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WalkingzombieMember Since 07 Jul 2011
Offline Last Active Jul 12 2020 09:05 PM
- Group DPSH Members
- Active Posts 194
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- Member Title Regular Contributor
- Age 27 years old
- Birthday August 22, 1992
Posted by Walkingzombie on 30 April 2015 - 07:06 PM
This could include things like:
Grocery Store Bagger
Grocery Store Stocker
Grocery Store Cashier
Fast Food Worker
Convince Store Clerk
Car Dealership Lot Man
Pizza Delivery Man
Dollar Store Cashier
Ice Cream/Water Ice Cashier (Great and Seasonal)
These are just a few things, but I hope they help. I really feeling helpless over my fragile mind, but the fact that you want to take initiative is awesome. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't feel ashamed if it's not some fancy shmanzy white collar job. The job doesn't matter. Your drive to better yourself does so try not to make any comparisons, especially if people you know have a better paying job. They also don't have DP.
Volunteering is also a great option as not only are you helping, but you're doing it on basically your own time.
Posted by Walkingzombie on 08 April 2015 - 09:15 PM
I'm going to try and post some help for all here still struggling with DP on a more frequent basis. Only a few years ago I was struggling with DP like many of you are now. I'm blessed to say that I no longer suffer from Depersonalization and am living a very full life. It wasn't so ago that I had crippling social anxiety, dissociation,month long spells of psychosis, and year long depressions. And when you're in that phase, it's hard to envision and ending. My suggestion? Don't envision an ending. It's there somewhere, but you are not there. So don't project yourself into a state when everything will be "good". Instead, focus on what is going on now and find some way to improve it.
One of my favorite writers, David Foster Wallace, has a great quote that I hope you'll enjoy.
“... That no single, individual moment is in and of itself unendurable. What was undealable-with was the thought of all the instants all lined up and stretching ahead, glittering. And the projected future fear. ... It's too much to think about.”
I think a big element of recovery from DP is embracing the uncomfortable moments that briefly pass by. This is you recovering. This is an emotion and a chance to wake up. Your body and mind is so numb that it's almost screaming to wake up, even if that message is sent through pain or anxiety. We create walls inside our minds that separate us. Brick by brick that wall must fall down for you to come to your senses again. Look at this change as a chance for growth, instead of putting that mental brick back up from where it fell. The goal is to bulldoze that fucking wall and dance around in its shattered pieces.
One thing I think that is important to stress is that MOST of your friends/family will not understand this disorder. That's OK. Don't try explaining it to them so much. Their inability to comprehend what we are going through is often what makes us feel more isolated. Trying to describe depression, or DP, to someone who has never experienced it is like trying to explain the color blue to a blind person. Understand that these people want the best for you and that their inability to understand is not them dismissing you, but them simply unable to comprehend your current situation. What can I suggest? Don't talk about it with them. I remember having the same conversations about my symptoms so many times that I not only exhausted myself, but them as well. This is only reinforced my symptoms because it perpetuated the idea that they still were present. Try a change of topic in conversation. Even if the only thing you think about is your symptoms, you can still listen to them and what they are thinking/feeling. DP is a disorder of self obsession so get outside of yourself and into another person's world. Maybe they'll say something that you find interesting, beneficial, clever. Maybe you'll wont, but at least you're not talking about your dissociation and that is a good thing, my friends.
Another thing I can suggest is finding a hobby, but don't put expectations of this hobby curing you. Do it for the sake of enjoyment. This is not distraction, as distraction serves as a temporary separation from what you are doing at the current moment. This is building a life. This is acquiring a skill set, learning a new thing, or simply doing something to enjoy because you like it, regardless of what others think. I put down my guitar for months because it was easy to lay on my bed and listen to musicians that were better than me. It was also easier to believe that I had lost the talent I once had or trick myself into believing I was no good at all. Starting a new hobby serves a lot of purposes such as providing conversation topics and challenging yourself, but more importantly it brings you back to the present. DP separates us from all notions of the present. Do something to do something. Please, just do other something than thinking.
