I think I will always have an altered view on reality, just merely based on the fact that I have dealt with DP for many years. My brain has its little comfort area, but I am constantly doing things to step out of that comfort box. And as hard as I am resisting the change, it is needed. When I was in the midst of depression and severe anxiety with this DP crap, I honestly felt there was no way out, no getting better, that life just was tasteless, bland, and boring. Now that I have a few more years under my belt, I'm feeling like I have a clearer view of things (at least in seeing the habits of my past). I'm still a bit nervous about the future. But I feel a heck of a lot better now and more confident than I ever have. I noticed one thing about myself is that when I was really young, I felt everything. I loved and felt music, smells, touch. When I was little it was so fun to experience all the senses. It seems as if as I have grown older I have lost touch with those senses. I am desperately trying to get those feelings back. Ha, it's sad that I'm excited that I recently cried while listening to music and while watching a movie. Emotions! Heck yeah! They might be making a comeback! I'm rambling now, but I guess I just wanted to say that life can get better. I don't want to just say wait it out, but I really don't know of any special cure. I guess it just took time for me to realize that life isn't as difficult as I made it out to be. I am far from "normal", but so much better than where I have been. I hope that we will all be able to eventually overcome this and live happy and productive lives! Night!
So here I am. . . .in what I think is my life. I'm married, graduating with a master's degree, working a 9-5 job, bought a home, and still not getting any satisfaction from it. I honestly am such a simple person, I could do without a lot of materials things that my husband and I have. Sometimes I feel I need to go back to my original plan- Live a simple life, volunteer, and donate money to charity. Right now I'm feeling super selfish. Only thing, my husband wouldn't allow me to make those changes. He is addicted to his STUFF. We are from completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I hope that somehow we were brought together to even one another out, but sometimes I feel like I am the one succombing to his demands. I need to find a voice in our relationship. I honestly feel like I just go along with whatever he says just to avoid his drama. Hey but small and simple steps right? I kind of feel like I just gave up on my life and just follow along with him. But with this new "waking up" and examining of my life has given me the motivation back to make MY life the way I want it. And I can't blame it on him either, it's me who has just been mind-numbingly following him. It may be a wake up call for him to and say hey she does want things different, maybe I should be open to change too. It's a bit nerve wracking though because I don't want to "rock the boat" and it's been so easy just to let things pass by me. But now that I am doing things on my own and working and learning hey life isn't that hard, I am wanting to have a life that I can be happy about. I can't live for everyone around me, I need to live for myself(whoever that is ). It's so weird, I had this "awakening" as I was dating him, and thought I can't go through with this relationship- it's not right. And then here I am 6 years later, married to him, and telling myself something still isn't right. Wish me luck in actually following up with this feeling. I'm hoping to regain my footing and a voice.
Back from the mental health facility and actually feeling much better. I had worked myself into such a frenzy I didn't see a way out. They adjusted my medication and although I am far from fully recovered, I feel I can at least handle it. I really had to just slow down. It helped put a new perspective on life. I am going to try to focus on this renewed perspective so I don't lose it. It's a simple one really- just slow down, enjoy the little things around you. I know I need to make some life changes to make this happen. I spend entirely too much time alone, on the computer. I need fellowship, being outside, and just get back to basics. Ha we even did yoga at the facility to try to calm us down. I'm an anxious person by nature, but hopefully this renewed perspective and calming techniques will work. I would love to move out of the city, to the mountains, live in a cottage and just live simply. Ha!
Posted by whatisthis
on 12 January 2010 - 01:11 AM
I must give credit to someone else for this post. I found this from a fellow sufferer of DP and it summed up exactly how I feel and thought it was appropriate. And how sad. . I am so tired myself that I cannot even make my own posts anymore . I see so many people posting on here and I want to talk to them, but I'm just tired. I feel like I can't write or express myself anymore how I used to. When I first started feeling different I could at least manage to take time to explain myself, but now having suffered for nearly 10+ years everything just feels like it's gone. Anyway, thought this was an interesting post.
"I am mostly mentally tired..... Tired of trying to quantify this disorder when it keeps changing. Am I getting better or worse? I can't tell because the symptoms keep changing. This thing has a mind of its own. Am I creating it with my brain, or is it something else? I just get so tired of not knowing. I'm tired of agonizing over it. Tired...There's the key word. I'm tired of pretending, tired of being terrified, tired of feeling like I'm outside of myself, then tired of feeling like I'm sucked into myself the next moment.
Tired of the brain fog, the cloudy consciousness, the dimming vision, the spots in front of my eyes, the fear, worry, anxiety, the lethargy, tired of feeling like my "life" is nothing but a pile of disconnected junk. Tired of lying in bed just to not notice the symptoms as much then getting out of bed and having the symptomatic flood gates open, tired of pretending, tired of faking life, tired of saying that I'm fine when someone asks how I am. That is the one that goes through me the most. I am NOT fine by any stretch. Yet, what am I to say?
Yes, tired....Tired of no one understanding, tired of doctors who are nothing more than pill pushers who think I have "panic attacks"...Bull...I showed a shrink the Feeling Unreal book one time. I told him that this is what's wrong with me. He opened the cover, handed it back and said nothing. THAT is exactly what I needed. An alleged health care professional who doesn't believe me. Any of us knows more about D/P than he ever will. I described my symptoms in great detail, but he says I have "anxiety"...Sure I do....It's a symptom NOT the cause...
Tired....Yes, tired of being tired. Tired of remembering back as to what real life is, and not being able to grasp it for more than a moment. Tired of my home and surroundings seeming alien to me, as if I haven't been here forever. Tired of passing people on the street who aren't terrified by their surroundings, or their internal makeup. Yes, jealous and tired. Jealous of them, because they don't feel like I do. Jealous of little kids who aren't scared to go to the store. I'm supposed to be the adult, yet I'm worse than an infant. Tired of having to agonize over the smallest event or task. Tired of feeling physically ill when I feel the most mentally ill.
Tired, tired tired.....Oh, and did I say TIRED? That's the end of this half-hearted rant. I'm going to bed now, because I'm.............tired...."
(Post from fellow DP sufferer)