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(This a literal excerpt from my diary that turned into a letter to members here on this Depersonalization Community that adresses events that occured around this time of last year.)
"Just like I need to forgive Shelby and Callie and myself.
Forgive myself... that's exactly it.
Forgive myself for choosing all those stupid guys.
Forgive myself for how crazy I've acted in the past...
I am much stronger than that; I know now.
When I think about the year and a half...
I see the hurt and pain I went through.
For some reason Will comes to mind then Micah then Tommy...
I think Will first because I relate to him and it brings me to some of the darkest parts of that time...
In a good way and in a bad way...
If you know what happened you can guess at least one of the worst things might be and I'm so over it that it's not ever worth mentioning.
I won't deny that I was a Christian then but I didn't really act very pure on the site.
I take full resposibility for my actions but I also am able to point out reasons why I engaged in this behavior.
The behavior can be linked to PTSD with the accompanyment of Depersonalization and the actions were a way of escaping the stress that I was faced with every day with these disorders, as people and events in that time did not cease to stick the traumatic events in my face, and more disturbing events accumulated making it really hard not to ignore.
Despite of all the chaos it ended up causing (and now that I think about it the kind of punshment I have endured for these private and inappropriate acts have been far worse than the problems I was trying to ignore with this said behavior) I have chosen to not let these memories bother me.
Honestly I still have not come to peace in my heart with what I was facing at the time which this happened.
Although I haven't come to peace with the things I was dealing with at the time I have decided to not let the uneasyness of the traumatic events steal something that is very valuable to me, and that is my purity.
So here's the good news! Some really awesome people in my life have encouraged me to be strong and I realized how much I was choosing to ignore the value I place on my purity, and the value God places on my purity. They have also encouraged me to make a stand and really respect this aspect of myself. Whether you believe in God or not, I do and I choose to believe in Him always. A lot has changed sense this time last year and I have changed a lot too. I had an oppurtunity to buy a Irish calladaugh ring which is symbolic of loyalty, friendship, and love. I chose this ring as a promise/purity ring to God, my Father, that I choose to stay pure until marriage! Every day I put the ring on and make that promise to God to maintain pure, and I have! I am very proud to say that sense I have made the promise I have had a guy really pressure me into sleeping with him and he made all of the moves but I continued to tell him "no" time and time again and eventually he backed down. The fact that he tried to sleep with me knowing I didn't want to made me lose respect for him and I now don't even consider him a friend. He wanted to talk about him and I told him that I was not interested in being friends so I rather not. And that was that! I am really proud and happy about my descision!
The next guy I even consider to date has to be Catholic and he has to value my purity as I do. That means he has to respect all sexual actions to be for the marriage bed. He has to show that he wants to value my purity and honor the sacredness I place on seual acts.
I am not wasting my time with guys who aren't Catholic. & I'm not wasting my time with guys who don't put sex into the same respect as I do.
To any of you who have called me a slut, whore, whatever to my face or behind my back
OR brought up events that happened a year ago that may have effected my purity
this is what I have to say:
Please respect that I am a human being and have made mistakes that are more clear than they are not.
Share with me the joy that I am no longer that person anymore.
And encourage the person that I am now, a pure one.
I am proud to say that I have put these behaviors in it's rightful place, the past.
In order to do this I have forgiven myself and I ask you to do the same.
Realize that your calling me names od being engaged in the spread of or about this behavior is putting all of the hurts and pains that encompass this event back into the present. Which wouldn't only effect me now, but could also effect my future.
To those who don't respect my new lifestyle of chastity:
My body is my body, and someday it will belong to my husband as well. It is not yours to say what I will do with it. I choose not to engage in sexual acts until marriage and the reasons may have no meaning to you, but please understand that they have a lot of meaning to me. This is something I have stood on for at least 7 months now and I will not change my mind about this no matter how you feel about it.
To those who do respect my new lifestyle of chastity:
Thank you. As I have stated before I have people in my physical life who encourage me to stay pure and I am wanting to get more support. Please know that your support is highly appreciated!!!
I want to end off in saying that I forgive anyone who took part in this, and I forgive myself.
If you want to talk about this please message me on here or private message me on the chat.
If you don't know what happened I am welcome to sharing it will you so feel free to ask me!
Don't be afraid to ask if you don't know I really rather you ask me than someone else, who probably doesn't know the full story. Honestly no one knows the story better than I do.
I want to stress again that I WILL NOT ignore the way I and God value my purity.
My religion and belief in God is my choice and not yours.
My integrity to not engage in sexual acts until marriage is my choice and not yours."
Best regards,
Amina