Feeling more pain? Good. That means you're becoming human again and recovering. Embrace the fear, anxiety, and any other negative emotion that comes with it. These will pave the way for more positive emotions down the road. If you're using drugs and alcohol, I'd suggest giving that up too. I'm all about caffeine and nicotine myself, but I am completely drug and alcohol free and I can't stress how important this was to my recovery. These drugs mask our emotions and don't allow ourselves to feel.
You can do this. I've been there. Countless others have been there and many who recover don't come back to the forum. And I'd say a lot of that is for good reason. It's hard to find a hope in a place with so many people struggling. Try to moderate your time. And if you have any personal questions, feel free to drop me a message. I'll try my best to respond.
Posted by Walkingzombie on 26 March 2015 - 10:56 PM
Take a look at the word "Depersonalization". It contains both the prefix "De" meaning lack and the word "personalization" which is the act of being human. Removing that very ability to empathize is what forces us to focus solely on ourselves thus further separating us from all of humanity. And we all know that's an extremely lonely place to be. We're unable to see behind the solipsism of our mind and therefore remain shut off from the rest of existence. This cycle will repeat itself relentlessly and as the thoughts deepen we become completely isolated from the outside world in our minds. Logical robots incapable of understanding that our very emotional well being is predicated on receiving the pain and love of others. What we lack is the ability to share, and thus feel vulnerable. In a word, human.
So what do I suggest? Despite your shitty mood, make an effort to do good for another person. It can so small. The size of your action doesn't matter. It's the thought of the action that counts. If done with love, which is a word foreign to most of us when depersonalized, we allow ourselves the ability to feel. The ability to feel is also predicated on the fact that we may lose something. The thing about DP is that we're so afraid to lose something we don't even possess that we end up doing nothing at all. And when we do this, we lose more than had, even if for a moment we tried to positively change the life of another being. The secret to life is that only in giving can we recieve.
I know this sounds a little pious, and for that I can understand, but believe me when I tell you things can get better. You just have to take action. And the best way to get outside your own mind is to get into a mind of another.
It's probably gonna feel forced at first and that's totally cool. Keep giving. And maybe you'll start to realize that your life has meaning. That you as an individual has the ability to make someone's life better for having known you. And so when you give a little bit of yourself to that person, they become a part of you as well.
It's gets better guys. I'm celebrating 6 months clean from drugs and alcohol in 7 minutes. I would not have gotten here without the help of countless people. Many I may never have the chance to thank personally, but I can thank them by giving back to others what they have given to me. You're not bad people. You're just afraid. Use that fear as a way of loving other people, not hurting them. Your family misses you. I can tell you that if you do this there will come a day when you love yourself back.
Posted by Walkingzombie on 14 March 2014 - 03:16 PM
Yo Guys, I wanted to lay down some things I've learned since recovery. Some points that might help you in gaining some perspective, clarity, or at least something you can relate with. I struggled with DP for probably about a year and a half in total, but found my way out with family, friends, and a drive to better myself. The answer lies within you and often times it's not something you search for, but appears out of the actions that you take. So much of DP is spent searching for "that answer" that will somehow arrive to us after hours of intense reflection only to find ourselves no better than we were before we spent the hours in existential debate. I'm no stranger to obsessions and rumination, but much of this is just anxiety based fear. OCD simply stated is "fear of thoughts". We fear the very action that makes us human because of what we MIGHT discover. Discover it. I've learned that any self-discovery, be it good or bad, is essential in growing as a person. The bad allows us for an opportunity for change while the good can be looked at as a checkpoint of sorts, a moment for us to savor and then continue on learning from. Take these brief moments of honesty and learn from them. Self discovery isn't always about finding out what is good within ourselves. If anything, it can be more about turning the negative into a positive. At the end of the day, only you have control of your own journey. Everything else just influences it and how you choose to interpret it is up to you. I'll leave you with some points I found to be helpful to me.
