Depersonalization Support Forum banner

A bit of very important tip to all of you - I'm 70% out of DP.

2164 Views 46 Replies 6 Participants Last post by  ThystaBoy
Dear everyone,

I will be short, working on my next music video.

So, my DP hit in 2010, through a panic attack during a hot day, during a hangover. I always knew I come from a dysfunctional family, but, and first tip comes:
  • when you been emotionally neglected in your childhood, you don't know it. This is ABSOLUTELY important. You have no reference. So if you have DP, just trust me or anyone who says it, and go on
  • when you been emotionally abused in your childhood, you don't know it. That's it. Crucial to get. NO abusive parent ever said: "Look, son / daughter, you are a little lazy ugly evil bastard! You aren't worth shit! BUT, know that I am a pretty bad abusive narcissistic parent and you shouldn't take me seriously!" NO. They just tell you the first part, and you probably believe it, even if not fully.
  • MILESTONES. This is what I learned from Harris Harrington's program AND his free videos. EXTREME importance. In a normal household, it is like, you get your first girl (as a man), your parents tell you "Wow, congrats! You're starting to be a man!", when you get your first good grade in XY, they tell you "Wow! How good you are in this! I was not this good when I was a kid!". Of course, a narcissistic parent will never say that, but even a normal, loving mother who was ALSO neglected in childhood will have a hard time praising you in ways and in amount she never ever received. Or, "Now you are a man!" or "Now you are a real entrepreneur!" or "Now you are a real artist! You have fans!"

    If you never got these "milestone responses" in your childhood, you will not give them to yourself if you never resolved this, and you can LITERALLY achieve all of your dreams, be a 7 times world champion in 4 sports, you'll STILL feel worthless! Of course, MENTALLY you will know it, but you'll still feel like a nobody. This is the cause of unhealthy perfectionism, which I'm sure most of people with DP has.
Thanks for reading! Keep going, healing is 100% possible, you are great people!

See less See more
  • Like
Reactions: 2
1 - 6 of 47 Posts
The tips are there, they just don't feel like tips. This is one of the biggest obstacles in recovery. That the information is in front of you, but does not sound like anything useful. Try to stretch your mind, I do know it feels hard.

To me, for years, emotional neglect as an explanation and solution for DP sounded like a cheesy corny idiotic stupidity. But that was because I never received emotional / psychological care.
This is the kind of thing that is helping me too. More generally having more consideration for myself, my achievements, my negative emotions and not just the positive ones, but the positive ones too, my opinions, my thoughts, what I want deep inside. And give myself that consideration and not try to make others give it to me. But there are many specific obstacles about this, and I think that even if this could help someone else, the details are probably very unique to each person.
In general, for me, it's also to get out of a logic of suppression of the things I don't like in me. But I have been using this strategy for years, and it takes time to find replacements.
  • Like
Reactions: 1
Right. There’s a higher truth at stake here. Blame itself isn’t the way. Finding out the root of your trauma is personal, never about someone else. Yourself is whats included. Therefore I can’t agree with Thysta. To go beyond the ego that most are trapped in is for all of that to lose significance. Not to live in self pity because you think you’re a victim of childhood abuse. Know what I mean? That does nothing, infact it’s nothing but a stressor.
For me the two are not necessarily linked. Imagine if someone runs a red light and hits me and then drives away, and my car is destroyed. The fact that my car is destroyed is the other person's fault, but I am the one who has to take responsibility for my car and do what needs to be done for the repair. For most people, acknowledging the responsibility of the other person doesn't mean they will do nothing about their own car or that they will not move on.

