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The obvious question is, how did this happen? How am I sitting here, feeling so back to normal that it seems like I've always felt this way, when this morning I thought I was on the verge of total relapse. I'll give it a while longer before making it official, but it certainly feels... normal. There is no other way to explain it. It's the feeling that you can't imagine when you are in DP or DR. It's the feeling that makes DP and DR hard to remember or understand. Still, I know for a fact that I will at least have some emotions to work through even if the DR/DP is completely gone.
Here's kind of how it happened: About two hours ago, I was on the bus, and the world seemed to open up suddenly, within a matter of minutes. There was a moment when I was almost trying to hold onto the feeling and extend it, but I decided not to try so hard, to just let it be. Then, the feeling just sort of stayed. (This letting go might take some practice. I've tried it before and it helped, but only for a minute or two. I couldn't just forget about the DP/DR and come back later and it would still be gone like it is now.)
I'm not sure if the final return was so quick. It might have started a few minutes before I really noticed. There have definitely been more and more moments over the past couple of weeks when the world opened up a bit, became more rich and full of... realness. At the same time, I've been feeling more anxiety, real anxiety in my body, not the distant lack of emotion that can set in and be so torturous with DP and DR. That anxiety wasn't comfortable though, and a few times this past week, it was really really bad. I sometimes thought maybe it was a good sign and other times thought it meant things were going to get bad again after I had made so much progress.
Anyway, just looked up to look at the tv my mom and sister are watching, then back to the computer, and realized I am still here, without even trying. I can nonchalantly pay attention to one thing and then another. Nothing is disjointed! Everything flows. But it's not absolutely amazing or anything either. This isn't like when I recovered for a few hours last Spring and went into a near panic because I didn't think I could handle "reality". It isn't like those moments when the world seemed a little more real for a few seconds or minutes. It's very much different.
Wow, okay, I am suddenly a little bit happy and relieved. I suppose that's okay. Whew! Wow. This is actually really great. Just being. There's not even anything going on. It's totally an uneventful, nearly boring night, but it's an uneventful and boring night that I can experience. Ha! So there was a moment of gratefulness. Now, to move on with life, I think. I would love to talk more about this to people if they want. The recovery seems sudden, but it was actually pretty gradual.
Can't even believe I'm writing this right now. I wanted to be here. I really wanted to feel this way again, and was hoping for it, but I guess I can admit I was afraid it was impossible. I hope to keep working on myself so this recovery stays strong, and just because I want to. I want to be truly happy and at peace. Look at that! I want something. Motivation coming through me! Actual desire for something! A desire that is not blunted by the disconnectedness and emotional numbness of Depersonalization and Derealization!
Alright, I am going to go eat some food. Which reminds me, on a final note, I wonder how much blood sugar is contributes to DP or DR. I started to recover when I started eating better, and these full reality moments over the past few weeks seem to coincide with me being just on the edge of comfortably hungry. Too hungry equals absolute misery for me and a worsening of DR, but I wonder why so many of these "real" moments coincided with being slightly hungry. Just a coincidence?
Anyway, please write to me if you would like to talk more. Or leave a message here. Not putting any pressure on myself to say I am fully recovered just yet, but I feel way better right now. It's a completely different feeling than what I felt last year or even last week. I hope this makes people feel some hope and reassurance. These recovery stories helped me through some pretty dark places, and so I can only hope these words will help someone else.
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Here's kind of how it happened: About two hours ago, I was on the bus, and the world seemed to open up suddenly, within a matter of minutes. There was a moment when I was almost trying to hold onto the feeling and extend it, but I decided not to try so hard, to just let it be. Then, the feeling just sort of stayed. (This letting go might take some practice. I've tried it before and it helped, but only for a minute or two. I couldn't just forget about the DP/DR and come back later and it would still be gone like it is now.)
I'm not sure if the final return was so quick. It might have started a few minutes before I really noticed. There have definitely been more and more moments over the past couple of weeks when the world opened up a bit, became more rich and full of... realness. At the same time, I've been feeling more anxiety, real anxiety in my body, not the distant lack of emotion that can set in and be so torturous with DP and DR. That anxiety wasn't comfortable though, and a few times this past week, it was really really bad. I sometimes thought maybe it was a good sign and other times thought it meant things were going to get bad again after I had made so much progress.
Anyway, just looked up to look at the tv my mom and sister are watching, then back to the computer, and realized I am still here, without even trying. I can nonchalantly pay attention to one thing and then another. Nothing is disjointed! Everything flows. But it's not absolutely amazing or anything either. This isn't like when I recovered for a few hours last Spring and went into a near panic because I didn't think I could handle "reality". It isn't like those moments when the world seemed a little more real for a few seconds or minutes. It's very much different.
Wow, okay, I am suddenly a little bit happy and relieved. I suppose that's okay. Whew! Wow. This is actually really great. Just being. There's not even anything going on. It's totally an uneventful, nearly boring night, but it's an uneventful and boring night that I can experience. Ha! So there was a moment of gratefulness. Now, to move on with life, I think. I would love to talk more about this to people if they want. The recovery seems sudden, but it was actually pretty gradual.
Can't even believe I'm writing this right now. I wanted to be here. I really wanted to feel this way again, and was hoping for it, but I guess I can admit I was afraid it was impossible. I hope to keep working on myself so this recovery stays strong, and just because I want to. I want to be truly happy and at peace. Look at that! I want something. Motivation coming through me! Actual desire for something! A desire that is not blunted by the disconnectedness and emotional numbness of Depersonalization and Derealization!
Alright, I am going to go eat some food. Which reminds me, on a final note, I wonder how much blood sugar is contributes to DP or DR. I started to recover when I started eating better, and these full reality moments over the past few weeks seem to coincide with me being just on the edge of comfortably hungry. Too hungry equals absolute misery for me and a worsening of DR, but I wonder why so many of these "real" moments coincided with being slightly hungry. Just a coincidence?
Anyway, please write to me if you would like to talk more. Or leave a message here. Not putting any pressure on myself to say I am fully recovered just yet, but I feel way better right now. It's a completely different feeling than what I felt last year or even last week. I hope this makes people feel some hope and reassurance. These recovery stories helped me through some pretty dark places, and so I can only hope these words will help someone else.
