[mazeball]

It's just become a real nuisance. More frusterating than anything. (although I'm not very joyful most of the time now) I don't know if I'm just overeacting or what and that's what gets me when I try and explain it to anyone- it just sounds like complaining or making excusses for being a procrastinator. I just can't stop the thoughts ever! And I know of some possible solutions like you said excercising, socializing etc. but these are the very things that my condition causes me to avoid. Here I am blaming it on something else again instead of taking responsability for it myself. It's a vicious cycle of guilt and detachment. My emotions are constantly either indifference or completely over-sensitive, and every thought that I have is followed bu a complete contradiction- over and over. And I keep it to myself because who wants to hear about this whining. I talk to the family and I always tell them everything is fine and I've been doing this for years cause I don't want them to worry. It's been causing major problems with my job and my girlfriend. she doesn't understand, she just thinks I'm selfish and always thinking about myself. (maybe that's a little harsh cause she does support me but this thing is just another complaint to her) I guess she's not too far off. Be that as it may, for the time being I can't stop or change whatever it is and I want to. (as I'm writing this I'm wondering what the tone is for you- the feeling i have is that i'm just writing a list or narrating a story. I'm not down and out while writing this, I'm actually pleased that I'm writing) I know I should probly talk to a shrink about this stuff but I'm in the wrong country for that and in the past I've tried but it didn't help. when I was talking or listening there was no connection. I'd hear my voice echoing sounds without meaning (like i get when I'm teaching) or I'd look at the speaker and just see their face moving and sounds coming out but again as if i were in a bubble and there was little comprhension, just smiling and nodding on cue. So this is it. Is there something wrong with me? Is this normal? Will it ever go away?