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#594232 Not human.

Posted by Visual on 19 December 2018 - 08:35 AM in Discussion

You are NOT to far gone.  The fact that you care is proof enough.  Seeing the therapist is wise.  They don't "cure" you but help you find ways to fix yourself, like a mountain guide through a dense jungle.  It would be unwise to not have a therapist.  Sometimes one can be a jerk ... so find another one.  But one may just provoke a thought that surprises you.


It is easy to feel that life is pointless and meaningless.  Being atheist removes consideration of there being a higher guide and purpose (but this isn't the place for any kind of religious talk).  But do not make the mistake of thinking love is pointless and meaningless!


Why consider love as of value?  Love is nearly the only creative emotion.  Creative in the ability to make purpose.  Research neurologist describe the brain as a 'meaning making machine', reflecting mainly on its function to perceive and structure a meaning.


Love helps pull one out of themselves.  Now you need kindness and to receive love yourself.  But working from where you are, friendship and compassion needs to be expressed and received ... and if you can't feel much right now, don't let that hinder you from proceeding.  Worried about becoming a psychopath? ... then do things opposite of being psychopathic.


The Greeks have several words for love and one is agape.  Its root meaning is doing good things for others regardless of a motive or feeling.  Doing something to build up another.  It is principled love, that is love based on the principle of care and humanity.  I mention this specifically because, while good for all people to exercise, it is good for those who suffer loss-of-emotional-feeling because it doesn't actually require feeling.  It is the 'logic' of love.  One can be kind to someone they have no feelings for.   There are other kinds of love such as philia (friend) and eros (lust), but principle love will create happiness and purpose.


Obviously you want help.  Why else would you post on this forum?  I am not a therapist, nor are there active therapists here.  This forum is a collection of people suffering problems of a similar nature.  Some just want to vent.  Others look for solutions.  Some share things that have helped them.


You have learned the hard way of excessive philosophical arguments.  People can argue blue is orange and up is down.  What you need to do is structure a foundation and build from there.  Don't be afraid of making mistakes on the way (if you are) because you can and will make changes as you grow.  Believing there is no purpose is what an enemy will do with torture to a captive prisoner - breaking them down.  Philosophers, often intent on proving how clever they are, break down others the same way ... no love from these folks as they greedily seek attention for themselves.


Temper learning with patients and humility.  "Truth" will be different than where each of us are.  It is something you move closer to.  There are basic truths of human need and compassion and purpose.  So build with positive emotions ... these positive goals.


You list a history and progression.  Again, while there aren't trained therapist here, some may be able to offer suggestions that help.   Everyone here has problems and fears.  And while this forum is imperfect, having ups and downs and occasional trolls like any forum, there are people who care.  I've known a couple of the admins here and they are kind.  Many members here care ... even if they are at a loss for words or energy to reply to all the threads.


Wish you success in your journey.  One can't go back to their childhood but in the end they can construct something even better.

#593974 36 year DP sufferer,,,maybe some help I hope

Posted by Visual on 13 December 2018 - 03:08 PM in Introduce Yourself

Hi all,

I have debated whether to come here or not. My only reason not to is that "sometimes" these forums can keep you reminded of what we have, not the forums fault, just the way it is.

My story in as short as I can:

I got dp before my 21st bday. I am now 56. I was smoking weed with my brother and this overwhelming feeling that I was dying came over me. I went to go lay down and my mind was just racing and thinking about all the possible life ending scenarios that could be happening to me at that moment. I ended up coming out of it maybe an hr after and thought is was a once over, but it wasn't. About a week later, I was driving a flower delivery van and that same feeling overtook me in the van but worse, I pulled over, was freaking out, drove back to the florist and went home, never to be the same life completely changed from that day. I felt that I was detached from myself, not the same guy anymore and the world was different to me. Like I was watching from another body.


