forestx5

Pic w/my BC2M T-Shirt. As noted will wear w/logo in back, and depression and depersonalization disorder on front.

Wearing this in public in general ... nobody understands what it means, especially depersonalization. I do wear NAMI T-Shirts, BringChange2Mind, etc. and other mental health awareness stuff, totes, hats, etc. simply to bring mental health awareness. If someone asks me what it's about I tell them.

You Go, Dreamer!!!

Try being meaningful to someone else. Volunteer at a hospice or hospital. If you can't love yourself, maybe you can give someone else a reason to love you.

I was terrified of going insane too. I was certain that I was going crazy. But then I heard someone say "You're not crazy. Crazy people don't think they're going crazy". And it's true! Huge weight off my shoulders after I heard that.

Maybe I read it on here, but it is probably true. Insanity is just a legal condition. I know several people with schizophrenia.
They know they are mentally ill with schizophrenia. When they are symptomatic with delusions, they believe them. When they hallucinate, they perceive their hallucinations as reality. But, they rarely have these symptoms because they are very well controlled with medication.
They are not insane. They would only lose insight into their illness when they become psychotic. One friend had his anti-psychotic prescription refilled. The pharmacist made a mistake, and filled it with pills that were 1/10th the proper dose. The pills would only be slightly different in color, but not size. My friend said he noticed a change in his thinking a few days later. He got up in the morning, and knew it would be a busy day, because he had to saw up his furniture to fit in his truck for his cross country move. Then it dawned on him that he hadn't planned to move, and something was wrong. That's when he noticed the difference in his medication.
But, when he takes the proper dosage of medication, he is as normal and intelligent as most of us. And, while his illness is more serious than DP/DR, he seems to be less stressed over it on a daily basis. He is not depressed over his illness. He enjoys life with certain limitations.
I recall a survey which showed that individuals suffering from major depression, had a worse outlook on life than individuals who were diagnosed as terminally ill with cancer. If you can imagine an illness that can give you anxiety like sea sickness, and leave you sleepless for months, you might fear major depression more than insanity. When you are clinically depressed, you don't have the luxury of being unaware of your suffering. Depression kills or contributes to the death of at least 23,000 people each year in the US of A.

i can't imagine it, i can't imagine being normal again, it seems impossible, how can i forget about my perception and reality, how is there an escape, there is none

I felt the same way several times in my life. I was in such a deep hole, I thought I could never get out. Profoundly hopeless is how I felt. And, I was sick with fear and anxiety, and sleepless for months on end. Not sure how I escaped it. I suppose it was more of enduring it, than escaping it. But I feel very alive and well today, which is my reward for enduring.

Now that I have smuggled attention.... (title is a movie quote for anyone going "wtf"?!)

My name is Kaity. I am 21 years old and have been suffering from depersonalization since I was a little girl. Until early last month I hadn't had a dp episode since I was 15. They never lasted for more then 2 days at most. I am currently suffering the longest episode I have ever had, will be going on a month within the week. Although it is not as severe as the first few weeks, I'm starting to get a little fed up. I never knew they could last for this long. I'm not looking for anyone's sympathy really, just some people to talk to that can understand my "life is like a movie" point of view. I am sitting on an iPad at work, so profile type of stuff will be managed when I am at home for anyone that may be interested in reading up on the random chick that quotes Sandler to get strangers attentions. Replies would be great, but just to see anyone has read this would do for now. Thanks.

Hi Kaity,
Sorry to hear about your folks. <groan> Welcome aboard.

According to neurological research, the temporal lobe of the brain is uniquely "you". It is the part of the brain that you construct with your life experiences, fears, expectations, etc.
When they talk about the importance of one's "psychological frameset", to an experience on a psychoactive drug, they are not talking about the lighting or decor in the room. They are talking about the construction of your temporal lobe.
Here is what Wikipedia has to say about deja vu, and what disorders it may be associated with:
Early researchers tried to establish a link between déjà vu and serious psychopathology such as schizophrenia, anxiety, and dissociative identity disorder, and failed to find the experience of some diagnostic value. There does not seem to be a special association between déjà vu and schizophrenia or other psychiatric conditions.[5] The strongest pathological association of déjà vu is with temporal lobe epilepsy.[6][7] This correlation has led some researchers to speculate that the experience of déjà vu is possibly a neurological anomaly related to improper electrical discharge in the brain. As most people suffer a mild (i.e. non-pathological) epileptic episode regularly (e.g. a hypnagogic jerk, the sudden "jolt" that frequently, but not always, occurs just prior to falling asleep)it is conjectured that a similar (mild) neurological aberration occurs in the experience of déjà vu, resulting in an erroneous sensation of memory. For someone who regularly has such seizures, there is typically a feeling of déjà vu associated with whatever sensations (particularly sounds) may be occurring nearby.
"mild neurological aberrations". I'm sure they would classify DP/DR in the same way. For me, there is doubt that DP/DR is a "neurological aberration" which results from disturbance of processes in the temporal lobe of the brain. This is exactly what you are doing when you ingest recreational drugs. You are seeking to "tickle" your temporal lobe into giving you a synthetic sensation of euphoria, and you are seeking to alter your sensory experiences in a way that is entertaining to you.
If not, what did you think you were doing? Like me, you probably just didn't think. Oh, I have my regrets. When I learned about Entropy, I felt really stupid for what I did to myself.
Entropy is the law of the universe that says "things tend to disorder". It could be called "the Humpty Dumpty law". Why did I think I could throw my mind up into the air, and have it come down in better order than when I threw it up?
That wasn't very logical thinking. Personally, I don't believe one can find a higher level of consciousness on recreational drugs. I may be biased, however, from my own personal experiences.
And I have experienced most of it, for most of my life.

