lauras - Viewing Profile: Likes - Depersonalization Community

Jump to content

Please Read the Community Forum Guidelines Before Posting.


Member Since 13 May 2012
Offline Last Active Nov 10 2020 05:47 PM

#476921 Trauma: the Shutdown Dissociation Scale (Shut-D)

Posted by lauras on 13 July 2017 - 10:50 PM

I've only just started going to therapy/seeing a trauma specialist. It's pretty crazy how much he understands me without me having to say anything - there seem to be a lot of similarities between people that have experienced trauma from totally different causes. I've tried a million things at this point and this is the only thing that seems to be working. I walked in telling him that I was just this super high-strung person that overreacted to everything/needed some strategies to lower my anxiety so I could stop dissociating so often and walked out realizing I was stuck in survival mode all the time due to my traumatic childhood. 


And morph, it sounds like you are wayy ahead of where I am in understanding all of this, heh. 


"it's just improvements until I'm content with the outcome, I'd like to emulate the people who have good control over dissociaiton"


Ditto! I pretty much told this therapist that I don't expect to walk out fully recovered, I just want to do a little better and decrease my tendency to involuntarily disassociate when things get overwhelming. Hope you are able to reach a place where you feel at peace with your progress.

#353663 My Mom passed away three days ago

Posted by lauras on 14 June 2015 - 06:27 PM

I found out about it yesterday (no warning whatsoever - they think it was a heart attack) and my disassociation has gone through the roof, I go outside and feel like I'm walking into a nightmare - panic attacks/crying/numbness galore. If I somehow survive all of this then I will have one hell of a story to tell I guess. I feel absolutely insane right now. Mainly posting this to document one of my lowest lows, right now I see no hope of this ever getting better, but surely it has to eventually. I'm 24 and never, ever thought I'd deal with this until I was in my 40s or something.


I wish you all the best and love you all. I really mean that; life is rough and you have to reach out to other people to make it through. 

#327143 Let it out :D

Posted by lauras on 30 March 2014 - 01:48 PM

Last night I tried something a little different. I put on a song that, to me, had this 'I don't care about any of the BS in life anymore' attitude to it. I danced, and felt pretty good, and then I decided to let my mind wander to all the things that pissed me off or made me feel sad or guilty.


I reallly let it out physically, and even grabbed some pillows from my bed, tossed them in the bathtub, shut the door so my cat would be out of the way, and screamed into the pillows/hit them as I thought about all the things that upset me. 


After about two hours, I was completely exhausted, took a shower, and went to bed. I woke up today feeling amazing. More importantly, my vision seems clearer, I feel more grounded, and I'm less afraid to express myself. 


I'm going to do it again tonight! :)

#321704 I have a very, very, deep question.

Posted by lauras on 12 February 2014 - 05:11 PM

You choose what you focus on. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but if you start making a decision to focus on something else, right now, and keep doing that, you will get better. Read books, meditate, go somewhere where you're forced to socialize frequently about ordinary things. Keep ignoring intrusive thoughts. 


Stop asking the existential questions by choosing to not engage these thoughts. Let them be. You pick something that you're avoiding, you do it, and you do it no matter what thoughts or emotions come your way. 


If you have an mp3 player or something, download some self-help audio about focus/making decisions/etc. Tony Robbins would be a perfect choice. Listen to it all the time. You need to internalize that thought process until it's habitual. Scary thought? Great, what am I going to have for breakfast this morning? Everything feels meaningless? Wonderful, let's make a list of 10 things I'm grateful for and then go take a walk outside. 


The littlest things mean everything. That is, you don't have to take huge actions to get big results. Little actions make a big difference. Just making a few, small choices (that are the right choices) can change everything.


"I'm just really god damn confused and stressed and honestly pissed off that I've become this way in my human life."


You're adding suffering on top of your suffering. You're not seeing things as they are, accepting them, and moving on. You're creating pain by focusing on what you think these thoughts or emotions say about who you are. They say nothing. They're thoughts. They're emotions. Those can change, everything can change for you, you have the power to make it change. 


"I snap myself back in to present "time". It helps. But the thoughts seem to come from nowhere. And the fact that I have thoughts are fucking weird. Life is fucking weird. Reality is REALLY fucking weird. I just don't understand it, why can't our weak human brains figure out what the fuck all of this means?"


