Hello,
I'm new to this forum and just seeking some advice on how to deal with some of my DP symptoms I'm facing now because I have been struggling very hard and have had no one to talk to about them that really understands.
(background story)
It kind of gradually started for me. About a month ago I woke up from a bad dream(one of those dreams where you wake up a bunch of times before you actually wake up) and just had a panic attack because I couldn't figure out if I was awake or not. I was alone in my apartment and it took me forever to calm down. That whole week I continued to have those dreams which led to more panic attacks and truly confused when I was awake or not. Everyday that week i'd panic every hour I was going to wake up or I was going to disappear. I felt like I was going insane because I truly felt confused. A week or so later I had weird thoughts on if I was real, or If anyone around me was real. I felt like my surroundings weren't familiar. I continued to have fears I was going crazy. I tried explaining this symptoms to my dad (he's Buddhist and very philosophical) and he asked me a question on how I thought the world was created/how we exist. I had truly never thought of it before and I panicked. After that question I became obsessed with the worlds existence and kept imagining a blank white space in my head and how that's what would be here if there was no space/earth/us. I ended up going to the doctor and found out I had an overgrowth of candida in my blood. I began taking high doses of flucozone which led me to experience severe depression and brain fog. It also heightened my existence questions to the fact I couldn't function. I felt like I had to die because I didn't understand why I was living in the first place. I ended up going to the ER because I couldn't find any therapist in my town to talk to that wasn't a 3+ week wait for an appointment. The ER was a terrible experience and I went into a locked area in an all white room with no windows and I could hear people screaming "help" in rooms around me. It was insanely terrifying and I had a severe panic attack. The people working there were really helpful and understood I just wanted to talk to someone and took me out of the locked area quickly and I was set up with a counselor. After that ER visit everything changed. Even though I left it still felt like a apart of me was trapped there. After that experience I began to feel like I couldn't trust anyone, or that life was a trick or that I was on this earth for punishment or I was completely alone and life was just my imagination and I was really in a white blank space. After that I began meeting with a therapist and for a while I was feeling relief.
(now)
About 2 weeks ago I woke up feeling all of these things:
(This sensation happened about 2 days ago) -I feel so strange in my body. I feel like I'm trapped inside my body almost. I can feel my legs, arms, etc and they all feel so strange. I'm in constant panic about the feeling of my body, and the fact I have a body. Sometimes I have deep thoights on why I am in this body, or how the mind/ body work. I'm looking for relief or advice on how to handle this. It makes living each day very hard. I maybe forgot about this feeling for a few minutes each day.
-when I talk or think it feels as if I am not doing it. I have no idea how I learned the language I speak, how my mind can memorize things, how I know the sky is blue, how my voice works, how I can have conversations, etc.
-I have trouble identifying myself. I know my name, where I live, have memories of my entire life, but it feels as if none of it happened. It almost feels as if those memories were placed in my head or I just was randomly placed in my body.
-I have a lot of attacks on the fact alone I exist. Like I'll be doing something and all of the sudden I'll get this strong feeling and panic on why I am doing that, why I am here, and why I am in this body.
-My eyes feel so weird like just being able to see is so strange to me and I don't know how to explain it. I still see everything like I always have so I don't know why my vision feels weird.
-when I'm around other people I get angry that I can view how they live their lives, but I can't see myself living my life. I also obsesss over what other people's lives may be like or if they are real or if this is an illusion, etc
-I'm insanely bothered and obsessed with how there are billions of people on this earth, how earth was created, if any of this is real, etc
-I have a lot of "what is?" Questions like what is emotions, and how do we feel certain ways. When I eat food I question how I taste it. When I listen to music I question how I can hear it. Like I know I love my dog but I'll question what "love" is and how I can feel it. Or when I'm sad I'll be crying, but won't feel the emotional connection.
-Time is strange like days will go by and it will feel like hours. Thinking about how their is past/present/future freaks me out and how I will never get a moment back. Sometimes I'll sit in a chair and think I've been sitting here for a few minutes and it's been over an hour.
-dreams. I have very strange dreams and in every dream I have DP and I'm constantly searching for answers of existence or people in my dreams will tell me what life is. Sometimes I have sleep paralysis as well. I have constant confusion on if I'm in a dream or reality.
-when I'm outside I'll view the trees, sun, water, etc and I know exactly what they are but it feels like I'm seeing them for the first time.
-I question if I'm really even living my life or if I'm just stuck in my body watching myself live life
-overall I feel like a complete stranger to my body, my thoughts, this earth, etc. Everything and anything feels strange to me! I feel so confused constantly and very afraid. Sometimes I think that I'm not myself anymore but instead I'm viewing my self in 2nd person of observing myself but still feeling all the sensations/emotions attached.
-also thinking about living life freaks me out. Like something as simple as imagining myself doing anything normal in life like walking down a street, hanging with a friend, kissing someone, going to the store. All of this gives me instant panic like I shouldn't do these things or these things are weird.
-I have obsessive thoughts on why I'm living life or what's the point because it truly makes absolute no sense and we will die one day anyways. I also think about how I didn't have the choice to exist like my parents created me. I didn't have a say on being here. I obsess over what will happen to me when I die or if we are really dead now or what actually being "alive" means. I don't know I could go on and on. I question what "existing" means like when I die will I still somehow exist somewhere else or will I still have my memories/etc
-overall I'm truly freightened by my existence, and the worlds existence constantly.
I'm sorry for such a long post I just feel so alone and confused in this and am just looking for ways to relieve some of these feelings!