I hate psychiatrists and psychologists. They know nothing. They probably just partied through university and crammed for tests. Now they sit in chairs making diagnoses that are wrong. Fuck em in the face.

Sadly, I have to agree with you. For 39 years, the psychs couldn't make sense of my story. And, it cost me dearly in time, $, mal treatment and unnecessary suffering. I finally did the research and solved my own riddle. I went for an MRI, and a young EEG tech asked for my story. I had barely started it, and she finished it. She knew what it meant. Psychiatry is the rape of society's most vulnerable citizens. I can't wait for the day that neurology puts them all in the unemployment line.

I was reading a neuro text on DP/DR. It mentioned that flourescent lights can aggravate the symptoms. I don't remember exactly why, but I assume it is because flourescent lights tend to have a bit of a strobe effect. I remember almost losing it a few times in strange department stores with flourescent lights and lots of mirrors. It was just too much confusion for my compromised neurology to sort out. lol

And here comes a typical your-beliefs-are-only-beliefs-but-my-beliefs-are-the-truth guy.

I recovered totally, months ago, just to clarify.

As the saying goes, you are entitled to your own beliefs. But, you are not entitled to
your own facts. You don't know why your symptoms appeared, or resolved. (Though you may believe you do).
The question is, whether you have established that DP/DR can be willed away.
Any placebo will work on transient symptoms. You are now a member of the "transient symptoms
resolved club", with firm beliefs that you are responsible for your remission.
You may have also discovered the cure for the common cold. Those symptoms will resolve by themselves,
regardless of your beliefs. Don't let that stop you from publishing your cure.
Having said that, I am happy that your symptoms are gone and I respect your right to
entertain your own beliefs. I just see a problem in promoting your experience as the answer to those
experiencing DP/DR of a chronic nature.

Beliefs can sometimes be different from reality in meaningful ways. Believing my car keys are in my pocket, is sometimes not enough to start my car. Believing DP/DR does not exist will not make it go away.
Is DP or DR more obvious when you focus your attention on it? Surely. As it should.
Does DP or DR disappear because your focus is somewhere else? Not really. It has just been remanded to the background.
DP/DR may correlate to your distraction, but the underlying symptoms are there and
are revealed when you are no longer distracted.
I used to have a religious kind of connection with nature. My life's problems would fade
and I could find peace in the quiet forest. That changed when I began to experience neuro-psychiatric
symptoms. The peace and quiet of the forest became a contrast for my symptoms.
The quiet of nature is no longer a refuge for me. I really miss the peace I knew before.
But, busy is good.! :0)

Life is like a pocket full of money which must be spent.
You will fear death, if you try not to spend your money.
This, because you will die with a pocket full of unspent money.
Fear of death can be fear of life in disguise.
So spend your money and have as few regrets as possible.
When your money is almost gone, you will no longer fear death.
Death is just the abandonement of a spent life.
This from one who only has a few dollars left in his pocket. lol

I have a book called "10,000 ways to make the world a better place". (or something close to that). The world is awash in misery and suffering.
Charity begins at home. Don't add to the suffering if you can help it. There are many things you can do to help alleviate the world's suffering.
Use your sentiments as motivation to make a career of it. You don't have to work "pro bono". You are entitled to a living wage in pursuit of
a better world. Was it Yoda who said "Don't think....Do!"
Best Wishes,
Bill

People with emotional deficits often put their cognitive skills into hypertrophy. It might be a method of ego compensation for the lack of emotions.
An intersting "personality disorder" is Temporal Lobe Personality. Those with Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning Autism) and some Epileptics with Temporal Lobe Dysfunction
exhibit the traits of this "personality disorder". It is marked by "pedantic" speech. Pedantic: ostentations and vainglorius. In laymens terms: boastful and condescending by way of using big words, to the effect an air of superior intelligence.

