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Long ass post lolSo I've been enduring this hell for over 6 years now. It's constant always there. as you all know it makes everything difficult. Mine started like many others, I smoked too much one day and bam, huge panic attack. I was so sure I was going to die. I even said my last prayers haha. Seems so long ago now. For a few weeks I had panic attacks. One time I completely lost balance without realizing and almost fell out of my chair in class. I was so out of it. Everything so distant, sounds muffled, emotions diluted, can't even really feel how sad I am. It feels like you're blocked from feeling everything completely. Essentially that's what derealization is right?
So all this started in high school. I've never been mr popular, but had even less friends because I ended up going to a different school than my friends from middle school. No real social skills at my disposal so I never get to many friends. I was and still am extremely lonely. I get no real support from my parents either. Rather than help in some way they just pay for a dr to listen to me bitch every week. I spend most days alone just doing what I have to do that day. Lately I haven't felt like doing anything though. Maybe I'm just tired.
The most frustrating part of this condition is that it's so limiting. I have high hopes for my life. I'm an engineering major about to transfer to a 4 year but I can hardly handle taking 1 class. I'm always fucking tired. It makes me so angry at times. To see my dreams laid out in front of me and I'm to tired to get them. I feel like I deserve better. I deserve to be happy and have friends and a girlfriend and actually feel happy when I smile instead of faking them. All I want is to be wanted. To feel as if I matter. I want to show the world what I can do or at least get the chance to but I can't if I can barely read a text book without feeling so dizzy and out of it that I need to lay down. Everyday is such a struggle. I can't even say I'm tired because my parents think I'm being lazy and people think all I have to do is study. They have no idea.
I'm just venting. Over the last 6 years I've learned a few things though. I have anxiety and depression and until I take care of those issues this horrible symptom won't go away. It's always here though so I'm easily discouraged. I feel as if I'm trying to build a sand castle with dry sand. It just keeps falling apart. If anybody has any advice it would be a very big help. I'm seriously sick of this shit. I think I've paid my dues and then some.
So all this started in high school. I've never been mr popular, but had even less friends because I ended up going to a different school than my friends from middle school. No real social skills at my disposal so I never get to many friends. I was and still am extremely lonely. I get no real support from my parents either. Rather than help in some way they just pay for a dr to listen to me bitch every week. I spend most days alone just doing what I have to do that day. Lately I haven't felt like doing anything though. Maybe I'm just tired.
The most frustrating part of this condition is that it's so limiting. I have high hopes for my life. I'm an engineering major about to transfer to a 4 year but I can hardly handle taking 1 class. I'm always fucking tired. It makes me so angry at times. To see my dreams laid out in front of me and I'm to tired to get them. I feel like I deserve better. I deserve to be happy and have friends and a girlfriend and actually feel happy when I smile instead of faking them. All I want is to be wanted. To feel as if I matter. I want to show the world what I can do or at least get the chance to but I can't if I can barely read a text book without feeling so dizzy and out of it that I need to lay down. Everyday is such a struggle. I can't even say I'm tired because my parents think I'm being lazy and people think all I have to do is study. They have no idea.
I'm just venting. Over the last 6 years I've learned a few things though. I have anxiety and depression and until I take care of those issues this horrible symptom won't go away. It's always here though so I'm easily discouraged. I feel as if I'm trying to build a sand castle with dry sand. It just keeps falling apart. If anybody has any advice it would be a very big help. I'm seriously sick of this shit. I think I've paid my dues and then some.
