Firstly, I'm glad there's something like this on the web. Where everyone with this problem can come here and talk about it because i haven't talked with anyone else about this. I already feel better knowing there are other people with this and that we can help each other.
I'm a 20 year old male who use to be a daily marijuana smoker and dabbled in other drugs as well: acid, cocaine, ecstasy,mushrooms. I only took those drugs a handful of times. I want to say my dp problems started when i was 19 after i stopped smoking weed habitually and after a very scary and bad acid trip. Although at the time i didn't know what depersonalization was, i could tell there was something wrong with me. But let me start with telling you about the trip because i believe it was the genesis of my dp. It's kinda lengthy and you don't have to read it but i feel its important part.
- The bad trip was on dec.13 2011 a day i try to forget but will probably stick with me forever. It was the third time i took acid but the first and last time i actually tripped from it. My buds and I heard there was good acid in town and decided we were gonna try it. It started out fine with visual hallucinations like the ceiling looking as though it was rippling like water and geometric shapes everywhere. I also stared to feel very good like i was on ecstasy but then things took a turn for the worst. I started to feel a strange discomfort in my left arm that to this day i can't put my finger on. All i can say is that it felt very uncomfortable and i started to shake my arm from a up position down trying to shake off the feeling. I believe one negative feeling led to another and before i knew it i was in a downward spiral of negative thoughts. I then began to feel extremely paranoid about my friends. Some of whom i was best friends with and others who were just friends. I thought they had bad intentions and were my enemies. It gets a little strange here(i felt like they were taking turns raping me). I was in my own world of personal thoughts and thought it was reality. Going in and out of trip and reality i stood up and told everyone i needed some fresh air. At that point it felt like a dream like state, a nightmare and i felt like i knew everything my frineds were going to say to me. Before they said anything in my mind i told myself " their going to tell me to sit down and stay with them". And thats exactly what they told me. That made me feel even more like i was dreaming and that i could manipulate their minds. But then reality struck again and i thought to myself " what the hell is going on?" And that's when i stared to think i was dead. I was thinking am i in Heaven or Hell? Because i would get rushes of good feelings but then i would return to a panic state. It was very confusing. I ran outside thinking fresh air would help but it didn't. i was on the street when one of my good friends came out to try and settle me down. At this point i thought i was in hell because i felt like i was drowning in the most terrifying fear. I never felt so fearful of anything in my life. My buddy was saying things like " your just on a drug thats all it is and that he loved me" i thought he was something like a demonic spirit just playing games with me. Then i punched him and started running home. I only lived 10 minutes away and i had made it halfway there when my buds pulled up behind me in a car trying to convince me to get in. I was hesitant but then i went in. To make a long story short i continued the bad trip in the car and had thoughts of jumping out while it was moving so i could die and wake up from the dream. After hours of driving around the town they dropped me off home where i took a long look in the mirror and questioned my reality.
- To this day that incident still haunts me and frightens me when i think back on it. I was still smoking weed daily at that time and continued that for about 5 months until i took monthly breaks. Ever since the trip i never felt the same way about smoking. My heart rate would sky rocket and i would feel paranoid about everything. That's when the dp set in. Deep thoughts about my existence.
- Am I dead?
- Is there a God?
- Everybody is so fake.
- What is my purpose?
- I feel like im not the same person i use to be.
- i feel like a different person when i smoke(mentally and physically)
- And alot more of the typical dp symptoms that i can't think of at the moment
- What's really scary to me is that i feel physically different when i smoke. I can feel my body more. I feel distinct pain in my back and genitals when i'm high opposed to not feeling them at all when i'm sober. For the past 6-7 months iv'e taken the biggest breaks in smoking since i started when i was a freshman in high school. 1 month break here, 2 month break there, maybe a 3 week break and so on and so forth. I'm finally quitting because i can no longer take the smoking induced dp. After my bad trip dp would spill into my life even when i was sober but now thankfully it isn't as bad. I thought i was crazy for having these thoughts up until yesterday when i found out about dp. I put this story up hoping that there are others with the same experiences. I feel great letting this out and am going to read the other stories and this forum. Thanks for reading my story
- live1light likes this