Of course it helps. You're not engaging with thoughts that make you feel bad, you're choosing to be happy every time you focus on the present moment. They don't come from nowhere, they come from you, and they are 'coming' because they are a habit. It's not weird you have these thoughts, it's totally normal. Look at all the other people on this forum with these types of thoughts. Feeling weird =/= life is weird. Fearless is right, that's emotional reasoning. And as for the last part, it means you are taking these thoughts seriously. Go back to what you first said - you said the present moment helps. That's where you need to focus. What do you need to do to stay in the present moment? That's a question worth asking.


"Life has me by the fucking balls."


You still don't believe you're in control. Life isn't doing this to you, you're doing it to yourself.


I've heard thinking described as just this Q & A dialogue in our heads. Ask the right questions and you get answers that move you forward. Ask unanswerable questions (when in a poor emotional state) and you get stuck in a loop. Ask bad questions, "why am I so useless", and you get bad answers. You don't have to start some big positive thinking project, just keep trying to improve the questions that you ask yourself.

#320098 Sounds cliche, but turn that frown upside-down!!! HAPPINESS TOPIC

Posted by lauras on 29 January 2014 - 06:52 PM

Wipe your feet of negativity :P



  • D.I likes this

#281481 In tears

Posted by lauras on 06 March 2013 - 02:00 PM

I know how that is. I have days where I break down crying too, but you have to keep going. Some days are going to be awful and others will be great, accept all of them equally. Accept that you will have to find ways to absorb your mind into new activities until it happens naturally. Accept that there will be some days filled with suffering, and others with joy.


Acknowledge any and all emotions and keep going. If you feel horrible, take a nap, eat, or talk to someone. Tell yourself that you're going to be ok because it's the truth. Emotions/thoughts change - they are transient. Stop caring if the DP is there or not, thinking about it will not make it go away, so just accept that it will be there all the time and stop checking to see if it is or not. 


Think of the DP as a little kid. If a little kid has a tantrum, are you going to give into every little thing they want? No, that would make them spoiled and they might even start manipulating you on purpose to get what they want.


Don't pay attention to the DP when it's throwing a tantrum/becoming more or less intense than usual. Everything is normal in recovery - mood swings, vision changes, whatever, it's all normal, and it will improve in time. Keep that knowledge in mind and remind yourself of it every time you feel like responding instead of accepting it and then going back to your life.


I have a list in front of me of stuff that I have to do today, and I honestly dread it more than DP because it means I have to face my fears, but it also means that I get a reward that is greater than the negative feelings facing my fears generates.


Find something that means more to you than DP and focus on that. Some people call it "distracting yourself" - I call it living again. It's when you take the mental practice of acceptance and put it into action. I know I am disassociating right now, and I know I will eventually recover, so I ignore it and go back to living. 


Getting into this mindset did not happen over night, it's a day-by-day thing that you have to train yourself to do, and the more you practice it, the easier it is. 


You need to learn how to tolerate experiencing thoughts and feelings you'd prefer not to experience until they naturally pass (thoughts and feelings are by their nature temporary).


Things that can help with this include:

- learning to soften rather than tense in response to triggering thoughts and feelings or when you catch yourself doing a self-defeating behavior.

- learning physiological self-soothing skills (teaching yourself how to activate your parasympathetic nervous system by doing things like slow breathing, which in turn slows down your heart rate and makes it easier to think more clearly).

- learning to recognize that thoughts are often distorted so you can't actually trust any negative thoughts you have.

- building up your capacity to self-regulate e.g., if you're prone to overeating then setting a schedule for eating that meets your energy needs. Then, only eating at these times - not eating outside these times or skipping scheduled eating times.

- using "defusion" skills to reduce the psychological grip of intrusive thoughts. For many people defusion skills are highly effective but at first glance they seem quite odd. For example, singing your intrusive thought to the tune of a familiar song.

Source: http://www.psycholog...ctor-in-anxiety


You can do it. 

#278920 considering how horrible this is its amzing no one gives a fuck

Posted by lauras on 29 January 2013 - 09:47 PM

Do you talk about it a lot? I know that when I was younger and had depression (but had no idea what depression was), I was going around and telling my family how boring everything was and how apathetic I felt (I wanted an answer as to why I felt that way and what I should do about it). My dad sat me down one day and said that he didn't care and that he was sick of hearing about it. At that point, I stopped talking and just endured it until it went away.


