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331 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Somedays, everything is fine, well, everything is tolerable.
Somedays, everything fails, all is unreal.

My last 3 nights of sleep were interupted, I don<t know why yet, waking up at 3am, then at 7am, just waking up, and falling asleep again.
No panic, no weird dreams, just interupted sleep.
That sadly affects my whole days. I think.

I just woke up, I can't tell on wich side I was sleeping, where's that wall ? Wich wall is this ? Feeling just a bit dead, just a bit alive. Still calm.
Got outside, looking at the end of the street, can't even foresee what's behind it, can't think what's further that what I see.
That image that I see, that still image, lifeless, even movement feels still.
That is my my impression with DR, that what I see is only an image, a flat 2D image, lifeless.

Heading to the convenience store, everything feels better in there, I don't know why, maybe my mind is so used to that interraction, forced to be human in front of humans, programmed somehow.
Heading for the journals, wanna see what happened in the past weeks on this planet, only stupid things, violence, bloodbaths and sad stories.
I see the coffee machine, I<ve stopped drinking coffee again, since 2 weeks, and I think I'm feeling better overall without coffee, but this morning feels like a day suspended in time, a day out of my life, out of this world, just a small cup then... :roll:

It's a long week-end here, 3 days without a place to go.
3 days without work, I should be happy, I should be happy.
Instead I'm worried about what I'll do, playing with my guitar, untill my fingers hurt.

Those days, where my only wish is to go to bed again and hope that tomorrow will be better when it's 8am in the morning.
Feeling like I've been awake for 2 weeks, without food and water, feeding on loneliness...

Lately I've had many new job opportunities.
I'm moving in my new appartement in july.
I'm gonna go adopt a dog.
I have had 4 *I love you* from 4 different personn.
I'm only 27 years old
A very comprehensive family.
A good job.
All body parts where they should.
A fast computer :wink:
A car of mine, red, I love it.
I write songs, some that I find divine.
I buy cat food once a week for the cats in the streets without home.

But I'm broken, by this terrible DR, unable to see all this above.
I know, I see (weirdly), I touch, but I can't feel it.
I never had DR before, before I took Xanax a year ago, I only had DP, that is mostly gone now.

Unable to go to the movies, it make my DR much worse.
Unable to watch TV for too long or play video games.
Unable to drive long distances, even short sometimes.
Unable to do sports.

But deep inside I know, I know some days are better, and some minutes of this day will be better, making me feel more alive.
As long as I breath I will fight my way through this.

Like I've said to my mother when she was worried someday that I was feeling so terrible she was scared I would commit suicide...
I told her...

If there is 1 single minute in each of my days that I feel good, it's worth all that suffering...a single minute of clarity, of feeling myself and this world, it's worth fighting to get another one.

So, that's the lesson of this post...
It is through pain and suffering that one will find happiness and joy.
The man that never suffered doesnt know about life and joy.
I may be broken right now, but I ain;t destroyed yet ! :twisted:

PS : Coffee is evil...
I shouldnt have had that cup ! :shock:

· Registered
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But deep inside I know, I know some days are better, and some minutes of this day will be better, making me feel more alive.
As long as I breath I will fight my way through this.
I love this, and i agree that if i had just one minute of releif, i would go through a whole day of suffering.
I like that perspective, thank you for sharing :)

· Registered
331 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Well, thanks for your responses all.

Sadly, things arent better...
I don't know whats happening since a few weeks but DR is getting very constant and stronger...
I do everything as I used too, but each time I go out driving my car it's so awefull, I feel totally messed up...
Maybe my winter tires making too much vibration ? :shock:

I never had that kind of DR before...
I feel like a junkie that took either too much or not enough of the hardest drug on this planet.
I'll sleep it out...(sigh)
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