- You're never as fucked up as you think. Racing thoughts? Take a moment to chill. Read a book, grab something to eat, work out, play a video game or an instrument. Feeling anxious? Know that it will pass. It always does. Sure, it's uncomfortable. Sure it sucks and it's scary, but the more you allow it to occupy your mind the more it will occupy you. Most of what you experience is just a symptom of the root cause of your DP, whatever that may be specific to your situation. I know mine came from a lack of a concrete identity and social insecurities that were repressed my whole life. Whatever it is, you're probably not as bad off as you think. No, I'm not downplaying your situation, but much of what is crafted in the DP mind is nothing more than an over-active imagination creating the worst possible situation imaginable. How often does that situation happen though? How often do people REALLY know we are DP'd? Sure, they might think we can be a bit odd, but they have no understanding of your condition unless you openly tell them about it. We fear what we don't know or perceive to be true. Perception is reality. If you think you're never going to get better then you won't. Plain and simple. Stop inviting everyone to your pity party that you don't even want to be a part of it. Why would anyone else?
-Action, not thought, will guide you home. The hours spent in your room in existential angst, crying, feeling sorry for yourself, or the multitude of other things we do when in a Depersonalized state will only further keep you in that state. It is only when we break from routine and challenge ourselves that we embark on a path of discovery. Always wanted to learn how to skateboard? Do it. Thought about picking chess back up again? Do it. Put your instrument down because you haven't been motivated to play in a while? Play it. There is no greater satisfaction than rediscovering what we once loved and falling in love with it all over again. At first it will be difficult, scary, anxiety producing. Use that as your motivation to continue. It's been proven that the more we do something, the better we become at it. The better we become at, the more we enjoy it. The more we enjoy it, the bigger the part it becomes in us. For me, that was rediscovering guitar. As someone who gets depressed, I can find myself putting the instrument down for months at a time. It is only when I pick it back up, sing, and write/learn new songs that I wonder why I ever stopped in the first place. There should never be a reason to stop doing something that you love. Don't create one. Time spent in unnecessary thought can be used for so many other purposes. It is through new action and experience that we learn or else we are forced to replay old memories in our head until we completely change the original memory to suit our liking. Walk down to the pond, skip rocks, swing on the swingset, enjoying the sight of the young and old living together in harmony and know that YOU are part of that. Action without conviction is not action at all. When out with friends, be out with friends. When swinging on a swing, swing like the child you once were. When playing an instrument, create new chords just for the sake of curiosity. You can truly can do nothing wrong, but learn from the experience. DP is not about creating a new you as we so often believe it to be. "If only I do this, I will become that". There is no magical pill or instant solution, but what you put into your recovery effort will help to shape the person you want to be. You don't have to create a new you. You are fine just the way you are.
-Don't compare yourself to other people, especially those on the forum. Now this one may seem to be a bit strange coming from the fact that this whole forum is based upon community and the joint process of recovery, but knowing that someone else has the same symptoms as you does not make your own disappear. It can be initially comforting knowing that you are not alone in experiencing DP, but what are you going to do to change it? This other person could live on a completely different continent and share nothing in common with you but the fact that they have similarities in the Depersonalization experience. Don't take satisfaction in knowing that you are better, worse, or even with someone on the forum. This will not do anything to aid your recovery. It's a mere checkpoint based on subjective experience. You truly don't know who is better and who is worse than you based on a mere matter of a few sentences on a message board. Their experience is different than yours and therefore irrelevant to your recovery. Recovery is a choice you must make yourself. You can take all the advice you want, read all the posts, and still completely ignore them. You can even read this post in it's entirety, feel a sense of motivation, and lose it completely. Anything worth having takes time. In a world filled with fast food, Netflix, and instant gratification we so often want something and we want it now. Recovery is not a "now" based activity. It is a process with ups and downs. Learn to roll with the punches.
-Face your fears. Afraid of talking to cute girls? Talk to them and fail miserably. Understand that your temporary rejection does not define you. Chances are they'll forget you 5 minutes after you leave and from that experience you have learned. There is no such thing as failure, but learning lessons. The things we fear the most are often the things we should do. I was crippled with Social Anxiety for over two years, afraid to open my mouth for fearing of saying something stupid and being judged for it. Most people aren't listening anyway, but rather waiting for their turn to speak. It is only when you place yourself in a state of vulnerability that you can grow from the experience. My mom always used to say "I'm not going to let you sit up in your room with the covers over your face. Go out and do something". Truer words have never been spoken. Sitting in and hoping you fears will just disappear without action is like expecting to lose weight without working out and eating right: It's not going to happen. It is only when you realize fear is a product of the mind that you are free to do whatever you want. If you're gonna make a mistake, make it big.
