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#628968 Does anyone feel like DP is impossible to explain?

Posted by JoMe on 16 February 2021 - 06:21 AM in Discussion

JoMe, that's an amazing description of this disorder, at least I think so because that is literally EXACTLY how I feel.

although what Im about to say may indirectly contradict what I just said lol.

In response to the OP, yes. I don't think its impossible per se, but it is excruciatingly difficult to put into words. It seems clear to me that DPDR is probably THE most subjectively experienced mental illness and the one in which words are the LEAST effective t in describing it. I also wouldn't be surprised if it's the most misdiagnosed disorder too. Putting symptoms into words is such a subjective process especially when it comes to this disorder (there's the aforementioned contradiction). I think my experience is a testament to that, here's simply why: My disorder in the third month compared to the third week was RADICALLY worse, (it stopped getting worse in January thank god) but what's fascinating is, If I never experienced the change, I could describe the disorder with the same language now that I used back then. I read my old posts describing my symptoms in great detail, and based on that alone, it's like nothing has changed since then, my description still applies, but I know for a fact it has changed unbelievably since.

I think that that's because after a while these feelings are amplified because we are obsessing about them. And if in the begining it was something new and scary, now we know about it and observing it 24/7 and developing new ways of seeing/perceiving it. At least that's my case.
And what I've identified is that basically the auto pilot I'm on, even regarding my thinking, existed before. That was the actual NORMAL state. Because I just got on with life, not thinking about myself, just doing what I was supposed to, thinking about normal day to day problems etc.
But now, that normal autopilot is somehow seen by my brain as being abnormal so it makes me to keep focused on "I'm on autopilot, that's not ok, you MUST be aware of yourself, and JUST yourself every second, you must be super conscious about YOUR awareness of yourself".
And since that is not a normal thing by any means, it's actually a paradox that keeps this going in a circle. And as I said in my post, I'm trying to let it go, and some days are better, but then I wake up and check it, and yes it's still there and there you go, another day, or days, when I end up reading what others say about their experience for hours and hours, just worsening the situation and obsessing to the point where I cannot read about it anymore and just feel exhausted and sick of it.
Yesterday I did a big mistake (as usual) by reading about some cases in my country. And almost everyone was saying that you MUST go to a psychiatrist and take treatment, and I got really freaked out because it lowered my optimism close to 0... Like a lot of people, I have those moments of "ok, no more reading about it" and then... Here I am

#628952 Does anyone feel like DP is impossible to explain?

Posted by JoMe on 15 February 2021 - 06:27 AM in Discussion

Yes. For me it is. It's not thoughts. It's a sensation (!) of not being able to actually be conscious about what is happening, although my critical thinking is intact. That's why I am aware of how I'm feeling.
As I wrote in my post, even now as I'm writing, it's like my perception of what is happening is not here, like...I'm doing things but I'm just observing myself doing it, but there is no actual me...
I know it's me, but it's like a blanket of nothingness, like there is a blank somewhere between my brain and perceiving that this is what is happening, like something switched off but can't pin it where exactly. I don't even know how to explain it. Then again, that is the exact subject of your post... But I guess for me it's like feeling that I'm going to end up just doing things automatically, and me as an essence, as you put it, is going to completely dissappear at some point.

#628888 Is this going towards recovery???

Posted by JoMe on 12 February 2021 - 03:00 AM in Discussion

Thanks so much for your reply.
Yes, I'm under a lot of stress and before that episode with trying to quit smoking, I had a period of about 3 weeks when whenever I went to bed, I felt a fear my stomac that made me super agitated and couldn't sleep.
That's because of the fact that I miss my family so much and I got tired of it. I start crying immediately as I see or hear a video from my country and it's like the pain is almost fizical ...
But the worst is that I've been rejected for two years because I'm not French, and I feel that we'll never be able to build a future since I'm not able to get a job. And as much as I try to deal with it, I can't, because it doesn't depend on me and I feel powerless.
I'm trying to accept it too since wherever I looked, this was the main rule everyone talks about.
Yesterday it was a bit better regarding the scared feeling. But like you, it's not really accepting it, but I'm still trying to, because the feeling is weird as f, and like a lot of us, I'm afraid I'll lose control if I do it.
On the other hand, I keep telling myself that "hey, it's still me no matter how weird it feels. If nothing happened till now, then it's ok, it will pass"... So it's like a continuous glitch.

