Today wasn't that great. My DPDR has been a roller coasters ride all day. Now it's getting dark and the worst is yet to come.
I had a lot of running around to do today. That doesn't bother me though. In fact, I like running around. Keeps my mind off things.
However today I had a wedding to go to. I didn't want to but I went anyways.
The church part...the actual wedding was okay. The suppers however are not going as good.
I look around at everyone here and wonder:
"Does anyone feel what I feel? Will anyone here ever feel what I feel? Or will they all just live their lives unaware of it all? Unaware of the fear, the pain, the unknown?"
I'm jealous of them. It's almost a hatred towards them.
The lights in this building are killing me. I Hate Lights.
I want to leave but the truth is, there's nothing for me at home. It's just as bad there as it is here.
My boyfriend doesn't understand any of it. I try to talk to him but he doesn't talk back. I don't know what to do because he's the only person I talk to... I have no one else.
He gets mad at me when I ask to do certain things...things he doesn't want to do. He doesn't understand what doing those things mean to me though. It's an escape from it all.
It's very hard to go threw all this with no one to talk to about it that's not a doctor.
No one truly understands.
If I'm being perfectly honest, I don't really like talking about it out loud but that doesn't mean there aren't times I want to talk. I do. It's just when I talk about it out loud I start to feel stupid and crazy. I know I'm not but I feel like I am.
I can talk on here though. I'm not saying it out loud. I'm typing it, that's different. It's better. It's easier. It's safe.
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