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I feel as if all my life people have wanted to make me feel like none of my symptoms are real- just fragments of my imagination, and so i believed them sometimes that belief comes to me and I feel like I'm faking everything. I feel like i might be doing this to myself for some reason.
My parents never acknowledged my feelings and that lead me to do the same. people ask me how i am but im not sure how to respond since I've never asked myself that.
it's a moment of silence before i just ask the others how they have been instead.
they ask me if im okay but i still cant say since i fear if i mention something they will want to know and i can't even begin to explain anything.
at times it feels like im at war with myself.
I might do it to avoid boredom but when im alone i argue with myself as if there were two of us and arguments turn into shouting leaving me crying by myself.
I had a passion for art but now it feels like im forced to do it every moment of my day as a coping method. I also listen to music all day and just take my earbuds for specific people.
I can't handle disappointment so i accept drawing requests from my teachers tho it just stresses me out since,
I know i can move my pencil along the page but again another part of me knows ill never be good and nothing i make satisfies me and i feel like my art standards on myself get higher and higher till I can't reach them.
My ego and pride about my art is Extremely high though My self-hatred destroys it leaving me to look humble.
- but im not, not at all.. im very competitive
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