hey everyone,
i'm not sure if any of you remember me, but i posted here a lot last year and i've come back partly because i am experiecing some relapse and partly because I wanted to see how everyone was doing and offer some advice.
Let me start off by recapping my story. I always had weird anxieties as a child, sat up all night worrrying someone would break into my home, worrying about something happening to my family members etc - irrational fears. But I never considered there to be anything wrong with me.. until about three years ago, where I had what I believe to be a panic attack out of nowhere. I'm sitting seeing some play, and I start freaking out - convinced i'm about to die.. I think i'm having an allergic reaction or heart failure or something.. This was followed by several more similar out of the blue ones.
I started worrying constantly about my health, and developed full blown hypochondria and anxiety - and the rest is history, Slowly but surely I started losing myself and feeling more and more unreal.
If I tried to list my symptoms when I had it, I don't even think i could - it's all a blur and something I have to be experiencing to even be able to describe. Let me assure you, it was TERRIBLE and It was ALWAYS changing. As soon as I got comfortable with one perception of reality it would change again. I would feel like I wasnt where i was, like the present wasnt really the present, like I didnt know who I was, like the past never happened, like I was watching a movie and wasnt part of my life, like i was going crazy, like I was losing my memory.
Here goes my message to everyone: I survived.
I cried, and I paced, and I fretted, and I curled into a little ball and shook - and i'm still here today. I was positive, and i mean absolutely positive at certain points that I would go crazy within the next minutes - or maybe I already was crazy. I was positive my memory was deteriorating slowly, that I had some awful brain disease, that I was done for.
That was a year ago. Today I still worry about these things, and although DP has hardly affected my life as of late, my point is - wouldn't it have been comforting to know last year that I had another entire year of sanity? Another year to L I V E. And oh boy did I ever live. And it's so bizarre, but looking back on the last year of my life, it's not the moments where I was curled in a ball bawling my eyes out that I remember. I remember falling in love, I remember my friends and the insane things we got up too. My last year of high school, and all the incredible memories - the goodbyes. My first year of university and the experience it was, living on my own.
and I did it all, while POSITIVE I would go crazy in the next minute. Life still doesn't make any sense to me, I don't get why we are here, why this is happening. I'm still a scared, lost, fucked up kid. But I'm coping, and I'm surviving.
Write down the days you feel terrible, maybe a thought you have such as "I am going to go crazy any time now" .. then in a week, a month.. go back next time you are worrying. Look at that week, look at that month. Realize you DIDNT go crazy.. and then look at all the incredible things you've done in that week or month - and there is ALWAYS something worthwhile to look at in your past - you just have to find it.
Anyone who suffers from this, and copes - you are the strongest people I know. But now it's time to be even stronger, and walk out that door - and live life. The 'live life to the fullest" and "carpe diem" sayings are probably the most cliche around, but hold the most truth and are so often forgotten.
DP has been both a curse and a gift for me. I now longer live life on the surface, I understand so much more about myself, and the world - yet at the same time understand so much less. Questioning is never a bad thing, but it has to be controlled.
Lastly I want to thank all the amazing people here that helped me - this is far from over for me.. which is partly the reason I'm back. I have been extremely over tired lately and have felt slightly crazy. But instead of posting another panicked message I decided to be helpful, hopefully generate some discussion. That's what makes me feel best. Thanks especially to Janine, your kind words, your understanding, your comforting, your advice, and your book were key parts in helping me move on.
Good luck to everyone.
Matt
i'm not sure if any of you remember me, but i posted here a lot last year and i've come back partly because i am experiecing some relapse and partly because I wanted to see how everyone was doing and offer some advice.
Let me start off by recapping my story. I always had weird anxieties as a child, sat up all night worrrying someone would break into my home, worrying about something happening to my family members etc - irrational fears. But I never considered there to be anything wrong with me.. until about three years ago, where I had what I believe to be a panic attack out of nowhere. I'm sitting seeing some play, and I start freaking out - convinced i'm about to die.. I think i'm having an allergic reaction or heart failure or something.. This was followed by several more similar out of the blue ones.
I started worrying constantly about my health, and developed full blown hypochondria and anxiety - and the rest is history, Slowly but surely I started losing myself and feeling more and more unreal.
If I tried to list my symptoms when I had it, I don't even think i could - it's all a blur and something I have to be experiencing to even be able to describe. Let me assure you, it was TERRIBLE and It was ALWAYS changing. As soon as I got comfortable with one perception of reality it would change again. I would feel like I wasnt where i was, like the present wasnt really the present, like I didnt know who I was, like the past never happened, like I was watching a movie and wasnt part of my life, like i was going crazy, like I was losing my memory.
Here goes my message to everyone: I survived.
I cried, and I paced, and I fretted, and I curled into a little ball and shook - and i'm still here today. I was positive, and i mean absolutely positive at certain points that I would go crazy within the next minutes - or maybe I already was crazy. I was positive my memory was deteriorating slowly, that I had some awful brain disease, that I was done for.
That was a year ago. Today I still worry about these things, and although DP has hardly affected my life as of late, my point is - wouldn't it have been comforting to know last year that I had another entire year of sanity? Another year to L I V E. And oh boy did I ever live. And it's so bizarre, but looking back on the last year of my life, it's not the moments where I was curled in a ball bawling my eyes out that I remember. I remember falling in love, I remember my friends and the insane things we got up too. My last year of high school, and all the incredible memories - the goodbyes. My first year of university and the experience it was, living on my own.
and I did it all, while POSITIVE I would go crazy in the next minute. Life still doesn't make any sense to me, I don't get why we are here, why this is happening. I'm still a scared, lost, fucked up kid. But I'm coping, and I'm surviving.
Write down the days you feel terrible, maybe a thought you have such as "I am going to go crazy any time now" .. then in a week, a month.. go back next time you are worrying. Look at that week, look at that month. Realize you DIDNT go crazy.. and then look at all the incredible things you've done in that week or month - and there is ALWAYS something worthwhile to look at in your past - you just have to find it.
Anyone who suffers from this, and copes - you are the strongest people I know. But now it's time to be even stronger, and walk out that door - and live life. The 'live life to the fullest" and "carpe diem" sayings are probably the most cliche around, but hold the most truth and are so often forgotten.
DP has been both a curse and a gift for me. I now longer live life on the surface, I understand so much more about myself, and the world - yet at the same time understand so much less. Questioning is never a bad thing, but it has to be controlled.
Lastly I want to thank all the amazing people here that helped me - this is far from over for me.. which is partly the reason I'm back. I have been extremely over tired lately and have felt slightly crazy. But instead of posting another panicked message I decided to be helpful, hopefully generate some discussion. That's what makes me feel best. Thanks especially to Janine, your kind words, your understanding, your comforting, your advice, and your book were key parts in helping me move on.
Good luck to everyone.
Matt
haha.