This site has been a resource for me. I don't visit here to wallow in my misery. I don't expect anyone on this forum to cure me. I doubt there is anything anyone can write on this board that can harm me. This forum is not a substitute for social interaction. I take what is of value to me from this site, and I leave the remainder.
A long time ago, I realised the cavalry would not magically appear on the horizon. I was helpless, but I had to get past that. It was necessary for me to develope the mindset of a survivor. So, I did. I am not going to be rescued. I am no longer lost, waiting for rescue.
I'm not sure how I got here, so I don't know the way back. But, I accept that I am right where I am. I don't have a map for where i want to be. That place seems too distant.
But, I have a plan and a map to take a small trip to someplace better. When I get there, I will congratulate myself and make another plan.
I have met some wonderful people on this board, and they have helped me in many ways. If nothing else, they listened to me as I related things I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else.
I was sick for more than 10 years before the internet. For those of you who have always had access to it, you may not be able to understand how difficult it is/was to suffer this illness alone - in ignorance and fear. I am sorry that others are suffering with me, but it means so much to know I am not alone.
It is my understanding that symptoms of DP/DR are associated with a wide range of neurological - psychiatric illness. The causes may be anything from emotional developement to traumatic brain injury. Would it comfort anyone to know that some of the US Military's finest soldiers are suffering DP/DR as a result of TBI from IED explosions?
This illness is not a function of weakness.

DP/DR is/was just a small subset of my neuro-psychiatric symptoms. The physiological event that is the cause of my DP/DR is most likely NOT shared by others on this board. My etiology and outcome will be DIFFERENT from most people on this board. My path is most likely quite DIFFERENT from your path. If I were to commit suicide; you would not be obligated to follow me.
I would only offer positive criticism of this board; it's content; and/or it's moderation. But, I don't really have any. I find it difficult to criticise intelligent and compassionate individuals who sacrafice their time to provide free information and support. At any given time, there are always people on this board who I can identify with. And, I can PM them to see if we can help each other in understanding and coping with issues or experiences we may share.
Think about it. (Forestx5, nee CabgX5)

