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My name is Mia and I am twenty-two years old. Six months ago, I moved from North Carolina to Alabama with the intention of finishing college. I dropped out two years ago after an acute episode of DP and agoraphobia. I thought I had recovered enough to move away from my family and complete my education, but I am beginning to think I was mistaken.

I did not go to class today. At this point, there's no way I can pass. The only thing I can do to redeem myself is quietly withdraw from the university. Every day I do nothing. I've lost 12 lb. in the last week because I can't even get out of bed to get myself something to eat. There is no one here that can help me because I have no friends, and my roommates are not in the least bit concerned with me. My family is hundreds of miles away in another state. I don't know what to do or how to continue. Last night I had the single worst panic attack of my life after I attempted to go to someone's house. I thought if I spent time with someone and had a conversation for once, I would feel less isolated and it would remind me that I'm a real person. I locked myself in his bathroom for two hours. I was so dizzy and out of it. The world was so blurry and there was this loud ringing in my ear and I just kept panicking that this isn't reality and I need to wake up out of this nightmare. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of being so lonely and singular. I'm tired of never doing anything. Days just pass around me. Time doesn't seem to exist. When I think of the past two years, it's astounding. I have no memories of anything. It's like no time passed at all. I'm beginning to feel like I might die here, but perhaps that would not be the worst thing. Sometimes it is so difficult to envision any sort of future. The best I can do, I think, is continue to barely exist the way I am now, until I eventually die of natural causes. I'm never going to actually live my life. I'll just patiently wait for death.

This is the most depressing, ridiculous blog post I've ever written. I feel like I'm fifteen years old again. I'm sorry.



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jvh18
Feb 13 2013 10:27 PM

Reading this struck a chord with me for some reason. I think this all started for me when I moved away to college so maybe that's why.

I had episodes like you did, and looking back I can say what made it so much worse was that I was supposed to be having the time of my life, etc. but I literally couldn't. But I believe the reason your feeling so shitty and why you are so aware that the days are going by is because you truly want to start living your life. It seems like your issue stems from the anxiety, so you need to attack that and go from there. Put yourself out there, experience life, you have nothing to lose, especially if your surrounded by people who don't know you.
 
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