[Monkeydust]

This is something that just came to my mind recently, I don't know if or how far it applies to other people here.

I remember up until about 14 I was always a pretty immature, cheeky kinda guy, the kind of person that liked a good laugh and didn't take anything too seiously. That was just who I was and there seemed to be no problem with that.

Shortly before I was 15 I remember thinking that who I was was not who I wanted to be - I'd rather be someone serious and respectable, a much "stronger" person and someone to "look up to".

In other words, I didn't want to be the person I was and subsequently was trying to "pull myself away" from who I really was, deep down. I didn't realise at the time that you can't change who you are a to such a fundamental level, whatever you try.

When my DP came on suddenly a few months ago I felt much more like a scared little kid again lol.

Did anyone else find this, or is this one "just me"? Can trying to be someone you're not for a long period of time result in or contribute to some kind of dissociation? Or am I barking up the wrong tree and trying to find answers when there's none to be found?

 

[Guest]

When my DP kicked in, my mind switched back to that of a 6 year old kid. Several months later I've hit 4 1/2 :wink:

Seriously though, I think that for some of us, the mind reverts back to an earlier age depending on how traumatic the events which led up to the DP/DR were, etc. I don't know all the psychological info to describe this, but I'm pretty sure that it does in fact happen.

You are not alone on this one...

P.S. For many years (throughout my teens) I fooled (wished) myself into thinking that I was someone that I was not. That without a doubt played a role in my breakdown. Here I am at 22 and I do not have the logic of a kid older than 5. You could tell me anything and I would believe it. Everything scares me. It really, really sucks.

You will get through this. I think we just need to rebuild our defenses, i.e. get some ego back..

Best,

Jon

 

[kenc127]

I'm with Jon on this too. I think our brain reverts back to an earlier time in life. Although consciously in the present, we are partially living in the early years. It seems that the brain goes back to a time when our needs were not met, and damage occurred. It is frightening in that it makes us feel the same sense of insecurity as a 5 year old kid would feel after watching a scary movie. It truly is one of the worst aspects of this disorder.

A theory I have on this, and it is only a theory, is that our 'true' self stopped developing emotionally during the early years of life, and the growing of the 'false' self began. We have nurtured and lived as this false self for years, since the 'true' self stopped maturing. It's like building a wall to its halfway point, then stopping it, and building a weaker replacement on top of it. Eventually the weaker wall on top will break down because it can't handle the elements, and we will be left with the half completed wall below it. These DP states are a breakdown of the false self, and the true self begins to repair itself where it left off many years ago. So we are left with the same defenses we had when we were younger, and we are left to face this big world with little person defenses.
The key around this seems to be to face the world and the fears, and learn to develop ourselves emotionally, and the true self will catch up and get up to par with where it should be. Of course this is a really tough task, but it can be done. Just a thought.

Ken

 

[Monkeydust]

When my DP kicked in, my mind switched back to that of a 6 year old kid. Several months later I've hit 4 1/2

Wow, that's exactly how I felt as well. And I thought I was alone on this one.

I remember a few days after my "bad trip" - which in many respects was pretty much a breakdown for me, as stress, depression and so on had been building for a long time - I thought to myself "I feel like a kid again". I was frigtened of almost any and everything and, like you, very uncertain, willing to believe almost anything (even if I knew it be ridiculous) and further scared by the fact that I felt this way. I was also much more sensitive to things than I was before, and much less able to be self-reliant.

Everyone at the time said "yeah, give it a few weeks and you'll be fine"....I knew the change was more significant than that.

These DP states are a breakdown of the false self, and the true self begins to repair itself where it left off many years ago. So we are left with the same defenses we had when we were younger, and we are left to face this big world with little person defenses.

Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

I think that relates to what some people around here have been saying about "narcissistic defences" which are developed from a young age; although I won't pretend to know what I'm talking about.

To add more weight to your theory - and again, I'm not sure if this is "just me" - since I've had DP and the rest of it I've remembered a vast of amount of material from my childhood which I never could before. Six months ago I'd be able to recount the odd memory here and there; now, though, more memories keep flooding back to me everyday.

To be honest though, I go back to my old "false self" anyday if the chance arose. I was pretty emotionally dead in those days, so I could pretty much handle any problem that came my way. I used to feel like a "rock" (evidently I never really was lol), and that was good.

It is frightening in that it makes us feel the same sense of insecurity as a 5 year old kid would feel after watching a scary movie. It truly is one of the worst aspects of this disorder.

Yeah, I agree completely with that.