I concluded that:

1) He didn't understand 

2) Because he didn't understand, he couldn't help me

3) He came irritated because of #1 and #2


My brother laughed at me because he didn't understand, and my mother said it might be depression but didn't offer any solutions whatsoever other than to just wait around for it to stop. I should note that my mom/dad both came from very dysfunctional families and, as such, our family was dysfunctional as well. If there was a problem, we usually never talked about it, and even if we did, action was rarely taken to fix it.


So I knew when it was time to tell my family about DP/DR, I'd mention it a little, explain it if they wanted me to, be assertive by telling them that I can/can't do something because of what I'm going through, and then just leave it alone/accept that I needed to find help elsewhere. That's how I ended up on this forum.


Basically, look at their actions to see if they care (and if they don't take action, it might be because they are used to passively letting problems sit on the sidelines with the mentality that it will magically go away if they just ignore it -  they probably picked up this dysfunctional behavior from their own family), and find out what sort of emotions might be fueling what they are saying. 


If they really don't care, then know that it's definitely not your fault and that it means you need to seek support elsewhere through friends/a therapist/etc. Still, if this is the first time you've questioned if your family cares or not, I'd say it's likely that they do care, or else you would have noticed this long before now. 


Have you actually asked them outright if they care or not? If so, what did they say?

#276145 Philosophical Obsessions - am I suffering DP or DR?

Posted by lauras on 30 December 2012 - 03:35 PM

Now - heres the thing, I do feel "comforted" when I read what others are experiencing but I feel like reassurance I'm looking for is getting harder and harder. Some of the stuff I'm thinking of becoming a complete mind bender. I then become more anxious until I search again. I have found myself reading up on stupid stuff for hours. It's becoming so routine like - fucking nuisance.

Yeah, seeking reassurance makes you feel good for awhile, but you're so creative that your mind will just come up with another scenario or edge to an old idea, so you're stuck in a loop.

Fearless posted a site here awhile back that really helped me: [search for "intrusive negative thoughts" on that page for specific help]

This part stuck with me when I was (and still am) out implementing everything on that site, I've seen some huge improvements over the past few weeks:

The answer to complete acceptance lies within the bravery and wisdom to leave the question unanswered. I have a strong belief that most people misinterpret the notion of what true acceptance is. Acceptance is not the acceptance of the anxiety condition. That is a small part of the solution. We need to accept the reality that our reactions and conversations with the anxiety condition is now firmly in our past... it is, in truth the acceptance that there is nothing whatsoever wrong with us in any way, shape or form.

To do this we do this we start to behave in a way that would be in-step with our choice lifestyle if we had no anxiety, we would act normally, we would in relation to our own negative anxiety beliefs pretend we are well. Our subsequent action becomes inaction with regards to fight/flight 'advice' and we get on with our lives, our rest/digest response is initiated and our unneeded 'protection' memory associations deleted.

This action removes the physical anxiety and the 'negative' protective thoughts and we emerge once more into the sunlight.

So with regard to acceptance, we are not accepting anxiety, we are accepting recovery.

Here's the original post from Fearless, I definitely think he's on to something:

#271882 L-theanine supplement DOES IT HELP?

Posted by lauras on 19 November 2012 - 08:39 PM

I used to take it pretty frequently at night when I would have racing existential thoughts and couldn't sleep. Honestly, I've found that supplements only seem to help if you're really anxious/depressed (which I was a few months ago), otherwise, a good multivitamin/fish oil is all you need along with all the ordinary stuff you would do to stay healthy. L-theanine stopped working for me when I improved my anxiety levels and, as you mentioned, it seemed to just make me brain dead at that point, so I stopped taking it.

#263996 Creating a Series of Videos on Overcoming DP

Posted by lauras on 31 August 2012 - 12:38 AM

Wow. You described how I feel perfectly, even down to the suicidal part (I didn't try to act on it, but came really close). I've been taking supplements for months, exercising, getting enough sleep... and still barely leaving the house, feeling tormented by my thoughts, and looking around at the world and obsessing about how I feel in response to how strange it all seems. I left this forum for awhile, but couldn't make myself go out and socialize, so that didn't go well. The last video hit me hard, I know you're on to something and, honestly, if I end up overcoming this due to following it, I am donating money to you regardless of if you want it or not, lol, seriously, I'm so ready to get out of this hellhole.

Looking forward to more of your videos, thank you for sharing this with us.