There are a lot of people with depersonalization who had emotionally unhealthy childhoods. You're right that the frame of reference for what's healthy usually doesn't exist when you're a child. A child may feel safer and more comfortable with one parent than the other, which can alternate over time, but when they go to an entirely different household they'll discover that it functions differently, with its own strengths and weaknesses. Our points of reference need to constantly expand otherwise we become stuck.
A bit of very important tip to all of you - I'm 70% out of DP.
Dear everyone,
I will be short, working on my next music video.
So, my DP hit in 2010, through a panic attack during a hot day, during a hangover. I always knew I come from a dysfunctional family, but, and first tip comes:
Gábor
I will be short, working on my next music video.
So, my DP hit in 2010, through a panic attack during a hot day, during a hangover. I always knew I come from a dysfunctional family, but, and first tip comes:
- when you been emotionally neglected in your childhood, you don't know it. This is ABSOLUTELY important. You have no reference. So if you have DP, just trust me or anyone who says it, and go on
- when you been emotionally abused in your childhood, you don't know it. That's it. Crucial to get. NO abusive parent ever said: "Look, son / daughter, you are a little lazy ugly evil bastard! You aren't worth shit! BUT, know that I am a pretty bad abusive narcissistic parent and you shouldn't take me seriously!" NO. They just tell you the first part, and you probably believe it, even if not fully.
- MILESTONES. This is what I learned from Harris Harrington's program AND his free videos. EXTREME importance. In a normal household, it is like, you get your first girl (as a man), your parents tell you "Wow, congrats! You're starting to be a man!", when you get your first good grade in XY, they tell you "Wow! How good you are in this! I was not this good when I was a kid!". Of course, a narcissistic parent will never say that, but even a normal, loving mother who was ALSO neglected in childhood will have a hard time praising you in ways and in amount she never ever received. Or, "Now you are a man!" or "Now you are a real entrepreneur!" or "Now you are a real artist! You have fans!"
If you never got these "milestone responses" in your childhood, you will not give them to yourself if you never resolved this, and you can LITERALLY achieve all of your dreams, be a 7 times world champion in 4 sports, you'll STILL feel worthless! Of course, MENTALLY you will know it, but you'll still feel like a nobody. This is the cause of unhealthy perfectionism, which I'm sure most of people with DP has.
Gábor
1 - 7 of 47 Posts
I agree self worth needs to come from relationship with some person or object because that way we can have information about ourselves from a less biased third party. People have positive and negative distortions about themselves which they need to function, but these distortions can become a source of pain for introverted people trapped their own minds.Another tip I bring to you guys.
In DP, you all try to "solve" this, which is understandable, but know this: VAST majority of people with DP are INTROVERTED intuitives (in Myers Briggs IN). Introverted. Trauma, a dysfunctional family system made this introversion go TOO FAR in you.
What am I trying to say? How this can be an advice / tip again?
What I mean is, that the core of your problem is NOT something you can find "inside". The core problem is, that BECAUSE of the VERY SUBOPTIMUM care you received from your family, you simply do not sense, realize, understand, grasp, that YOU are a WORTHY human being. I know that when you have DP and read this, you don't really even get what the hell I mean. (Note: you don't need to have two "bad parents" in order to receive bad parenting. Lot of well meaning parents do very harmful things to a child. My mother for example is a very sweet woman (ESFJ, Fe dom, full of empathy and love), but she was running away from home, from one terrible marriage to another.)
Meditate on that thought again and again (don't obsess) for days, weeks, until you get what I mean.
Probably all your life, you just been appreciated for what you DO or ACHIEVE, and not just for the fact that you are a SON OF GOD (no religious meaning here! just emotionally loaded), a WORTHY, UNIQUE HUMAN, who brings COLOR to this life otherwise would not exist!
If you GRASP this, you will be able to face ANY anxious thought, life situation, life question, ANYTHING with a calm, non-anxious mind, which means a CLEAR MIND.