btw i have done that. to my own mother. i blamed her for everything she did to me while my childhood. but it didnt do anything to my symptoms. and i also dont know what to do with the knowledge of my childhood“traumas“. i remember a lot bad shit you know. a lot of horrible stuff. but again. what to do with them?
It's the same for me. I have spent years in therapy and have identified many abusive things mostly from my mother, and a lot of the time (but not always) the help it gave me seemed minimal. I don't know the answer. Maybe the culture of psychoanalysis is a little responsible for that, where we have learned that by just naming a trauma we should be rid of its consequences. Even some therapists seem to believe this and it's not necessarily the case. Just a thought, but maybe sometimes it can work when we identify the cause of one of our beliefs. For example I think I am bad at something in life, and looking at my past, I realize that I think that way because my mother told me things about it, and told me I would never be good at this, or that she hated my way of doing this or that. Then if I realize all my belief comes from this kind of interaction with her, I can realize this belief is not based on anything logical and it might be a false belief after all. And then maybe in my daily life, when that belief will come up to tell me I suck at this, I might remember that this belief is just a "memory" of what my mother used to tell me, for example, and is not based in reality, and then I would naturally modify it.
In this case, psychoanalysis would not be so different from CBT, where CBT only cares about the last step, and not really where the beliefs come from, they just change them "by force".

Not to live in self pity because you think you’re a victim of childhood abuse. Know what I mean? That does nothing, infact it’s nothing but a stressor.
Actually, thinking about the self pity thing, I think looking at past traumas can be used to sort responsibilities, find what has been caused by another, and to the contrary what is my responsibility in all of that. For me, self pity actually happens when I don't understand what is happening to me and what the causes are and what I can do about it, and I resort to thinking "why always me??" As if it was all caused by an unfair force in the universe that always targets me and it's not my fault. And then the self pity itself seems to be what is dragging me down and I might start to hate myself for it, and try to represss it all because it feels like it is self pity itself which is dragging me down. One way to avoid self pity, then, is to take all the blame on myself. And if I do that, then it feels like I am the one in control and I have my life together, but then I might hate myself and fight with myself. This is just a possibility I am imagining based on how i have seen different people in my family function.
But understanding trauma can precisely help to see that it is not all caused by magical forces in the universe that target me in an unfair way, it is caused by past things that can be understood and sorted out. I can sort out what is my stuff and my responsibility and what is other people's responsbility and not unconsciously put the blame on myself for things I haven't done. I can have anger about it at first like it is normal to be angry at first at the guy who ran the red light.

Personal annecdote ahead: I'm just describing here the problem my mother had. One example among many is when I was about 14, I went to a concert with her, and there was a misunderstanding with one guy, a very stupid thing, I looked at him to see if he wanted to past me in the crowed, but he thought I looked at him because I hated him. It escalated and all his friends were starting to join and were starting to hit me, stronger and stronger. I told my mother I wanted to leave, she noticed and we left. But every time I spoke about this incident later, I had some resentment, which I think is perfectly healthy to some level because that guy was just being an ass and really put me in danger. But my mother always seemed to confuse that with self-pity, and kept telling me I should not look people in the eyes, as if I should take the blame for what happened. And she was not saying this in a calm helpful way, she was clearly triggered by my resentment and was scolding me. And I know her past, she had very abusive parents, and she really hates self pity. And for her, every resentment I could express counted as self pity. As an adult, I don't need her understanding, I should know what happened and deal with it myself in my mind. But as a child you need support, it is just normal to support your child and support them in their emotions and validate them, because this is how they learn to do it themselves. But my mother has always had that problema and she was never supportive about anything, she always acted as if it should be my fault and I should never blame others for anything (ironically she was always blaming others for everything herself, that's where her narcissisim comes into play). And as you said, we learn these things from others, and I have lacked the teaching about how to deal with my own emotions in a supportive way, and I feel I keep learning this by myself now. So it's not about just pointing the finger at my mother, but also finding out what is my responsibility today. I do have resentment about her and it is going away slowly as I am moving on, but in my case it would be a mistake to just throw the baby with the bath water because I see I have resentment and think this is going to be self pity and repress it all. Which I think is what my mother has done for all her life. Resentment can be ok, and if I validate it and get comfortable with it without repressing it I can sort out what is my mother's buisness to deal with and what is my buisness today. But the fear of self pity is what caused by mother to reject the whole situation just because there was some resentment in it.