-Meet new people. We don't learn things when we speak. There is nothing to be learned from speaking of what we already know. We learn when we listen. In the words of Jimi Hendrix, "Knowledge speaks. Wisdom listens." Open yourself up, set yourself up for rejection, and know that not everyone wants to nor will be your friend, but those that like you for the weirdo you are, are the ones to keep around. For me, this was discovering an acquaintance of mine from High School again. We were not particularly close in High School beyond occasional small talk and the exchange of pleasantries in the hallway. I can say with absolute certainty, that he has influenced me more than anyone I have ever met. He has challenged me to be a better musician, a more caring person, and a better friend. We are now a part of a 3 man band with original music written by myself and look forward to playing more gigs as the warm weather approaches. Had I rejected him for selfish fear, I would have never made the best friend I have today. Everyone needs friends. No one is a failure who has friends to call his own. Meet new people. You'll be surprised with what you discover. Groups are the building block of society. It may sound cliche, but no man is an island. We are social creatures and thrive off social interaction. Even though I'm much more outgoing than I once was, I'm no natural extrovert. I'm an introvert with a good sense of humor which can sometimes give the illusion of extroversion, but I find that most people with DP are of the introvert personality type. Don't beat yourself up if you're not the center of attention. Let the other person make a fool of themselves. There is a place in this world for the quiet, sensitive type.
-You are capable of change, but only if you want it. This is the last point I'll leave you with, but anyone is capable of curing themselves. You just have to "want it". What does that mean exactly? It sounds like a catch phrase for a Nike commercial, but there is truth in the statement. It's easy to give up. It's easy to turn to drugs and alcohol, but there is something to be admired in the person who faces life and the difficulties it presents with a smile on their face and determination in their heart. At the expense of sounding preachy, you are capable of much more than you are handling right now. Take that extra class. Run that extra mile. Talk to the stranger at the bus stop. You can live a good life, not a life of constant happiness, but a a good life if you choose to make the decision to do so. You will fall down in the process. Have the courage to stand up, brush off your knees, and continue on your run. The finish line is worth the blood, sweat, and tears.
Posted by Walkingzombie on 11 September 2012 - 07:44 PM
Bumping this thread so that more people sees it. I'm surprised that so few people care when finally someone decides to create some original content
Fucking this. Thank you because you opened the floor to ranting, most likely caveman style. It's incredible that the ONLY thread with MASSIVE amounts of information CURING the disorder YOU have. I know if I saw this when I was fucked up I would lose it. Maybe life's lost its value, and that's understandable, but you have to cling to even the slightest chance of recovering. Without it, you're already dead. Always keep hope alive and I wanted to instill that in not just a few words, posts, or images. Video people. I'm not in some dumbass competition with Harris Weinerton because
1.) Mines $150 bones cheaper... Free.
2.) I know mine works.
Continue to Post the same ridiculous streaming threads posing the same questions with the same lack of response, or MAYBE take the 5 videos worth of free knowledge that a fellow member came back to the forum cause you couldn't Fucking imagine how much I love you and how I hope that everyone of you can gain your life back in the way I have. Do what you want, but I would have KILLED if this exact same advice was dropped right in my lap from above or some shit.
- so_tired likes this
Posted by Walkingzombie on 05 September 2012 - 03:18 PM
i really do enjoy your videos. Sometimes i feel manic depressive too, maybe i am, but i feel the same as you i'd rather that than be in depersonalization, i try to hang on to every moment. The little things in life matter the most it's true, and even if i don't feel connected i have to try to connect. The idea on hobbies is good or existing hobbies. Lately i've enjoyed working out, mostly cardio, and music, but i try to keep doing things i like to do. I know distraction is key, although even when i do distract and what not the dp is till there but i don't think about it more. When its in my conscience is bothers me, when its in the sub-conscience it doesn't bother me as much, and of course when i'm stressed and depressed it hits full force. If i can lessen the stress and depression i feel better.
