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#148074 Imagine a new self

Posted by terri* on 16 January 2009 - 12:08 PM in Recovery Stories

I decided to post under Captain_K's post because years ago, when I first came here, he was one of my
first friends. Revelation had started this up in hopes of helping his girlfriend and giving people with
DP/DR a place to go. He did a great job of it. It was the time of Janine and Dreamer, Martinelv, JC,
Sebastian, SoulBrotha and lots of others who I
laughed with, cried with and yes, some who we all had knock down drag outs with. lol. We were a bunch
of mixed up people who had found a place that offered us something. And that something was others
that knew what we were feeling, seeing and going thru. Like most people with this disorder who find this
website, I was overwhelmed by the sense of community with people suffering like I was and I became
a regular visitor. I think at one point Martinelv and I were almost tied for most post. THAT meant one
thing...I was here wayyyyy too much. But it was solice from the day to day living with DR. It took me away
from the anxiety, fear, separation from friends and families which DR had given me and robbed from me.

To make this short, I spent a few years in talk therapy, did Biofeedback (which I was always a big advocate
of), tried to take every pill everyone else had ever tried. I had severe physical reactions to all of them, headaches,
nausea, making it all so much worse. They compounded prozac for me and gave it to me 1/4 tsp at a time but I still
could not build up to a clinical dose. The last med I tried was Lexapro. Again, I could never get up to a clinical
dose with that one. The only med I have ever been able to take is Klonopin. I still take the original doseage I
was taking so long ago when I was here, .05 in the a.m. and 1 mg in the p.m.. There used to be huge
arguements about the useage of Klonopine when I was here. I assume that all that is written is still
under the guise of this is what worked for me. I am sorry for those that have had a problem with this
med and I in no way suggest this as a cure. Again, I tell this strictly from my perspective.

So, I stayed a couple of years around here and went thru all the ups and downs of DR. I still have DR but
have learned to live with it. That is where the change took place for me. For years I let DR live in me and
take over completely. I would read how people would say to just ignore it. I thought they had lost their
minds giving such stupid advice because how could you possibly ignore something that is so all consuming?
But you know what? That is indeed what happened. I just kept plugging away at life, I am in my mid 50's
now and have had it for over 15 years, and now I just hardly ever notice it. Yes, there are still times
when "it" comes flying in to haunt me...if I get extremely anxious, if I have been in bed with back problems
for long periods of time. But 95% of the time I go thru my life being very unaware of how everything still
"looks funny". I have grown accustomed to looking in the mirror and not seeing the "girl" I used to be.
I still "look funny". And at this point of the ballgame, I guess I always will. It's just that now I am too tired
of DR to fight it. When I got tired of fighting it and just went on with my day of looking funny and
talking to people when they looked funny and feeling so much anxiety and depression but just kept on
keeping on...it just became a part of me like the color of my hair and the way I speak.

I wish all of you here who are still struggling, who have just been diagnosed or found your way here, a
road to recovery or the abilitity to live with it.