I had a cannabis induced trauma in 1971, at the age of 17. Back then, there didn't seem to be any information available which could help me sort through the event.
I became extremely intoxicated after sharing a couple of marijuana cigarettes. I had smoked several times prior, but had not realized any significant effect. I was primed and intent
on getting "buzzed". I sucked down the smoke as deeply as I could, and held it as long as I could. Probably should have had a stroke. For years after, I wondered if I did not have a stroke.
Several minutes after smoking, my mind was wandering. I felt a hot flash in my midsection followed by "the butterflies"., ie the anxiety you might feel before running a race. Only it was on the scale of being punched in the stomache. Odd, I thought. Then I remembered having just smoked the marihuana. Next my body parts started to fail to report in. My arm went missing.
Couldn't feel it at all. This caused a bit of agitation, as I am uncomfortable not knowing where my body parts are. So I got up to take a walk, to keep things moving. I said something to someone, and my voice sounded as if it was coming from somewhere else. The ground felt soft and spongy, as if I were walking on a trampoline. Next, my vision started screwing up. I have seen this phenomena described in other severe cannabis intoxications, as well as with DMX.
You might find similar reports on EROWID. My vision started coming in "frames", as if I was watching a slow slide show. I noticed that one half of my head had gone cold and tingly.
It was parted right down the middle. I was wondering why my vision couldn't hold a picture. Even if my view didn't change, it was if I was seeing the same view again, then again, then again.
But, there were lapses in between the frames. The sensation was that I was strobing in and out of consciousness. Then, it got worse. Something inside the left side of my head started tensing up like a clock spring. It would tense up over what seemed 3 or 4 seconds, then it would release. When it released, whatever I was looking at zoomed away and became very small.
AS if I were suddenly looking through a pair of binoculars from the wrong end. With the releasing of the tension, I also got a shock or shiver on the tingly side of my head.
This process continued at that rate for some time. Again, it seemed as if I was drowning and fighting to maintain consciousness. It pegged my fear meter. I was absolutely convinced I was dying. I may have been hyperventilating uncontrollably, which might explain the tingles and the sensation of passing out and coming to. Coupled with the cannabis intoxication, it was way too much for my psyche. My symptoms did recede after a few hours, but there was no clear cessation. I didn't sleep for 2 weeks following this incident. Instead of sleeping it off, I went into an episode of clinical depression. I had no appetite, lost my sex drive, couldn't sleep, had profound feelings of guilt and hopelessness and was filled with a sense of morbidity. I also had the unique symptoms of DP and DR. I think the Cannabis or anxiety also wrecked my vestibular (inner ear) functions. I had loud clicking and popping in my ears, and sensations of pressure changes that I had never felt before. Three months out from this incident, I began to notice a large number of "floaters" in my vision. I had never seen them before. I also noticed the "sparklys" or little white dots that would appear racing for a brief moment in my vision.
I think that HPPD explains them as white blood cells in the eye having to do with the "blue entropic effect" (??). Anyway, it was all unknown to me at the time, and just fuel for my
fears. So, initially I thought I had done physical damage to my brain. 3 months out, I also developed recurrent opthalmic migraines, and also had no idea what they were.
On top of all that, I began to experience frequent panic attacks. They wouldn't have a name for another 15 years. I assumed they were flashbacks to my initial intoxication, or a progression of my insanity. They were intense but brief periods of dp/dr that also pegged the fear meter. I wasn't diagnosed or treated for any of these issues for 20 years. During that time, I lived in ignorance and fear of my symptoms.
Today I do not believe my cannabis was laced, or that I suffered a brain injury. I think cannabis is toxic if you eat more than 7kg. lol I do think I was psychologically disposed to have a traumatic anxiety experience. I was depressed as a teenager. I was probably on the verge of the onset of a major depressive disorder without the cannabis experience. My early life was replete with physical and emotional abuse. I do believe that our view of the world is something of an illusion. Television is an illusion. The old matrix of 525 horizontal lines of information, with an interlaced presentation of 262 lines at a 60hz rate is designed to "fool" the human eye. I do not believe I hallucinated while intoxicated. WhatI perceived was simply a misrepresentation or abherration of what I would have seen, if my brain wasn't plugging in dummy cannabis molecules into receptors that were looking for the real thing.
If you are old like me, you may remember the vertical and horizontal controls on your TV. If you tweak those knobs, your beautiful picture goes haywire. It tears horizontally, and rips vertically. I think pouring sawdust into my delicate machinery accomplished the same thing for me.
I feel fairly confident in this, because I did revisit the scene of the crime. Several years out from my initial intoxication, I smoked some potent hashish. I thought I might solve my anxiety issues by overwriting my unpleasant experience with a proper one. I got nearly the exact same results - framing vision, extreme fear, and fighting to preserve my interface with reality.
Why do I feel I have permanent visual and vestibular symptoms? I believe I can actually see things better. But, that comes at the expense of my illusion of reality. The overall effect is negative, or unpleasant. I don't want to see the floaters in my vitreous. But I do now. I don't want to see the white blood cells in my capillaries. But, I do now. I don't want to hear my ears making constant pressure adjustments, but I do now.

For the people with HPPD who see geometric patterns, I have to wonder if fractals are not part of the brains process for converting the lensed image from the eye, into the electro-chemical signals which are processed by the brain. In other words, these people are not seeing things that are not there. They are now seeing things that are there, but were formerly concealed.
I can't really explain the DP or DR. I never had static snow, but I did have brain fog. It could be that some process in the brain is initially deregulated by the psychoactive drug, then kept out of kilter by the resulting anxiety. Seeing that a percentage of folks have no history of psychoactive drug use, it could be all related to anxiety. Then again, there seem to be other substances besides psycho active drugs that can initiate DP/DR. Who knows, in this day and age, what chemicals they are exposed to on a regular basis?
One thing that encourages me, is the research that is ongoing in this area. It will never help me have a better life. That is mostly behind me. But, I would love to have some understanding
of why I had to live my life as I did. For the younger folks who need help now, at least you don't have to live in total ignorance with your fears. You do have hope.
Life isn't fair, it is said. And, it is a fact. I went on to suffer several more major depressive episodes which left me in a near vegitative state. I have gone sleepless for 2 and 3 months at a stretch, and it is sheer torture to suffer severe anxiety and insomnia together, and lose 35 lbs per episode without effort.
I was diagnosed with major depression and panic syndrome in 1992. I was placed on the SSRI paxil, which resolved my panic episodes. Today, I take effexor and a small amount of seroquel. The effexor is effective in assisting me with the depression, and the seroquel facilitates restive sleep. The seroquel also serves as an anti anxiety agent for me. Whether it does so directly, or through the facilitation of sleep, I do not know. But it works for me.
Despite all the above, I had a successful life. I got something of an eduction and have held a decent job my entire life. I look forward to retirement in the next few years. I am a husband and a proud father of a talented and gifted child. Life was difficult for me, but I refused to quit. I got some of my initial understanding from posters on this board, and I want to thank you all and encourage you to keep pressing forward with your lives. The best of luck to you all.