No, you need to wake up. Are you even considering the possibility of people with DP who haven’t had that experience, or should we all just start to think our parents have created all our problems? You’re literally preaching one specific thing to a group of people because it aligns with causations in YOUR life. Trying to tell me I’ve been abused because I disagreed with your sweeping generalization of DP sufferers is called trolling.
Yes, that's what I was talking about with narcissistic traits. Confusing our subjective experience with an absolute truth, and neglecting other people's subjectivity. Tres was doing that to another level, for example. But I have been there too and I am not out of it... I remember when I disocvered I had some psychological diagnosis, years ago, I started to diagnose many people in my life with it, and I really felt like I was the carrier of the good news. Part of it was genuine happiness that I wanted to share with others and I wanted to do something helpful for them, but the other part was that I couldn't just go better on my own, I wanted others to acknowledge the power of what I had discovered and I wanted to be the one who helps them and get the credit and the praise.
See less See more
  • Like
Reactions: 2
When people who are strangers meet on holidays, or at a party, or a picnic, trip, I don't know, and one asks the other about stuff like this "Did you do fishing or stuff like that with your father?", you think people with a normal childhood ask something like this?? "Why you think I want to prove anything??"

People who respond like that are ASHAMED (unnecessarily) of their childhood, becoming defensive.

I did not ask you to send me a naked picture of your sister. I did not cross any boundary by asking for a happy story with your family. Yet you deny, attack, insult, distract.
But why don't you tell us about your childhood? It sounds like you want others to open about their vulnerabilities so that you can give them advice. Isn't it a way to take the higher ground? You could very well tell us about your own vulnerabilities and your childhood in detail, and we could all see for ourselves if there are some commonalities with our stories. People are smart and they are masters of their own life. They are free to identify with your story or not. And even if some people were in denial (which I don't know), they can break out of it on their own just like you did without someone delivering them the "truth". By the way, therapists never say "you are in denial, here is the truth", because it doesn't work, because they don't know the truth, and because it is an immature way of dealing with other people's subjectivity.
And I'm really not saying you are wrong, at least about me, your theory fits my observations about myself.
See less See more
Wonder what's your next excuse will be.

I was 3 year old when I caught my mother cheating on my father, they started fighting when I told my father, they divorced after.

I was 4 when my narcissistic father robbed me from my mother's place during Christmas.

After that I lived one week at my father one week at my mother's place for 20 years.

Daddy is an alcoholic narcissist. I brought home 5 grades, 4 of them A, one B, weekend was spent me being scolded for the B, and he was constantly asking what grade XY classmate got for the same exam.

At mother's place, stepfather was beating her for 18 years, every now and then. My mother sometimes had to wear sunglasses everywhere she went because of the black eye.

Due to the constant fights and neglect of children, my little brother died in a home accident when I was 7 years old.

When I was 17 after a serious surgery, with an urinating bag on my side, my father hit me drunk, I could have died.

Other than that, I was a pretty good student always, won coding and Math competitions, started making music at 14 which I still do.
This is really serious stuff. But really it wasn't an excuse and I wasn't trying to prove something by asking that question. I just think it is a much healthier way to do things, if you are the one at the initiative of talking about personal stuff, it is much healthier to talk about your own than to go into other people's buisnesses.
  • Like
Reactions: 1
I'm not your fucking therapist, I came here to tell you tips that helped me, if you don't like it, click away. I have already regretted it.
Yes, and I am giving you tips too. So now you see what it feels like when others tell you point blank the "truth" about yourself. It doesn't feel good. It's not cool to tell someone they are in denial and you know them better than they know themselves. Even if you didn't do it with bad intentions.
  • Like
Reactions: 2
I really am good at getting people riled up at me for no reason. First I disagree with what they have to say and the next thing I know it isn’t a friendly conversation anymore. I don’t actually like or enjoy being toxic back. I just feel like it’s well-deserved when I do.

With that being said I have been a dick to trith in the past (which I’ve been forgiven for) (multiple times). But when I come to the DP forum now I look forward to seeing what NoDevils, Trith and Leminsaeri have to say.

Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot Thsyta. I don’t actually think you have nothing to contribute here. But you weren’t very nice to me sir.
For the part that is about me, don't worry about it, this happens to me too and I'm quite sure it will happen to me again in the future. But like you I also enjoy reading everyone here. Most interactions here make me reflect on myself and learn something new, regardless of if those interactions seem conflictual. Also, more and more often, whenever someone says something that I disagree with, even if it is triggering me, I tend to keep some part of the message and realize there is some truth to it and I take more time to digest it (and maybe find even more truth).
  • Like
Reactions: 1
1 - 6 of 47 Posts