[fingertingle]

So. In the middle of studying I had a random emotional breakdown just thinking of how I must come off to other people and how I can't have a normal relationship with anyone anymore. I cried for a half an hour and thought that at least in that moment I should recognize myself in some sense, so I looked in the mirror trying my hardest and I really couldn't. I just sat in front of the mirror crying and trying to recognize the person in the mirror and I couldn't. I've been trying to study statistics but nothing is sinking in. My brain is repelling everything and my test is short answer and essay so I'm failing it for sure. One of four tests. Super. But the truth is, I might as well drop statistics. I can't be a psychology major. I wouldn't even pass a psychiatric evaluation. I actually wanted to go to med school with a concentration in psychiatry. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? I can't think straight, I can't write, I can't do math, I can't concentrate on the simplest things. I wish I could drop out of school for a while, but that would only draw attention to myself, so I'd rather just suffer through all of this. I can't call a therapist, I'm way too fucking chicken shit. I'm sick of pretending to be happy. I'm sick of people seeing me as they see other people. I'm not like other people. I can't perform like other people. I can't have friends or a boyfriend or a job. I'm socially retarded and depressed and oblivious to most everything that is going on around me. I wish I could just wear a shirt announcing my mental handicap and that people would just turn their heads and pretend not to see me.

I lashed out on my best friend/roommate. I don't even know what to say to her. I don't know how to tell her what's going on inside my head. We've been openly "joking" about how "cranky" I've been, but its really not funny to me. She's the only person I feel even a vague connection to and she wants to go away to school next year. I don't even hang out with anyone else anymore. It scares me so much to think of being all alone like that. I've always had a best friend around. Soon I will have no one and fuck - I haven't even made a new friend in years so I'll have to stay home all day. I have to move back home with my parents who will just ask me the entire time why I think my sister is schizophrenic and what went wrong. I won't be able to tell them that something is horribly wrong with me too. I want my personality eliminated. I want to be packed with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. There's not a trace of myself I would miss. I act like a monster. The only emotions I feel are motivated by selfishness and guilt. I remember never feeling anger before. Now anger is the motivation for at least 80% of my actions.

Sorry this was pointless.

 

[Martinelv]

It's not pointless. We hear your pain and we've all been there. This board is here for people who are suffering as you are. You are not alone, and your life is definately not pointless.

Everything you describe sounds like Depersonalisation, with panic, rage, anxiety, and all the other negative human emotions that trail along in it's wake. You said you have a nervous breakdown when you were studying. Do you know why? Have you gone to a medical professional to get help? If not, you certainly need to, as a start. You don't have to live like this.

 

[boohoo]

fingertingle, I'm with you on so much of what you said. I really am sorry to hear what you're going through. Please try to get help.
I've started studying again after bodging up my exams 4 years ago, and I'm having trouble getting my head around things after so long but I trust that it'll get easier and I'll get those A's I need!! Don't give up your goals, even if it means going back to them later on like I've done. You really need to tell your tutor or someone, I'm sure they're used to situations like this.
I wish I could give you some helpful advice like everyone else on here seems to be able to do, but I'm useless like that. All I can say is don't be afraid to come here for help and support (oh no, this is starting to sound really cheesy now!) because we can all relate to what you're going through.
My life is a mess too, I've got no friends left. But surprisingly, I've found I'm quite secure on my own. You're not alone in how you're feeling.

 

[Scattered]

I appreciate you're post because of its honesty. I've been there completely and am scared that the same will happen to me again. I've alienated myself to the point where I feel that I might as well dissappear. I wasted the majority of my life and anytime I look back on the way I've acted or am acting, I start to get depressed and scared. This probably isn't helping, but its just to say that others are going through the same shit 24 hours a day and trying to cope the best they can. I hope you get better. I actually want to major in psychology and hope that I can finish college, but I understand the frustration of not being able to get things done because of your state of mind.

Relax. It will pass as it always does and you will feel better.

 

[Guest]

Hi there,
I think we can all say that this damn thing (DP/DR) has caused all of us to act and react in ways that we didnt think we had in us. It changes our reality to the point where times we end up very...VERY lost. We lose sight of who we are, where we are, and the very meaning of why we even exist! I think for most of us we have all tried to figure out WHO that person in the mirror stairring back at us really IS. This "thing" though not a drug (although for many drug induced) does indeed take its toll. However, the thing we must always remember that we can and WILL get passed it! No, I didnt say it would completely go away for all of us, BUT, we can learn to live with it and try to take back the things that DP/DR has taken from us.

Tony

 

[fingertingle]

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a little better now that my test is over.