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Member Since 28 Aug 2008
Offline Last Active Today, 08:02 AM

#628546 Nothing is interesting

Posted by forestx5 on Today, 08:02 AM

I kept doing the things I enjoyed, simply because I remembered enjoying them. I believe you can get most of it back if

you make the effort to remain engaged and be patient. Pens fan.

#628486 Just to share what happened today

Posted by forestx5 on 21 January 2021 - 07:00 PM

You had a choice and you acted on it.  By leaving the vehicle you demonstrated that you do not have to be submissive in the face of undeserved criticism.

That is a powerful thing to be able to do.  Congratulations.

Hopefully, your mother and sister will understand it is inappropriate and unkind to team up in harassing you, and you will not stand for it.

Good luck!

#628422 Fighting for 6.5 years now

Posted by forestx5 on 17 January 2021 - 06:34 PM

I have a major depressive disorder and it is a function of an epileptic syndrome.  I had a

powerful temporal seizure at age 17.  At age 57 i read a British neurological journal that had a

case history that matched my own in every detail.  It said "the worst case scenario is when the

post ictal psychosis segues into an affective disorder of recurrent major or bipolar depression.

I was a worst case scenario..My advice would be to have an EEG to determine if the basis of

your illness is neurological.  The EEG is convenient and painless.

#628000 How bad have your symptoms gotten?

Posted by forestx5 on 28 December 2020 - 05:36 AM

My dp is a function of major depression which is a whole other level of suffering. It can devolve into a vegetative state.

I remember being afraid of water.  The thought of taking a shower was suffocatingly repulsive.  My hygiene deteriorated. 

This sensation is not uncommon in people who are suffering from acute and chronic alcoholism.  I remember not being able to read or listen to the radio.  Processing

information was just too taxing on my mental faculties. I experienced racing thoughts prior to a complete meltdown.

IT was like an involuntary word/thought association game which accelerated until it reached the speed of light at which time...."Poof!"

The train of thought would disappear and you would not be able to remember any of it. Then a new game would begin.  I have experienced most of the

unique and odd symptoms of serious major depression.  I've literally been to hell and back.on more than one occasion..

#627900 Coming on here daily is detrimental to recovery

Posted by forestx5 on 24 December 2020 - 06:41 AM

"I know we all appreciate the site for what it is and what it's done for us". 

Do you have a mouse in your pocket? lol

#627852 Dreams

Posted by forestx5 on 22 December 2020 - 05:35 AM

I'd like to add something in regards to my dream experiences.  Last night I listened to someone in my head who went on a monologue explaining some complex subjects

to the audience in my head.  I listened to everything he had to say, and it occurred to me that, while he sounded like he knew what he was talking about,  he was really just making stuff up.  He had no real idea of what he was talking about, but

he was going on about things as if he were an expert not to be interrupted or disagreed with.  And I wondered....where is he getting his information? Who invited him to the party?

Is it any small wonder I wake just as confused as to world mysteries, as when I turned in?

#627822 Dreams

Posted by forestx5 on 20 December 2020 - 07:14 PM

This topic reminds me of a cartoon.  The Hubble Telescope cost billions to build and operate for a decade, and due to a flaw in a reflective mirror it wasn't producing quality photographs of deep space.

Politicians were angry and threatening to defund the hubble telescope program. The cartoon showed a half dozen scientists sitting at a table discussing the problem, when one of them says

"maybe deep space really is blurry and fuzzy?".  Someone went up in a shuttle and made repairs, and now the photographs from the hubble are truly out of this world.

My dreaming has changed significantly over the decades.  Come to think of it, everything has changed significantly over the decades.  Aging is much more than the simple passing of time.

From my experience, your body and mind undergo significant biological changes.  They can occur so slowly as to be nearly imperceptible.  Passions, and memories undergo shifts in intensity and clarity.

I used to have very entertaining dreams.  I looked forward to sleep and the experience of dreaming. I would start out reading a book on the environment I wanted to enter in my dreams, and I would segue into it as

I fell asleep.  I don't miss the repetitive dreams of looking for my next high school classroom and endlessly

walking the halls of my high school trying to figure out where I am supposed to be, and feeling anxious about being late.  lol

I remember seeing a list of common repetitive dreams and what they meant.  I had been experiencing a couple of them.  Regrets can manifest themselves in your dreams.

#627808 how do you do handle being hopeless and suicidal because of your dpdr?

Posted by forestx5 on 19 December 2020 - 07:00 PM

I had episodic major depressions since I was 17.  The depressions reoccurred about every 8 years on average.  They were epic struggles for survival.

