Does anybody else notice they get pi**ed off the more scared they are?
I have some pre-surgical tests tomorrow, the long drive and just B.S. not that big a deal, an EKG and X-ray I guess, but I get so pumed with fear just being IN a hospital these tests are painless but hell. I made it thru bloodwork twice in two weks I can do this.
And I get to see the doc doing the surgery to ask last minute questions. My surgery is this Thursday morning. I'm supposed to be out the next afternoon, we'll see. I hope so. Then kinda laid up for about 4-6wks. Can't drive for two weeks. I dunno it's all just coming up fast and I hate hospitals and fear and ...Oh well sh*t.
I just feel so powerless I guess I get mad at that. Thats how anger and fear go together for me. Evven panic attacks mainly I just wanna scream or hit something afterwards but during I'm nothing but a scared kid trying to be quiet, can't ever let anyone know I feel like I'm coming apart. And dealing with emotions that I feel overwhelmed by makes me sick and pi**ed. Just venting. I'll be ok all in all I guess.
They said they'd give me some good a** stuff to relax when I get there on Thursday--my freebie high--since I'm clean n sober. But it wont be for fun it'll be for psychic coping. I'm not so much afraid of physical pain, just being not in control, like the recovery room and all that..you're just at other ppls mercy.
I live alone and have 2 dogs and am spending more time trying to get somebody to watch them then I am somebody to help me. And that makes me pi**ed that my friend-picker in me is usually faulty and I dont't draw consistent ppl into my life. It all feels like sh*t right now.
I hate being me right now, and probably dep down thats whats going on with me most of the time. I'm a good person I just go after me like nobodys business. I heard a guy say once, if someone else treated me the way I do I'd have to kick their a**. So true. Sorry all this negativity, just venting, thx,
--Jake
I have some pre-surgical tests tomorrow, the long drive and just B.S. not that big a deal, an EKG and X-ray I guess, but I get so pumed with fear just being IN a hospital these tests are painless but hell. I made it thru bloodwork twice in two weks I can do this.
And I get to see the doc doing the surgery to ask last minute questions. My surgery is this Thursday morning. I'm supposed to be out the next afternoon, we'll see. I hope so. Then kinda laid up for about 4-6wks. Can't drive for two weeks. I dunno it's all just coming up fast and I hate hospitals and fear and ...Oh well sh*t.
I just feel so powerless I guess I get mad at that. Thats how anger and fear go together for me. Evven panic attacks mainly I just wanna scream or hit something afterwards but during I'm nothing but a scared kid trying to be quiet, can't ever let anyone know I feel like I'm coming apart. And dealing with emotions that I feel overwhelmed by makes me sick and pi**ed. Just venting. I'll be ok all in all I guess.
They said they'd give me some good a** stuff to relax when I get there on Thursday--my freebie high--since I'm clean n sober. But it wont be for fun it'll be for psychic coping. I'm not so much afraid of physical pain, just being not in control, like the recovery room and all that..you're just at other ppls mercy.
I live alone and have 2 dogs and am spending more time trying to get somebody to watch them then I am somebody to help me. And that makes me pi**ed that my friend-picker in me is usually faulty and I dont't draw consistent ppl into my life. It all feels like sh*t right now.
I hate being me right now, and probably dep down thats whats going on with me most of the time. I'm a good person I just go after me like nobodys business. I heard a guy say once, if someone else treated me the way I do I'd have to kick their a**. So true. Sorry all this negativity, just venting, thx,
--Jake