My man, you can make it. Keep busy and the DP thoughts will fade into the background until they no longer affect you. And sooner or later the distraction won't even be distraction, but things you enjoy doing.
Posted by Walkingzombie on 31 August 2012 - 05:59 PM
Thank's man, your videos are appreciated, there giving me some hope and insight. I've been depersonalized for 2 weeks, i know i can get out of it if i really put my mind to it, ignore negative feedback you receive from others. I look forward to your future videos
Thanks friend! There's always that one asshole. It's really nothing for me to make these videos when I realize how beneficial they have been thus far, and can continue to be to the community and anyone else with depersonalization. So therefore, I'm definitely going to be making some more. It may seem like just talking, but how else would I get the information across? I try to have a positive attitude during every video and throw some dumb jokes to make myself, and hopefully the viewers, laugh and lighten up. Always glad to hear encouraging words for my hard work!
Posted by Walkingzombie on 31 August 2012 - 03:20 PM
Trying to be positive and do something for the community that I'm no longer a part of, nor do I have to. Like I said, others are clearly benefiting, if you're not, oh well. Shit happens.
Posted by Walkingzombie on 31 August 2012 - 01:59 PM
I added the ability to donate through Paypal as although I'm not doing this for monetary gain, it is definitely a good deal of work and seeing as I'm currently unemployed and have $5 to my name it would be great to receive a little compensation for my hard work. This. Shit. Works. Period.
SOOOOOO.... Without further ado, I bring to YOU
Posted by Walkingzombie on 31 August 2012 - 11:51 AM
Wow. You described how I feel perfectly, even down to the suicidal part (I didn't try to act on it, but came really close). I've been taking supplements for months, exercising, getting enough sleep... and still barely leaving the house, feeling tormented by my thoughts, and looking around at the world and obsessing about how I feel in response to how strange it all seems. I left this forum for awhile, but couldn't make myself go out and socialize, so that didn't go well. The last video hit me hard, I know you're on to something and, honestly, if I end up overcoming this due to following it, I am donating money to you regardless of if you want it or not, lol, seriously, I'm so ready to get out of this hellhole.
Looking forward to more of your videos, thank you for sharing this with us.
Glad to hear what I was saying struck a chord with you! And you know what, the donation idea is definitely a great one. Clearly I'm not doing this for monetary gain, but I do understand how incredibly important this can be to the community. I still don't think many on the forum watched them, which is really a shame because it's beyond accurate detail. I'm a master at not only understanding, but curing depersonalization. I'll definitely set up a donation box in the descriptions because I really would appreciate it. I have $5 to my name right now, and it's hard to really do anything with such little income. It would be a "pay-what-you-feel-necessary" kind of thing, but I'm really putting a lot of work into this series. I have to actually force myself back into an almost depersonalized state to be able to reconnect with what I felt 6 months ago. I'll definitely have another video up by the end of the weekend, I'll try my best to make it today though.
Posted by Walkingzombie on 30 August 2012 - 02:37 PM
Posted by Walkingzombie on 29 August 2012 - 04:02 PM
Great video man, I think you're dead on when it comes to recovery. I commented on your video under the name chiincha
Thanks my man! Got your comment. This ain't no Harris Harrington bullshit. I SHOULD sell it and make mad money, because it's actual beneficial stuff, but that's not the person I am. I just want people to live life happily and DP Free. Life is so much sweeter now that I've seen the worst it can offer. I always in my home studio whipping up tracks all day long. You'll certainly be hearing from me as a musician in the near future. You can mark my words. I'm working with a couple producers, along with my own production, just about every day. Keep on going, and remember that you CAN and WILL get better IF you want to. DP won't cure itself and it's hard work, but beyond worth it. Truly, at a loss for words as to how sweet life is now.
Posted by Walkingzombie on 20 August 2012 - 07:53 PM
- shattered memories likes this