. now i really have a fear of leaving home because ive already done it and fell flat on my arse. i know i cant stay here though. being home is very unhealthy and what you say about triggers is true. theres too many lingering ghosts that i have to contend with here that just f#ck me all up. and everytime i come back i fall into that hole that i was in before i left. right now im deep in that hole with my head buried enough so that i can barely see the world anymore.

i think those triggers that you mention have alot to do with expectations. at least for me they are. im supposed to be a certian way and act a certian way in front of my family and my home town because they know me and they expect things out of me. unfortunately that person is not who i really am and ive had to hide the true me. thats why i long to leave because if im not here i can finally be myself and do what i want without being treated like a wierdo and dissapointing my parents. being here literally feels like highschool. like im hanging with the in crowd and i have to look and act a certian way so that i wont be shuned. even so.. i keep failing at doing it even though i try so hard to be someone else i just end up being a dissapointment. my whole life ive done nothing but dash my families hope and dreams of me down the toilet. i was supposed to be ms hawaii i was supposed to go to kamehameha school and on to UH as a star volleyball player so that they could watch me on tv and brag about me. that of course never panned out and i havent heard the end of it since. but im still supposed to fit this profile of me that they have in their minds, and because of my want to make them happy ive become someone else, someone that i absolutely lothe. thats enough to give anyone mental illness.
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for some it may seem like a stupid idea. how can you love your child too much? you most certianly can.. cause there are DIFFERENT types of love. there is conditional love.. and love that goes by a certian set of standards. and if you dont meet those standards or if you do something unexpected.. the love may be strong enough to keep you part of the family unit.. but it doesnt keep them from giving you the HARDCORE VIBE. :?

if i do something wierd.. my dad will get either angry or disgusted and hell put me down so hard that ill never speak of it again. my mom on the other hand.. if i do something that she dislikes or doesnt understand.. she presses her lips together and its like her whole demenor changes. i can literally see her energy get darker and more intense. the worst thing is that i can feel it and its the worst feeling i feel like there are icy hands around my throat and my words get choked out i start stumbling over them until i change the subject and never speak of it again. now that im in therapy i recognize it right away and ive been trying to tell her when she does it and how it makes me feel. of course she denys it.

i find is so much easier to just be who they want that way i can actually have a good relationship with them. but ive been doing it for so long that its come to the point of no return. either i start being my TRUE self or im just going to completely fade away.
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wow monika! that therapy story is incredible sounds like its working for you. i think once we can visualize just what it is that is killing us.. not our parents.. but what our parents have DONE. to see the knife in their hand even though its invisible and they deny deny deny. the denial itself is another knife because it confuses the hell out of you and makes you doubt yourself. if they would just acknowledge the pain they have inflicted i think it would make such a huge difference. instead they just throw more salt into the wound. that is why we have to take charge of our healing and not make it worse by giving into their expectations. we shouldnt fear them we should always see them as being on the SAME EXACT LEVEL as us. and if they do something fuckedup we should just tell them right off.. HEY.. what you just did totally hurt me. god did not put me on this earth to impress you.

i actually told my dad that. ive been saying things like this to him alot and he always cracks up at me even though im being serious he thinks its some kind of joke.. but even so i can see that hes absorbing it. im making alot of breakthroughs with both my parents though we still have a long road ahead.. and im sure that we will NEVER get to patch up all the damage... but at least i can say that im not going to have to cut them off completely. i love them both terribly and i want to have a good solid relationship with them both. since ive been going through intense therapy on all fronts.. i can see that in the future that will be possible.

good luck with your healing monika :)
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