It's been three months since I've made a post on this forum, not the longest duration, but considering that I have only been mentally ill for seven months, it is perhaps a long time.
Plenty has changed, to say the least. In late December to early January I underwent a perceptual shift that was more or less positive. I think it may have been the stabilization of the zoloft that gave me the push; I started to feel more indifferent and less aware of my disorder. I began to return to a more normal life. The last three months leading up to this radical change were spent in my living room. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to leave the house, and I didn't want to look up from my computer screen. I spent the majority of the day sitting on the couch doing mind numbing activities on my laptop, consuming the forums, and enduring the nonstop thoughts and ruminations about my disorder.
In January to late February things were looking up. I spent a lot more time in my room. I felt more independent. The activities I did felt purposeful; I felt more that I was genuinely enjoying what I was doing rather than using it as a way to pass the time. February was my best month since this illness. I had a nice birthday, I genuinely looked forward to hanging with my friends, I had a ton of motivation for school, and my disorder shifted to the background. Nonetheless, my DPDR was present the entire time. But because I was so unaware of my illness, and I would spend less than a minute a day thinking about it, the symptoms lessened. It's a testament to the fact that at least for me, DPDR is very placebo-like. Thinking about it makes it a lot worse. I felt hazy, fatigued, disoriented, floaty, and impaired. But these symptoms were elementary compared to what I felt during the first four months when I was constantly thinking about it.
What I learned during this positive period is that I was wrong in thinking I had accepted the disorder. I thought I had already accepted my illness back in september/October, so I was losing my mind over the fact that It kept getting worse. What I completely negated during the time though, was how much I thought about it. I would write fucking novels on here about my illness, I thought about it constantly, I didn't FEEL anxiety sure, but the thoughts were reminiscent of anxious thinking. Low and behold, as I stopped ruminating about it, my disorder stopped getting worse.
That is until now. These past three weeks I feel like I am slowly getting worse and worse DPDR. The worse I've ever felt. Ive started thinking about it more too, hence why Im back on here. If I had to guess why; I think it is because I have added a lot to my life. I skateboard and go to the gym everyday, Im doing school, etc. etc. I think I am getting burnt out from all the mental and physical strain of these activities. It isn't the first time a more productive lifestyle has made illness worse.
I am not exactly sure why I wrote this post. Things have gotten worse again, I guess I just wanna commiserate on here again. I also want to see if anyone can relate to this; At this point, I can see myself living with this illness with the rest of my life, and that's OK for now. I don't mind feeling how I felt in January to February. I don't mind feeling spaced out, out of body, things feeling distant, etc. But what I hate is this confused feeling that is hard to explain. I'm careful to relate this to the existential fears and ruminations that one might have with this disorder, because it isn't a thought, its a feeling. I guess it's like I can't ground myself in the fact that I am suffering through a mental disorder, that I am mentally ill. And it's not just that life feels unreal, but my very perception of it is fundementally absurd/ paradoxical. I know intellectually that I am mentally ill, but I want to feel with every fiber of my body the fact of, "I don't recognize myself in the mirror because I am depersonalized" but I can't feel that, I can't associate with being mentally ill. And I wonder if the only difference here is severity. Has anyone felt this way? and has the feeling gone away?
Hope everyone is doing okay.