Hey, all. I'm Tim, I've been haunting this forum for about a month and 1/2 or so. I've been dealing with this DP business for about 4-ish years now. I started feeling a noticibale problem about my Junior year of high school. I just didn't feel like me. In the summer of 2009, I was officially diagnosed with Depersonalization disorder.
I didn't want to accept it at all. So, I attempted to bury it far enough beneath the surface so that it wouldn't become a problem ever again. Well, that worked about as well as a knife at a gunfight.
Lately, things have turned for the worse. My head is empty, I don't think; I have to physically think out every thought in order to even be able to think at all.
The world looks flat to me. Everything looks like a 2-D image; trees look fake (as if they're made of plastic), and whenever I look at grass on the ground, it looks like a snapshot. Cars look like gigantic toy models, and normally when you spend time with people, you can feel their energies and "auras" (if you will), but not for me. I'm blank. Even with the people I'm closest to, which has caused me to become so adverse to people that I can't even remember what it's supposed to feel like to be a person. It's like being trapped in the world's worst 8-bit video game.
I feel like a ghost, like I'm trapped in a cage of blurred bars, and that life is passing me by. I live in a constant state of stress/despair. To make matters worse, I work a retail job that constantly demands me to be around people, talking and interacting with them, and it is unbelievably hard.
I'm stuck on auto-pilot day after day, and I feel worthless. I need some degree of closure. Thoughts of suicide become more and more prevalent in the rare occasions that I CAN manage internal thought, however, I can't follow through on them, because my pain tolerance is so low that even when I merely stub my toe, it feels like somebody stabbed me through the foot with a railroad spike. In short, I am stuck.
All that I am able to feel is pain, despair, disappointment, stress, and constant fear. I want some degree of closure, but two things stand in my way: the first being that I am a creature of habit. I've become so accustomed (not in ANY way to say complacent) to living in this shitstorm that shit is all that I know.
Second, sure, of course I want to get "better," but the thought of things being "normal" scares the freakin' shit out of me. What I mean is, this is all I remember about life. This is all I know, and I can't see past something that I don't know anything about. I guess that's just fear of the unknown, or whatever, I guess.
:'( dont worry things will get better you just cant get use to it , do things that make you happy try dont stop trying because the more you give in the more it gets worse , right now i can say i feel a bit better but at times i feel like everything isent real but when i feel that wAy i try my best to distract myself, when i read what you wrote made me wanna cry again because thats how i felt when i started getting DP and i will cry myself to sleep but then i said to myself i cant give in to this so i went to see a therapist and they told me i have to do things that make me happy things that can distract me from ever feeling like that
The normal world will come I'm sure of that I look for my old life everyday think its become OCD for me constantly straining my eyes to feel real and I know what you mean by it scares you to feel real me two Iv had it for 6 years everyday struggle and OCD harming people which I got used to trellis myself that's my OCD well have the thoughts , but I guess what I'm saying is that the realness will come accpect it and keep active although it hard retrain your mind to work again your mind need rest as mind does but I have better days lately due to one thing that I read on book abandon yourself let go you will find that soul we all will
The normal world will come I'm sure of that I look for my old life everyday think its become OCD for me constantly straining my eyes to feel real and I know what you mean by it scares you to feel real me two Iv had it for 6 years everyday struggle and OCD harming people which I got used to trellis myself that's my OCD well have the thoughts , but I guess what I'm saying is that the realness will come accpect it and keep active although it hard retrain your mind to work again your mind need rest as mind does but I have better days lately due to one thing that I read on book abandon yourself let go you will find that soul we all will
The normal world will come I'm sure of that I look for my old life everyday think its become OCD for me constantly straining my eyes to feel real and I know what you mean by it scares you to feel real me two Iv had it for 6 years everyday struggle and OCD harming people which I got used to trellis myself that's my OCD well have the thoughts , but I guess what I'm saying is that the realness will come accpect it and keep active although it hard retrain your mind to work again your mind need rest as mind does but I have better days lately due to one thing that I read on book abandon yourself let go you will find that soul we all will
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