But I am exhausted, so sometimes I feel that I can't even think about accepting it because my mind is too tired and don't feel connected to my thoughts or can't concentrate on them.
But thanks again for your reply. Not having anyone respond only brought more anxiety, because I thought that nobody relates to what's happening... I wish you all the best and I'm sure you'll pull through too. It's just hard work, but we need to do it.

#628864 Is this going towards recovery???

Posted by JoMe on 11 February 2021 - 04:12 AM in Discussion


#628840 Is this going towards recovery???

Posted by JoMe on 10 February 2021 - 10:17 AM in Discussion

I don't know if this is recovering or not... But to present the whole situation.
Three weeks ago I tried to stop smoking (normal cigarettes). Now, although my situation involved continuous and humongous stress for the last 2 years (!), due to not being able to find a job, being in a new country, living completely isolated because we're in a very rural area, feeling discriminated, missing our country so much etc, I still decided to try it... During the day it was annoying, but I pulled through.
But that night was pure terror. I wasn't able to sleep, anxiety was through the roof, whenever I closed my eyes images just rushed randomly with no logic, so more anxiety. I thought something really bad was happening to me like a heart attack, so more anxiety... I felt the need to continously move, agitated etc.
I eventually fell asleep around 3am.
The next day... I started feeling weird.

And it didn't stop until evening, so when my husband came home, after an hour I just couldn't stand that feeling and the anxiety and the stress, so I just had a nervous breakdown crying uncontrollably, feeling pure despair that we moved here for nothing and so on, plus the fear caused by the feeling that wasn't going away, plus anxiety. I was actually shaking, and could barely speak that's how hard I was crying.

And since then I've been into this state. If in the first week it was the "I'm in a dream" feeling, now it evolved to "I cannot connect to my thoughts and innerself/there is a window between me and the world/myself".

I think, act, feel emotions just the same, but it's like there is an actual blockage over my brain that keeps me from REALLY connecting to all of these things, but I can't explain what connect means since it's a feeling...and that is why I still have the rest of the symptoms like feeling weird when I hear my own voice etc.

It's like the rational part works just fine, but even as I'm writing I have the feeling that this isn't actually happening, it's like I'm zoned out/unaware, but I'm fkn not since I'm realizing all of this and how weird and unpleasant it feels!

That's why I call it a "blanket" because I just feel that fck it, I feel normal in the back, but in the same time there's this weird perception that keeps me away from getting rid of this condition.
It's like "a blank/nothingness/gap" over my innerself. I don't know how to express this feeling/perception.

And the bigest problem is that I have short moments when I reconnect 90%, but then in a second I pull that blanket back involuntarily checking if that feeling has disappeared.
Yesterday evening I had one of the classic anxiety attacks because of that "I feel real, but so unreal/blankness feeling, I am actually going crazy", and I almost started crying because I actually feel that it's a battle with myself that I cannot win.

It's not about thinking, but the perception/feeling is so overwhelming that I just cannot pretend it's not there or "accept it". I managed to do it a couple of times, but I couldn't keep it for long.

I can think something like "oh, that guy is so annoying" and it actually irritates me, or I can watch a show and laugh, I am extremely rational, but I FEEL that disconnection always in the back of my brain.
And it's like I'm bringing it upon myself everytime I feel a bit better :(.
Only if something requires my full attention and doesn't give any inch for checking the weird feelings, only then I feel 100% fine. But...that rarely happens since it's become an obsession and because I'm all alone all day with nothing to do and having nowhere to go.

So am I heading towards recovery in any way?