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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I can't believe this is me, whatever me is supposed to be since I don't feel like anything right now, writing this now. Me, Axel 19, I was always the 'not too bad' one. Yet right now I'm positive I'm experiencing the worst feelings of unreality a human is capable of experiencing.
Everything is unreal. It started yesterday morning, and has got progresively worse since. Today I had to come back, by train, from uni to my home. The whole day today just felt impossibly unreal. Everything in my field of view is so unreal I can hardly look at it. My mind (what's left of it) has become so estranged from the external world it's as if I've never seen it before. I feel nothing, like I'm just a thought and nothing else, just an endless meaningless monlogue. Somehow I manage to carry on and function as normal.
Coming home was hell, my home felt beyond unreal, as though it had slipped out on the other side of unreality. Even the feelings of unreality are unreal in themselves.
I can't tell whether I'm depressed or scared.
The only thing keeping me going now is that I know my current experience is f*cked up, it's wrong, so thee must be a right. I still have memories of a time when things were normal. It's my birthday tomorrow, I've got the weekend off, I can chill out and do what I want. I know I should enjoy this, so at least there is a vague impression of a reality somewhere out there.
God help me, cos' I had no idea it could get this bad.
 

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Axel, it is okay, I know it does not feel okay but you will be okay. You need to sit down and take some long slow deep breaths and try and ground yourself. Do something that you enjoy that makes you feel happy. Feeling unreal is a very frightening experience, but you are okay. It is just a feeling. Amazing that our feelings feel frozen yet we can feel the sense of unrealness very well. I never understood that. Your mind is experiencing alot of anxiety by the sounds of it. It will get better just hang in there.

It is good that you reached out to others to try and help you. No man is an island as they say and that is very true especially when we are scared. We need support and understanding, this site has really nice people who understand and care. You are not alone even though you feel like you are. I know hearing what I have to say will not make it go away but it will help you to know that this is a frightening illness but you will be able to cope with it in time. Keep your mind busy try not to keep thinking of the feeling of being unreal. You will be okay.

gem.
 
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Coming home was hell, my home felt beyond unreal, as though it had slipped out on the other side of unreality. Even the feelings of unreality are unreal in themselves.
That is just so brilliantly said.

It never ceases to amaze me how articulate we are while right in the center of hell. I was the same way, could sound SO on top of everything...so logical and creative in descriptions....and underneath I didn't know if I was alive or insane or dreaming....I was chugging along in abject terror, convinced that it couldn't possibly get any worse.

It can always get worse.

I know that is not my most supportive comment to date, lol...but I write it because a) it's true, and b) you must STOP looking INTO the symptom experience when you're this far down the rabbit hole. Do whatever you can, with every ounce of energy you have left, to FORCE your mind to focus on something else.

Read a complicated theory, or a science book. Read international politics. PUSH your intellect to dive into somethign that is not YOU at these awful times. It will still feel horrible and you won't feel like you're alive and you'll be terrified...but continuing to WATCH yourself fall farther down the rabbit hole only accelerates the fall, and there is no bottom, guys....trust me.

I was SO far down there at one point, I could barely think. I was having delusions that I had invented the universe, made up the psychiatrists, made up my own family....that I was alone in space and losing self faster and faster, spinning out of my own fantasy that I used to believe was reality. I saw "signs' in everything - everything had powerful "meaning" to me...as if there was some revelation or epiphany I was on the verge of knowing. I could not have been more insane if I was racing naked through the streets. Yet, part of me, a slender thread of sanity, kept me with one foot in this world. It was however, not enough to reduce the horror.

It's a mind trap.

Read a damn recipe book if you have to, but FORCE your mind off of youself.

Peace,
Janine
 

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It can always get worse.

noooooooooooooooooooooooo, dont say that, were in hell janine.......it cant get any worse than this.................you have been here the only thing that can be worse than this is death...isnt it??????

SORRY easily freaked out
 
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I'm not saying it WILL get worse, nor am I saying that "worse" means insanity or anything permanent.

But....skittishness aside, it is imperative that you guys realize you cannot keep "playing with" your minds and self-awareness, watching the self watch self watching self. We get LOST inside that kind of thought, and my point is that we CAN make ourselves feel even more isolated, more misunderstood, less a piece of this world...we can turn so far inward, and then more and more and more still, that NOTHING in external reality will hold meaning.

I'm not trying to worry anyone at all!!! But you cannot afford the self-obsessions. You'll still obsess, of course you will...we DO, that is part of this thing...I know that. But there are times when we COULD fight it a bit, even for a moment, for an hour, or a second....use those times. If you reach a level of hopelessness and just succumb to self-monitoring and thinking harder about thinking harder and wondering WHY thinking harder is hard.....you will keep falling.

The rabbit hole is a temptress.

And a liar.

Peace,
J
 

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already think i am insane but saying that most woman are :D

wasnt having a go, iam in the middle of reading your book and i must say it is extremley helpful, i know we all have to focus outwards and try to get through each day on the surface and not thinking to deep, just at times it slips, i know anxiety cant turn us into permanant vegetables or make us lose our mind completely but this symptoms are hard to live with day in day out. Sorry if i came accross wrong.....see now the paranios hitting :?
 
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Nooooo...you didn't come across wrong at all! You voiced what hundreds of other readers would have thought, too! You so silly.

I'm glad you wrote that because it gave me the chance to respond and make my point.

ALWAYS post your exact response to ideas....aside from being good for YOU, you never know how much it helps others, esp. silent board members.