So, what has happened since? I went to ever possible psych in the area and dp was really unknown back then so not much help except they put me on every med including anti psychotics which did nothing or made my dp worse. Pretty scary stuff for a 20 yr old kid to be going through. I went to 4 years of college but felt like I was in a constant dream state. To this day, I don't know how I moved away from home and did college. I started a business that was very successful and sold it 15 years later but still had dp every day. I got married, built a house and had kids, they are now 23 yrs old and do not know about my dp. Neither did my ex nor my fiance now.This all sounds like a very normal life and it is but the pain was still there every single day, I think we just learn to live with it as best we can. I also started gambling as a way to not think about dp but you know where that ended GA and divorced.


Fast forward and here is the good news for the teenagers/ young kids who may have just gotten dp:

As much as you feel like you are going crazy, you will die, you will kill someone you love because you're nuts, etc etc, all these bad thoughts are just that..harmless, insignificant thoughts. We never go crazy, we don't die from dp, nor do we do anything nutty. Think of the worst thing that think you "may do" and you won't...I can guarantee it. Bottom line is sanity wins over hands down because we are not insane. In fact, we live fairly normal lives and are probably the best actors in the world as most loved ones close to us would never know we have dp unless we told them so. My main reason for posting is to let the teenagers/ young kids who are frightened beyond belief right now know that you will not die or go insane from dp. Also, you have a much better shot today beating/ living with dp than I did 36 years ago because there is so much more known about dp today...maybe no "actual pill cure", but more medical info you can tap into, especially if you nip it in the bud.


My saving grace was in 1999 there was some belief that klono and a ssri was helping dp patients so I took both and have been on since. Did it help? Kind of but again, no cure. I am actually almost done with my ssri withdrawal and have gone from 2 mg klono/ day to 1.5 is very hard to come off klono so take it very very slow. I just don't want to be on meds anymore. I think the klono works on the brain in that it helps stop/ ease the constant obsessive inward thoughts, it takes the edge off. But today, maybe the meds are different that can help dp. I think dp is our brains putting us in "safe mode". It wants to protect us from the pain of the real world but in return, it puts us in an unreal/ detached state as well so not a help at all. I wish I could tell my brain to get me out of safe mode.


One last suggestion, read "Hope and health for your nerves" by Dr Claire Weekes. It really helps with not giving any strength to those awful thoughts we have. I found it to help a lot when I read it 20 years ago. Again, no cure but helpful.

DP is scary. no doubt. I have said I wish I had cancer so at least I know what I'm fighting. DP is a silent illness which lives behind a curtain. Only thing with cancer is it can kill you and dp won't so pick your poison.


Hope this helped, even if it was just a bit, especially the young ones who are freaked out. Just know that you're not going crazy and you will not die from dp. We are probably the most sane people out there.

Peace to all


You describe essentially living a normal life in spite of DP.  Even marriage and kids ... and they don't know about your DP?  The latter seems unusual.  Perhaps protecting kids makes sense but why not tell your partners?  This isn't an attack but rather an attempt to understand.


DP is often described on this forum as being disconnected from ones own feeling, or as you mention, 'detached'.  But it seems that feelings exist.  No doubt you love your kids, etc.  It is just that you feel like a robot watching someone else.


I am trying to grasp or differentiate disconnected from one's self verses disconnected from others.  The latter is my nemesis.  That and peculiar visual processing issues.  You feel connected to your family?


It is great that you have and are living life and did not give up.  Your 1st sentence has commonly been expressed - not wanting a forum to remind you of what one suffers.  There is a certain irony of dissociating from this problem of dissociation.  But life is full of irony and one needs to find ways to succeed in living while, hopefully, making progress toward a recovery.


You mention weed as a cause or trigger of your condition.  This is also commonly reported here.  I have my postulates about that but often worry others when expressing such, so I don't much anymore.  As you've seen, there is objection about reporting living many years with it.  Anxiety is prevalent here.  But you have shown a high level of success and that is simply wonderful.  We are similar 'vintage' so, as they say: keep on truckin.