It all started a little over 5 months ago... It may have been a mix of everything happening in my life, work stress, graduating high school(more so the fear of not graduating), losing the person I love so dearly, upsetting everyone in my life, or even seasonal depression. Yet, I know what induced it...
I was on antibiotics for my UTI and me, being the careless individual I am decided to take an edible the size of my palm. Between the thc and the specific prescription I was on this was bound to happen. Many people have a similar story, some not even including the pot. I remember thinking this high was so fucking great since it was lasting the whole weekend. I went out to a bowling alley that night and felt a "high" different then any before, everything was dreamlike and fuzzy, sense of reality was not there whatsoever... I waited for the drugs to wear off, but to my surprise it didn't, whoops clarification it still hasn't
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I would sit in my room by myself everyday stressing about whether life is real or not, it all became very existential. I couldn't decipher reality from dreams, I would stress myself over the idea that the people I loved, and the life I lived was all I dream, that one day I would wake up and everything would just disappear. I would do this any moment I was alone, any moment I did not have distractions my thoughts would creep up on me. I had no clue what I had or what was happening, which added to the irrational fears and thoughts.
I developed constant mood swings, the type where I will burst into tears with any minor inconvenience, my feelings and emotions would get so low, I dealt with suicidal thoughts worse than I ever have before, and the difference is this time I would think up plans. I would tell myself "you aren't living as is, you cant feel, so whats the point?" I would convince myself that killing myself would be an easier thing than dealing with life without the sense of feeling life.. I would go through life thinking my choices had no effects, I genuinely convinced myself that I was not real and the things I did wouldn't matter.
I really didn't tell; anybody about what I was feeling beside my boyfriend, aside from him nobody really seemed to understand, or even try and understand so I kept it to myself, especially because I didn't even know what the fuck was wrong with me.
The thing that was strange was I was always myself consciously, and I could feel that there was an issue, I just did not know what it was. I looked it up plenty of times, and came to my own verdict that what I was going through was "disassociation".
One day I decided to actually open up about this to my mental health councilor at my high school, and she explained to me that what I had was depersonalization disorder, because disassociating comes in phases, while what I was experiencing is constant. She helped me understand everything I was feeling, how it rooted back to the abuse from my mother, abandonment from both parents, the toxic environments that I had been in, the past anxiety and depression I had in my early teen years. I also learned from her that I always had depersonalization, and that when things got bad as a child I would get out of the situation through this tactic, and that at that point it did not affect me, since I was young and it was okay and all, but now at this point in my life as a young adult it affects my day to day life very terribly.
So today, 5 months later, I know that this is just my body protecting me. Its my brain shutting down from too much anxiety and stress and past trauma, and I am no longer mad at myself or my brain from doing these things.I can see beauty in life, and enjoy moments of life like I used to, and have a blast with people I love. I have learned to let this be a part of my life, but not control my life. I would love more than anything to learn how to recover and kick this illness to the curb, however I won't let it get the best of me, not now, not ever, and thats the best advice I can give to any other sufferers :mrgreen:
