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whatisthis

Member Since 27 Feb 2009
Offline Last Active Jul 06 2011 10:01 PM
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Topics I've Started

REWIND

08 September 2010 - 11:04 PM

I wish I could rewind my life and restart. Maybe just from age 10 or so. . . What's hard for me is saying, "Okay I don't like where I'm at right now, but let's change it." Most of the time I just think about what I should have done to avoid getting here in the first place. Most of the time I figure I've already scewed up and I don't know how to make it better so I just ignore everything.

Oh somebody called me a "machine" today at work. That was pleasant. They were talking about how I work hard, socialize very little, and just do my job. I've also been recognized as being someone who does well at work but is hardly noticed. Wow that makes me feel splendid.

Anyway that's my two cents for the day.

Dumb

05 September 2010 - 03:14 AM

I feel like I have become less intelligent and witty over the past few years. I was just cleaning out my email and read how I used to write and it was like I was reading someone else's work. I go back and read my writings from journals and it feels like I can't get that back. I don't how to describe it other than I feel I am losing something. I'm becoming dumb and dumber (as each day passes) and I guess numb and number :). (Funny thing I watched Dumb and Dumber last night). ANYWAY, I have been trying to figure it out. Is it because I've been on meds for 5+ years and they have slowy messed me up? Is it because I married someone who I've never had a deep, intelligent conversation with? I feel my mind is not as sharp as it once was. Even in the midst of DP I could still write very well, but now it's gone.

I'm done

04 August 2010 - 01:59 AM

I'm done feeling like this. I'm stuck and can't get out. Peace.

I gave up

25 July 2010 - 11:22 PM

I think I gave in too soon. What I mean is that I should have figured out who I am and what I wanted before getting married. I was so clueless when I got married. I went along with it because I felt it was the "normal" thing to do. I was only 19 at the time I met this young man. I'd never dated before, only kissed one other person, and didn't know anything about life. This is about the time I knew something wasn't right with me, or that something that didn't feel right. I kept pushing it down. I would always have these ideas on how to improve myself and started to briefly "see the light" when thinking about my new life choices. And then I met him. And I was complacent. I didn't follow through on those ideas. I gave up and gave in. I thought he knew more about life. He didn't. He knew about all the mundane things, but not about living a happy, fulfilling life. But who's to say that I can't make those personal life changes while being married? I just feel trapped now. I'm finally beginning to understand who I am, and that I can have a say in what I do in life. I want to live my life. Not his. He's got too much power over me. I should be thankful that he has put up with me for this long and takes care of me. When I married him, everyone warned me not to, but I honestly thought I would never find anyone else who I could be with. I thought there was something majorly wrong with me. I'm a little different yes, but smart, sensitive, and caring. Many of us don't give ourselves the credit we deserve. I'm stuck. How do I jump over this hurdle? I feel like I was so close at one point and I feel like I've gone down the opposite way. My goals were to become more social, be active in church, volunteer, and donate money. I have done the exact opposite. The only person I socialize with is my husband, don't go to church, don't volunteer and don't donate money because we are working so hard to pay for all the material crap we have. I thought he knew what is was to have a life, but all it is he knows how to live in the world, too dumb to know a difference. But I'm not any smarter, because here I am with him just going along.

Sorry for the rant. What I can say is that for those of you that are still young, follow your heart. Don't force things. I was always worried about what the next step was in life, what the "normal" thing to do next was that I didn't have fun. Have fun. Even it is just making one small difference in life, do it. I guess I should take my own advice.

I need a friend

23 July 2010 - 11:27 PM

I need a friend to talk to. I have never really had someone to talk to about things, or perhaps I haven't known how to talk to people about things. I'm feeling very lonely even though there are several people around me.