lauras

It's also possible you're just hypervigilant - we can read into situations when we feel more anxious/out of control. You might be acting shy/awkward, but there are loads of people like that in the world and it's not necessarily a bad thing, there are people that own their awkwardness and it makes other people embrace their eccentricities too. 

"i feel like ending myself"

Please get help if you're having suicidal thoughts, you aren't alone and this can get better. 

Bumping this to see if anyone has tried it since it's been a couple of months now, I hope you guys are feeling better even if you chose to go another route.

My therapist recommended this recently and I'm close to setting up an appointment to find out more. He said I can still try antidepressants instead if I want (I've never been on medication before), but thought this would be a good option for me since it's really been helping one of his other patients process their trauma. 

I've only just started going to therapy/seeing a trauma specialist. It's pretty crazy how much he understands me without me having to say anything - there seem to be a lot of similarities between people that have experienced trauma from totally different causes. I've tried a million things at this point and this is the only thing that seems to be working. I walked in telling him that I was just this super high-strung person that overreacted to everything/needed some strategies to lower my anxiety so I could stop dissociating so often and walked out realizing I was stuck in survival mode all the time due to my traumatic childhood. 

And morph, it sounds like you are wayy ahead of where I am in understanding all of this, heh. 

"it's just improvements until I'm content with the outcome, I'd like to emulate the people who have good control over dissociaiton"

Ditto! I pretty much told this therapist that I don't expect to walk out fully recovered, I just want to do a little better and decrease my tendency to involuntarily disassociate when things get overwhelming. Hope you are able to reach a place where you feel at peace with your progress.