YOU. ARE. OF. WORTH. AS. YOU. ARE. Right now, there in front of the screen, reading. YOU.
I don't care which exam you failed, I don't care how you get fired from what job, I don't care how you acted drunk, even if you physically hurt someone (which I do not promote). You are worthy.
Relating to this to childhood mistreatment, a person who is mistreated by their parents often blames themselves. I'm ugly, evil, and not worthy of good treatment. Theoretically, this protects the child from recognizing their parent is hopelessly destructive to them because such recognition would be too distressing. At the same time, people including victims of abuse have positive distortions about themselves that might function as coping mechanisms. For example, people tend to overestimate their own beauty, perhaps because they feel a need to be exceptional. Looking at these examples we see the average person isn't a reliable narrator on the topic of their own human value. Truth needs to come from self's relationship to other, not from self's relationship to self. Self can act as a moderator, choosing what external information to give the most credence.
Living in blame of oneself or others isn't the same as recognizing psychological trauma. Psychological trauma has real measurable effects on the brain in many different types of animals. People with dissociation, psychosis, and emotional instability are more likely to have experienced severe loss and trauma, plus they have an increased possibility of retraumatization. While moving on is the ultimate goal it often requires processing the state of one's own mind and life. Some people will need to be cut out because they're too dysfunctional or continuously abusive.
Our reactions are informed by prior experiences. For example if someone has an abusive egotistical father they'll respond to egotism as if it's an incoming violent threat. A similar thing happens to me when I see someone being paranoid delusional or invalidating; it reminds me of the type of households I grew up in and triggers a sort of rebellion in me. It bothers me to be stuck in traffic so I can attend some stupid appointment to supposedly help my meaningless life in a suburban sprawl. I resent the idle chatter of myself and my family. It'd rather live in the woods and eat squirrel or in a dangerous ghetto. When I go to sleep in an environment that triggers me I dream that I'm a child dealing with the same little traumas I left behind almost a decade ago. The only solution for me is to leave, and everything else is just coping. The only question is what can I do to prepare so that I never have to return.Right, agreed. But on the topic of childhood trauma, that’s something ingrained deep in our psyche. I don’t think Thysta is talking about someone still living with abuse. If they are still being abused then yeah, they need to open their eyes to what’s happening. Childhood trauma goes very deep, it affects who we are. But is it more important to uncover how you were traumatized or is it more about you as a person right now, which is inside. I don’t understand why thysta said it has nothing to do with our internal selves
When you say, "Thyrsta said it has nothing to do with our internal selves," are you referring to what he said to Trith? Basically what he meant was that guilt and self-loathing are byproducts of a repressive household and are therefore meaningless. I noticed many of your posts are Zen Buddhist in nature, not that I'm suggesting you should be religious. In Zen Buddhism there's this idea of non self. In some states of consciousness ego might dissolve, and that ego dissolution is sometimes productive. Being guilty about past mistakes or having the "wrong" identity like homosexuality is a type of nothingburger. Either we learn from our mistakes and stop repeating them or we don't, and who's to say what constitutes a mistake? Beating oneself up often signals a lack of progress. I think self criticism can involve humor and a sense that we aren't very important in the grand scheme.
ThystaBoy, not everyone with depersonalization had an abusive household. Everyone's triggers are different. Some people were bullied in school. Some people suffered no exceptionally ill treatment. Plus, the correlation between depersonalization and abuse has been established by some studies but causation hasn't. We don't know exacrly what the mechanism of depersonalization is, let alone what causes it.
Both of you are making good points you should try chilling out and listening to each other.
We're not too big on antisocial behavior here anymore, Thyrsta. You're just being plain awful.
1 - 7 of 47 Posts
Depersonalization Support Forum
A forum community dedicated to support for those living with depersonalization disorder. Come join the discussion about treatment, health, life styles, spirituality, medication, research, recovery, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Explore Our Forums
Recommended Communities