Cool?
Love ya,
J
 

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Janine, you are so right, I know that feeling. I was lost for a very long time. I spent months in hospital and I could not even hold a pen in my hand. I felt unreal and felt like I had evaporated from the face of the earth. I did not speak for a very long time. I looked in the mirror and knew I was really lost. The eyes that once sparkled were now empty and my whole being made no sense anymore. I have been under nursing care for four years and I have come a long way with a long way yet to go but I did just what you said I focused on many things to try and bring life back into a woman who thought there was no hope.

gem.
 
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Hi axel

Is 19 your age?

I have been where you seem to be now, and i know how horrifying it can be. And i hope this won't offend anyone, particular the women and girls reading here, but what has often worked for me in bringing be back to a feeling of being embodied and therefore more real was the powerful physical sensations I felt while masturbating and looking at pornography. These sensations of genital pleasure are so intimately connected with our instinctual self it seems they pull us back down from our "higher intelectual self" back down into an identity with our animal nature. An identity much more primal and more rooted in the "material world" rather than in the more ethereal realms of our intellect and imagination.

Orgasm and ejaculation definitely grounds us, at least in the moment, back into our physical bodies and it is difficult not to feel real and in existence during this experience. I think this moment of "realness" soemtimes has the potential to reconnect us with "realness" in many other aspects of our being as well.

Self pleasure in this way has helped me immenesely. If nothing else it certainly acts as a distraction.

I wish you well
john
 

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hi axel
in my experience full on episodes of dp, like you seem to be in, dont last too long. the dp will start to ease gradually. i know it feels like theres no escape but you just have to walk through it. each minute you're there is 1 closer to in starting to lift. at my worst i just walked, i dont know if it helped but it kept me physically occupied. have you seen a doctor? i think it would be a good idea to get an appointment as he might be able to give some short term meds to help you through this intense period.
 
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quote 'i was the same way, could sound SO on top of everything...so logical and creative in descriptions....and underneath I didn't know if I was alive or insane or dreaming....I was chugging along in abject terror, convinced that it couldn't possibly get any worse.'

This is so accurate of how it feels....I know what u mean by feeling that the only thing keeping you going is knowing that you know where you are and what is happening to you....I hope that you've had a good birthday and that you've had some time to chill....

I think this is one of the worst things to suffer with and I'm at uni too...I know how challenging it is just living with aswell like everyone else on here and I guess that we have to keep strong .... take care xx
 

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You know what I find interesting... why does it seem like whenever I hear about DP/DR or something related to it, it always seems to take place in London.... what is with the UK and this outbreak of DP/DR?
 

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Crumbles said:
You know what I find interesting... why does it seem like whenever I hear about DP/DR or something related to it, it always seems to take place in London.... what is with the UK and this outbreak of DP/DR?
i don't know what you mean by this. England, Canada, Australia, NZ, the U.S., and much of Europe are represented on this forum, and probably some other countries that i didn't mention. I think it's pretty even across the board, and i'd imagine that many nations where english isn't necessarily taught, also have this affliction slithering through their masses, but they can't or don't come to this forum because of the language barrier. Hell, even the sites owners are Canadian.

however, there certainly does seem to be a lot more research being done on this phenomenon in England, than anywhere else.

s.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thanks for the responses guys.
I dunno it?s as though my obsessing has gone to new extremes. I can?t enter a room, turn my head, buy gum or even judge the distance of an approaching vehicle without obsessing over it, whether it?s bizarre or not.
Well actually what I think I?m doing is what Janine says is impossible, I?m tryng to master a fantasy of annihilation. It?s not enough to imagine that there is nothing anymore, I?m trying to imagine something worse than complete nothingness. My thinking is so fucked up it?s unbelievable.
I?ve sucked so deep into myself, that I?m completely lost and confuse
 
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Axel, my friend....the reason I thought to mention the "attempt to imagine self-annihilation" is because I know it first hand. I did all the same crap to myself that you're doing. It's not even original, and it's certainly far from the brave genius exercise we think it is. It's just a symptom, no more glamorous or profound than a blister.

You have got to use every ounce of strength you have to turn around and STOP those imaginings. I am telling you, I was the queen of it.

I was determined to imagine how it felt to be dead, then how it felt to be nearly dead, then how it felt the INSTANT deadness occurred.

I tried to imagine Awareness without Self, consciousness without identity, a perspective on reality without being IN my own body or brain...I tried to imagine Janine SEEING the world if the world did not CONTAIN Janine.

I did this crap for years.

My 20's were spent in it.

I lost a decade that my otherwise brilliant and cute (well, hey, I was young, grin) self could have lived.....because I thought I was different from other people...and I NEEDED to explore the cave of my own mind. And i nearly went insane.

There is NO win.

NO WAY TO WIN.

It will nearly destroy you, and then you will wake up and face the horror of what you've been doing to yourself, but the climb back is not quick. It will take you a long damn time to get back to even where you are right now.

Do everything in your power to turn this around. FIGHT against your obsession to ignore me and dive even deeper.

I know how it feels. I know you think you can't stop. But you can.

Peace,
Janine
IN the world, and loving it
 

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Hold on Axel. I never want to contemplate the times it has been totally unbearable for me. And I can't compare those experiences to yours, but I guarantee you I felt like I had, as gem said very well, disappeared from the face of the Earth. A wisp or, as I used to say, I was merely a thought, the only thought in existence.

But Axel, I'm better. Someone said the bad episodes fade. This has been true in my experience. The intense, hideous, horrific stuff DOES fade.

Just know we all understand.

Keep us posted.
Take Care,
Dreamer
 
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