I think I'd be able to have a much quicker recovery if I wasn't so insecure and scared of doing stuff I used to enjoy. My confidence - which was already pretty low - and my resilience - which was pretty high - have both hit rock bottom.

To be honest, I'm glad I'm not alone with this. A lot of people describe DP as some kind of emotional "deadness" - like they can't feel anything. For me it's been almost the opposite. Whilst I feel "not myself", and whilst I feel somewhat removed from myself and my environment, I'm often more sensitive and frightened than I was before.

 

[kenc127]

A lot of people describe DP as some kind of emotional "deadness" - like they can't feel anything. For me it's been almost the opposite.

Totally agree. I am too emotional. There are times where I feel dead, but most of the time I am struggling to manage my emotions in private and in public. I'm also glad to hear I am not alone in this. Take care.

Ken

 

[Guest]

I totally agree with you guys.

As for the emotions, the only one which runs rampant 24/7 is fear. All my positive emotions seem dead, while all the negative ones cannot be controlled. HA! I would expect nothing less from this great mind trip.

Also Monkeydust, I totally relate to the childhood memories. On more than one occasion it seemed like I was reliving past events, and felt like I had woken up and was a kid again, both in the way I thought and the way I felt. Kind of like I was watching a home movie of when I was that age, but I was in the movie. Very, very creepy stuff.

Best,

Jon

 

[Depersonalized]

I feel pretty much the same thing.
I noticed that somehow I started to lose all the beliefs I had before DP. All the things that used to scare me when I was a kid, scare me now. Thinking about death now gives me creeps.

 

[Guest]

you guys are totally accurate - that's what Regression is. The return to an earlier form of defensive structure - when the mind does so, the emotional memory reconnects/reactivates a similar age period. like an (unplanned) trip back in emotional time.

Primary process regressions

 

[Monkeydust]

Also Monkeydust, I totally relate to the childhood memories. On more than one occasion it seemed like I was reliving past events, and felt like I had woken up and was a kid again, both in the way I thought and the way I felt. Kind of like I was watching a home movie of when I was that age, but I was in the movie. Very, very creepy stuff.

Yeah, I've had that.

It's hard to explain properly, though. I suppose the only way I can really explain it as follows.

I've always had certain broad "feelings" which attach to certain periods or phases in my life - maybe a period as long as a few months, perhaps certain holiday or perhaps the time in which I had a particular relationship with someone. I use the term "feelings" with quotation marks because what I refer to isn't something so simple as happiness, anger, sadness and so on; it's a more complex emotional sensation that seems to coexist with a certain period of time, maybe representing the general thoughts had at that stage.

Such a broad "feeling" associated with a certain phase is usually indescribable, but, at least for me, they can be temporarily brought back by nostalgic thinking or, more markedly, by re-experiencing something specific to that time - usually a song that you listened to, maybe a film or revisiting a place you haven't been to in a while.

How I feel now, and perhaps how you feel now also, is that I have reinvoked these broad "feelings" that existed in childhood to the present. And although the events we're living through are different, and, as people we are totally different, that broad background "feeling" at the back of our minds seems to be "out-of-sync" with the present and instead representing our distant past.

I find that this greatly worsens the feelings of depersonalization, because, on the one hand, you're an adult with you conscious mind behaving as such, but on the other, the "background emotion" and in some instances your thought processes are more reminiscent of childhood.

The ambivalence in being who you are now whilst feelings as if you are the child you once were seems to fuel the feelings of depersonalization and "weirdness". It's as if you're unsure who you are, your sense of self is confused and you're unable to properly "connect" to yourself as a result.

Not to mention the fact that feeling as if you're reliving your childhood brings on delusional thinking such as "What if I'm dead and dreaming?"

I noticed that somehow I started to lose all the beliefs I had before DP. All the things that used to scare me when I was a kid, scare me now.

Yep, me too.

I've become uncomfortable being alone and even uncomfortable with the dark once again.

Four months ago I was perfectly comfortable walking several miles home alone through dark fields at 2 in the morning lol. If only I could feel fine doin that now.

you guys are totally accurate - that's what Regression is. The return to an earlier form of defensive structure - when the mind does so, the emotional memory reconnects/reactivates a similar age period. like an (unplanned) trip back in emotional time.

That makes perfect sense, but I've got a further question about the experience.

Is such a "regression" just a temporary phase - a defense structure that we've temporarily returned to and likewise "snap out of" in due time? Or have all our defense structures built on top of the earlier form been permanently "broken down" to the extent that we have to start anew?