I'd like to add something in regards to my dream experiences. Last night I listened to someone in my head who went on a monologue explaining some complex subjects
to the audience in my head. I listened to everything he had to say, and it occurred to me that, while he sounded like he knew what he was talking about, he was really just making stuff up. He had no real idea of what he was talking about, but
he was going on about things as if he were an expert not to be interrupted or disagreed with. And I wondered....where is he getting his information? Who invited him to the party?
Is it any small wonder I wake just as confused as to world mysteries, as when I turned in?
This topic reminds me of a cartoon. The Hubble Telescope cost billions to build and operate for a decade, and due to a flaw in a reflective mirror it wasn't producing quality photographs of deep space.
Politicians were angry and threatening to defund the hubble telescope program. The cartoon showed a half dozen scientists sitting at a table discussing the problem, when one of them says
"maybe deep space really is blurry and fuzzy?". Someone went up in a shuttle and made repairs, and now the photographs from the hubble are truly out of this world.
My dreaming has changed significantly over the decades. Come to think of it, everything has changed significantly over the decades. Aging is much more than the simple passing of time.
From my experience, your body and mind undergo significant biological changes. They can occur so slowly as to be nearly imperceptible. Passions, and memories undergo shifts in intensity and clarity.
I used to have very entertaining dreams. I looked forward to sleep and the experience of dreaming. I would start out reading a book on the environment I wanted to enter in my dreams, and I would segue into it as
I fell asleep. I don't miss the repetitive dreams of looking for my next high school classroom and endlessly
walking the halls of my high school trying to figure out where I am supposed to be, and feeling anxious about being late. lol
I remember seeing a list of common repetitive dreams and what they meant. I had been experiencing a couple of them. Regrets can manifest themselves in your dreams.
I had episodic major depressions since I was 17. The depressions reoccurred about every 8 years on average. They were epic struggles for survival.
I would go down for 6 months, lose my ability to sleep, lose 15% of my body weight, be unable to bathe or care for myself. I felt profound hopelessness
and was suicidal. At the bottom, I was probably too sick to kill myself. After hitting bottom and having a mental meltdown, I would claw my way back up over a period of 18 months. So, in 40 years of my adult
life, I spent about 20% of my time actively battling a serious mental illness. If I had known my illness was cyclical, I might have killed myself at age 17 and
not regretted it. But, I saw myself as an innocent kid who didn't deserve what was happening. I didn't understand what had happened to me. I had a lot of life to live. I hadn't even had sex by then. I battled
my anxiety and insomnia without medical help, and my youth carried the day. Successive episodes would see me hospitalized twice, I suffered 4 more episodes
very similar to the first. Long story short, I solved the riddle of the trauma that initiated my depressive illness. I was suffering from a rare epileptic syndrome which
was said to be difficult to diagnose. My illness began with a powerful temporal lobe seizure. A British Neurological Journal said this: "The worst case scenario is when "the post ictal psychosis segues into an affective disorder of major depression or bipolar disorder."".
I was a worse case scenario. With that information, I had a neurologist administer and evaluate my MRI and EEG. My self diagnosis was confirmed. My EEG indicated I had a history of epileptic seizure. My "panic attacks" were actually focal temporal lobe seizures.
From there, I was able to research all of my symptoms and put my life in focus. It was very empowering after having lived in survival mode for so long.
I had ECT in 2014 and it caused a fundamental shift in my brain function. I was able to discontinue SSRiS and other adjunct psych meds I had taken for 25 years.
My success was a long shot, but I earned it. I don't know how I might convince you that I know where the bottom of the pit is. I've been there more than once. If I had taken my own life, I could forgive myself
for doing so. But, I didn't and my life improved significantly due to my own self advocacy and research. I have another 12.5 years of life expectancy. Probably less since I have had 5X bypasses and the wear and tear
on my mind and body due to those depressive episodes. No matter. I'll live it to the best of my ability and deal with death when it gets here. I could also say that everything I achieved in life, I owe to my illness.
I never intended to work as hard in life as I had to, in order to conceal my illness and lead a relatively normal (in outward appearance) life. Good luck.
I blame it on high school. In high school, I took a class which taught shorthand as well as typing. The teacher was gay. I was the only boy in the class of perhaps 30 females.
I never did my homework for shorthand, so I was failing the class at midpoint. I ended with a C+ in the class, as I found I enjoyed typing. In the military, someone learned I could
type. I was then "typecast" into working the desk of one of the busiest US Military Police Stations in Europe. I had an IBM ball and I could make it sing. I worked rotating shifts, and
when I worked the 3-11pm shift, I could get off as early as 2am, but only because of my speedy typing. Things didn't start getting busy until 10pm, and I wasn't done until the blotter
and reports were finalized. So, now I can transmit my thought process to this forum at a speed which doesn't include much restraint. I find myself thinking and typing things I probably shouldn't.
Oh well, what the hell? As for sticking around post recovery, I do so for the next generation of me. The guy or gal who would otherwise be mentally ill for 40 years without understanding how or why.
I'm a bit of a rarity, but I know I am not unique. Knowing I could not be unique was what kept me searching and finally resulted in my finding my answers. I learned some things along the way that
could help others. I passed a psychologists office on the boulevard the other day. I hadn't noticed his shingle for many years. I thought back to the time I visited with him every other week for 6 months.
What a waste of money. He's still in business, wasting the time and money of people with neurological illness, no doubt. He has to be 70 years old now. When the pickings are so good, it is hard to stop.
And I often suggest that those who feel they are suffering serious neurological symptoms, to get an EEG and sort yourself out. Nothing wrong with being neurotic, but if you have a neurological treatable
I'm back to work part time after 7 years of retirement. For the most part, it is stress free mindless labor of unloading delivery trucks and pricing contents for retail.
I don't get to use my electronics or math background. I don't have a real need for the job. I just thought I might add a little structure to my week, to make the rest of my time seem more valuable.
And, my first couple days on the job I felt anxiety about the new surroundings and people and I don't understand why. Everyone is nice. I'm more than capable for the tasks.
No worries, right? Well, I guess It ls a subconscious thing. So my first couple of days felt more stressful than I had an explanation for. Those feelings made me uncomfortable because I couldn't explain or control them.
I had concerns they could escalate. I reassured myself as best I could and went about my tasks.
And, I acclimated. Give yourself some time to acclimate. I was supposed to work 2 days a week, and already they have me working 4. They'll be giving me the keys to the office if I'm not
careful. So my advice is not to wrestle with the anxiety and give it a chance to subside and ask yourself what's the worst case scenario? You find a job with more appropriate surroundings.
Posted by forestx5
on 23 September 2020 - 06:58 PM
I wasn't the "real me" for forty years. The person that people saw was something of an act. During my lifetime, I had some lovely people try to connect with me on a meaningful level, but I rebuffed them and kept my distance.
I was hiding something ugly. Since I didn't understand it, I couldn't hope that anyone else could understand it either, so I kept up my defenses. I didn't want to, but felt like I had to.
I'm reminded of Ecclesiastes 3.1: "To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,"
An illness which spans four decades can have a significant impact on the seasons of life. It was painful to watch the time pass, knowing my seasons were changing and