Inflammed said:
Mentally ill, Schizophrenic, no-one likes me - more like it.
I threaten people, and god damn do they T.HREATEN kate back..
I'm having issues..
I dont even know what g.enius means actually. I k.now it doesn't mean much (if you understand what I'm saying), my IQ is like a really irregular tide. So I'm aware (very aware) that I cant depend on it.
I saw a post observing that I write whatever comes to mind, without the normal considerations.. Considering that I have no conscious thought, I guess I have no mental inhibitions..
Like the same unconscious-type thought one uses when hypnotised where the therapist pushes past your conscious awareness.
I guess having no conscious thought, is the same as the mild thinking experienced before you nod off to sleep at night.
And mensa members are genius' my IQ is 126..
I'll write it until the day I die, my "face fell off" when I was 5 on the first day of the first grade when my mum freaked me out. And my conscious thought stopped and my face stayed fallen off.
And, when the loony therapist freaked me out this year I split backwards DEEPER into my brain and got conscious thought back, but really loud. That's it.
My mum broke my will. And I have no conscious thought. And, my IQ is only 126. I get very high stress (Like when I came back after 2 weeks) and I feel that E.VERYWHERE is an enemy. I get a head that functions like a blur.
It's interesting that Revelation uses the term "distracting & irritating" to describe me, because that's exactly how I percieve life & people (always have) and "gavin's" comment of infuriating, because I find life/people to be that too, always have.
I dont feel safe going to a Psych ward, because I am misunderstood. They never find ALL the symptoms of Schizophrenia, they just P.retend they do.
I am afraid of the conscious decisions of others, and the horrorfying willfulness of others. I think I was afraid of my mother to an extent that my M.ASSIVE split from contents of awareness was a split second choice.
My Mum spent my entire childhood up until age 5 "loosening up" my mental inhibitions until they snapped into an extreme out of control mode. I think, maybe the dropping out of conscious thinking, and my face falling off (so to speak) was trying to protect me from Her behaviour.
When I am stressed, like on the 19th, my brain felt like fuzz, and had extreme blinding pressure & emotions inside it. It was a blur, I felt very threatened & in danger, my mental inhibitions and brain junk were at their worst. Very intense.
Since leaving home, and USUALLY on the internet, I have scraps of paper next to the computer to give me a "helmet" like a fake frontal lobe mask.. they might say "Asperger's" "Be embarrased" "Be calm" "Be nice" "Repress anger".
I use these stupid, ever changing notes, to give me a fake "mask" to apply to my dead frontal lobe function. In public I carry notes and say the chosen phrase over and over again all day to create a fake "mask". Sometimes I forget what's written down and panic because I am left absolutely empty and exposed and foolish, with no mask at all. I then scramble in a panic to find the note in my bag.
After my head lost conscious thinking, my mum filled me up with a fake mask that slowly fell away to nothing after I left home. I sound smart, but my IQ is only 126, but my head has had severe restrictions placed on it.
I think the naivety of my Autistic disorder, has left me vulnerable to my Mums game and manipulation. After 11 months out of home the entire "self" in my frontal lobes has pretty much "fallen out" leaving me with a thoughtless mentality and persona very close (Sometimes) to who I was around the age of 4. Quiet, soft, defensive & "thinking". Separate from people and an island.