I'm new to this forum and just seeking some advice on how to deal with some of my DP symptoms I'm facing now because I have been struggling very hard and have had no one to talk to about them that really understands.
(background story)
It kind of gradually started for me. About a month ago I woke up from a bad dream(one of those dreams where you wake up a bunch of times before you actually wake up) and just had a panic attack because I couldn't figure out if I was awake or not. I was alone in my apartment and it took me forever to calm down. That whole week I continued to have those dreams which led to more panic attacks and truly confused when I was awake or not. Everyday that week i'd panic every hour I was going to wake up or I was going to disappear. I felt like I was going insane because I truly felt confused. A week or so later I had weird thoughts on if I was real, or If anyone around me was real. I felt like my surroundings weren't familiar. I continued to have fears I was going crazy. I tried explaining this symptoms to my dad (he's Buddhist and very philosophical) and he asked me a question on how I thought the world was created/how we exist. I had truly never thought of it before and I panicked. After that question I became obsessed with the worlds existence and kept imagining a blank white space in my head and how that's what would be here if there was no space/earth/us. I ended up going to the doctor and found out I had an overgrowth of candida in my blood. I began taking high doses of flucozone which led me to experience severe depression and brain fog. It also heightened my existence questions to the fact I couldn't function. I felt like I had to die because I didn't understand why I was living in the first place. I ended up going to the ER because I couldn't find any therapist in my town to talk to that wasn't a 3+ week wait for an appointment. The ER was a terrible experience and I went into a locked area in an all white room with no windows and I could hear people screaming "help" in rooms around me. It was insanely terrifying and I had a severe panic attack. The people working there were really helpful and understood I just wanted to talk to someone and took me out of the locked area quickly and I was set up with a counselor. After that ER visit everything changed. Even though I left it still felt like a apart of me was trapped there. After that experience I began to feel like I couldn't trust anyone, or that life was a trick or that I was on this earth for punishment or I was completely alone and life was just my imagination and I was really in a white blank space. After that I began meeting with a therapist and for a while I was feeling relief.
(now)
About 2 weeks ago I woke up feeling all of these things:
(This sensation happened about 2 days ago) -I feel so strange in my body. I feel like I'm trapped inside my body almost. I can feel my legs, arms, etc and they all feel so strange. I'm in constant panic about the feeling of my body, and the fact I have a body. Sometimes I have deep thoights on why I am in this body, or how the mind/ body work. I'm looking for relief or advice on how to handle this. It makes living each day very hard. I maybe forgot about this feeling for a few minutes each day.
-when I talk or think it feels as if I am not doing it. I have no idea how I learned the language I speak, how my mind can memorize things, how I know the sky is blue, how my voice works, how I can have conversations, etc.
-I have trouble identifying myself. I know my name, where I live, have memories of my entire life, but it feels as if none of it happened. It almost feels as if those memories were placed in my head or I just was randomly placed in my body.
-I have a lot of attacks on the fact alone I exist. Like I'll be doing something and all of the sudden I'll get this strong feeling and panic on why I am doing that, why I am here, and why I am in this body.
-My eyes feel so weird like just being able to see is so strange to me and I don't know how to explain it. I still see everything like I always have so I don't know why my vision feels weird.
-when I'm around other people I get angry that I can view how they live their lives, but I can't see myself living my life. I also obsesss over what other people's lives may be like or if they are real or if this is an illusion, etc
-I'm insanely bothered and obsessed with how there are billions of people on this earth, how earth was created, if any of this is real, etc
-I have a lot of "what is?" Questions like what is emotions, and how do we feel certain ways. When I eat food I question how I taste it. When I listen to music I question how I can hear it. Like I know I love my dog but I'll question what "love" is and how I can feel it. Or when I'm sad I'll be crying, but won't feel the emotional connection.
-Time is strange like days will go by and it will feel like hours. Thinking about how their is past/present/future freaks me out and how I will never get a moment back. Sometimes I'll sit in a chair and think I've been sitting here for a few minutes and it's been over an hour.
-dreams. I have very strange dreams and in every dream I have DP and I'm constantly searching for answers of existence or people in my dreams will tell me what life is. Sometimes I have sleep paralysis as well. I have constant confusion on if I'm in a dream or reality.
-when I'm outside I'll view the trees, sun, water, etc and I know exactly what they are but it feels like I'm seeing them for the first time.
-I question if I'm really even living my life or if I'm just stuck in my body watching myself live life
-overall I feel like a complete stranger to my body, my thoughts, this earth, etc. Everything and anything feels strange to me! I feel so confused constantly and very afraid. Sometimes I think that I'm not myself anymore but instead I'm viewing my self in 2nd person of observing myself but still feeling all the sensations/emotions attached.
-also thinking about living life freaks me out. Like something as simple as imagining myself doing anything normal in life like walking down a street, hanging with a friend, kissing someone, going to the store. All of this gives me instant panic like I shouldn't do these things or these things are weird.
-I have obsessive thoughts on why I'm living life or what's the point because it truly makes absolute no sense and we will die one day anyways. I also think about how I didn't have the choice to exist like my parents created me. I didn't have a say on being here. I obsess over what will happen to me when I die or if we are really dead now or what actually being "alive" means. I don't know I could go on and on. I question what "existing" means like when I die will I still somehow exist somewhere else or will I still have my memories/etc
-overall I'm truly freightened by my existence, and the worlds existence constantly.
I'm sorry for such a long post I just feel so alone and confused in this and am just looking for ways to relieve some of these feelings!
