So for 7 months I have been on a awakening "trip" which has just come to its climax. Im suffering like hell. FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS I REALIZE THAT THIS "SELF" CANT EXIST ANYMORE, ANY IDENTIFICATION WITH "I" IN MY HEAD CAUSES SUFFERING. EACH AND EVERY.
I havent followed this path that intensely and didnt want by any means to be become awaken that way, just chose it for mental illness reasons.
I am suffering something with delusional beliefs but I cant let them go.
I dont know if I am having an awakening. I feel terrible. I am realizing that I am not the one in my head. Just in that moment it feels like: nope thats not you and you will never ever be able to re-identify normally with it. BUT NOT IN A PLEASANT WAY. I AM LAYING IN MY BED AND RATHER FEEL SUICIDAL AND HOPELESS THAN ANYTHING ELSE. I HAVE A HUGE IDENTITY CRISIS (I AM 18 YEARS OLD).
It creates a huge conflict inside me. It feels like my ego is falling apart in 1000 pieces. It feels like I cant hold on to anything. I feel like I am not this body, just CONSCIOUSNESS, I AM FORMLESS, NOT THE ONE ON MY ID, NOT "I". MY MIND JUST MADE ME REALIZE THAT BY ITS OWN HORRIBLE THOUGHT GAMES IT PLAYED ON ME.
BUT I CANT DO ANYTHING BUT RESIST THIS REALIZATION WHICH MAKES ME HOPELESS. I AM OVERWHELMED.
In August last year I felt like my ego was slowly dying, feeling like "I" couldnt exist anymore. The last few days I was ruminating about that. Something changed in me the past months. I realized that I can only live if I just live in the moment and ignore any bad patterns, any IDENTIFICATION WITH MIND AND "I" CAUSED ASAP SUICIDAL FEELINGS
The last days Ive been identifying with it immensely and it felt like "boom, do "I" really live?" And my mind says: you cant logically exist anymore. And boom the realization that I am just awareness popped in.
How will I ever be able to live normally after this realization? It doesnt feel like it is a "right" awakening.
I am sorry for putting my weight of issues on your shoulders.