It feels like the original me, vessel, host, only comes out when I’m dreaming. There’s feelings sometimes with the memories but I feel like I have no creative, individual thoughts. When I was “born”, split, there was this voice in my head that tried to rationalize what I was perceiving, how odd I was feeling...at first I was acting on adrenaline, then modeling others, pretending everything was ok, even though I didn’t know what I was doing, was just lost. Then I had these false flashbacks. I don’t know. It was freaky and I isolated myself, shut down.
An alter this whole time (10 years)
When I think back to my dissociative episode/whatever the hell it was, sometimes I wonder if that was an alter created. If I am that alter, and the original personality went into hiding or extinguished itself way back then. But as an alter...I pretty much had no personality at first. I was blank. It was like I was just born. I dunno. I’m sorry and I know it sounds crazy, atypical. I have the memories of the original, a lot...more every day, but some things are obscure. I recognize who my family was, and friends, but every inside joke, banter, whatever, that I had with them or even in my own head was just gone. Is still gone. I hate dissociative disorder NOS which is likely what this is ultimately....I guess I just really want some input. I wish there was a definitive answer for all of this, for all of our experiences. It’s so dispiriting.
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