it's strange what we can go through without losing our minds completely. the brain is twisted in more than one way. as i drift further and further down the road beyond recognition i suddenly feel okay. i still feel numb as hell but i'm so numb and feel so indifferent that i don't really feel bad anymore. it's seems i've hit a spot where not even my anxiety can reach me. atleast not for the moment. however, this is not how i feel all of the time but i think that this is my new "okay". it's funny how the brain works. it's like im not getting better at all, recently i've been feeling worse actually, but the my brain just makes up a new normal. a new okay. I'm okay now. 4 years ago this would probably have been the worse day of my life if i felt like im feeling today. but today im just fine. and if i felt today as i did 4 years ago i would probably feel freakin' awesome.
the last couple of weeks have been very up and down. or well not really up more like down and further down. i remember i ditched a party in the middle of it. i just felt so overwhelmed by everything. its one of the few times that i have freaked out with alcohol in my system. my friends were just pawns. i was too. the game was never-ending. i totally lost the concept of time. minutes felt like hours and so on. so i just started walking home, didn't even say goodbye.
then my girlfriend came to see me and she got me into a new comfort zone. as usual. not by the magic of love or anything, she's just very good at dealing with me. i do love her though.
she stayed for about 2 weeks then she went back home.
i had a horrible night a few days ago but i dont want to think about it right now, i need some distance before i can write it down. i think however that it could have been the trigger for my new okay.