I would go down for 6 months, lose my ability to sleep, lose 15% of my body weight, be unable to bathe or care for myself.  I felt profound hopelessness

and was suicidal. At the bottom, I was probably too sick to kill myself.   After hitting bottom and having a mental meltdown, I would claw my way back up over a period of 18 months.  So, in 40 years of my adult

life, I spent about 20% of my time actively battling a serious mental illness.  If I had known my illness was cyclical, I might have killed myself at age 17 and

not regretted it.  But, I saw myself as an innocent kid who didn't deserve what was happening. I didn't understand what had happened to me.   I had a lot of life to live.  I hadn't even had sex by then.  I battled

my anxiety and insomnia without medical help, and my youth carried the day. Successive episodes would see me hospitalized twice, I suffered 4 more episodes

very similar to the first.  Long story short, I solved the riddle of the trauma that initiated my depressive illness.  I was suffering from a rare epileptic syndrome which

was said to be difficult to diagnose.  My illness began with a powerful temporal lobe seizure.  A British Neurological Journal said this:  "The worst case scenario is when "the post ictal psychosis segues into an affective disorder of major depression or bipolar disorder."".

I was a worse case scenario.  With that information, I had a neurologist administer and evaluate my MRI and EEG.  My self diagnosis was confirmed.  My EEG indicated I had a history of epileptic seizure. My "panic attacks" were actually focal temporal lobe seizures.

From there, I was able to research all of my symptoms and put my life in focus.  It was very empowering after having lived in survival mode for so long.

I had ECT in 2014 and it caused a fundamental shift in my brain function.  I was able to discontinue SSRiS and other adjunct psych meds I had taken for 25 years.

My success was a long shot, but I earned it. I don't know how I might convince you that I know where the bottom of the pit is.  I've been there more than once.  If I had taken my own life, I could forgive myself

for doing so.  But, I didn't and my life improved significantly due to my own self advocacy and research.  I have another 12.5 years of life expectancy.  Probably less since I have had 5X bypasses and the wear and tear

on my mind and body due to those depressive episodes.  No matter.  I'll live it to the best of my ability and deal with death when it gets here. I could also say that everything I achieved in life, I owe to my illness.

I never intended to work as hard in life as I had to, in order to conceal my illness and lead a relatively normal (in outward appearance) life. Good luck.

#627698 Mindfullness by Sam Harris

Posted by forestx5 on 14 December 2020 - 04:34 PM

I promise I'm not going to make a habit of recommending YouTube videos, but Sam Harris is another person who can explain concepts which

might help those experiencing dissociation.  I have heard mindfulness discussed here, without being familiar with the concept.  Perhaps there are others on the

forum who could benefit from an understanding of it.



#627686 Solipsism Arvin Ash

Posted by forestx5 on 13 December 2020 - 06:38 PM

I don't have any experience with solipsism, but I believe Arvin Ash does a fine job of explaining

things which can be hard to explain.  He tackles physics and quantum physics concepts and questions as well.

#627610 Done

Posted by forestx5 on 11 December 2020 - 06:41 PM

I saw several therapists,and several psychiatrists over 40 years of suffering.  Then I figured it out through my own research and made

an appointment with a neurologist who specialized in epilepsy.  I had an EEG and an MRI and my EEG was consistent with someone with a history of

epileptic seizure. Turns out I wasn't neurotic after all. I bet none of your therapists or psychiatrists thought to recommend you see a neurologist

and get an EEG, just like mine did not.  Upon receipt of my EEG results, the neurologist told me I was disabled.  I had just retired early (not yet 65), and now I had

an additional +20k in annual income, My daughter received $1k per month until she went off to college.  I became immediately eligible for medicare.  But best of all, I was able to

put my previous 40 years of adult life into perspective with the understanding of my epileptic syndrome.  Some people don't want to be bothered with

an EEG.  I understand.

#626874 Anyone else have this feeling? - more journaling

Posted by forestx5 on 15 November 2020 - 09:17 AM

I blame it on high school.  In high school, I took a class which taught shorthand as well as typing. The teacher was gay.  I was the only boy in the class of perhaps 30 females.

I never did my homework for shorthand, so I was failing the class at midpoint.  I ended with a C+ in the class, as I found I enjoyed typing.  In the military, someone learned I could

type.  I was then "typecast" into working the desk of one of the busiest US Military Police Stations in Europe.  I had an IBM ball and I could make it sing. I worked rotating shifts, and

when I worked the 3-11pm shift, I could get off as early as 2am, but only because of my speedy typing.  Things didn't start getting busy until 10pm, and I wasn't done until the blotter

and reports were finalized.  So, now I can transmit my thought process to this forum at a speed which doesn't include much restraint.  I find myself thinking and typing things I probably shouldn't.

Oh well, what the hell?  As for sticking around post recovery, I do so for the next generation of me.  The guy or gal who would otherwise be mentally ill for 40 years without understanding how or why.

I'm a bit of a rarity, but I know I am not unique.  Knowing I could not be unique was what kept me searching and finally resulted in my finding my answers.  I learned some things along the way that

could help others.  I passed a psychologists office on the boulevard the other day.  I hadn't noticed his shingle for many years.  I thought back to the time I visited with him every other week for 6 months.

What a waste of money.  He's still in business, wasting the time and money of people with neurological illness, no doubt.  He has to be 70 years old now.  When the pickings are so good, it is hard to stop.

And I often suggest that those who feel they are suffering serious neurological symptoms, to get an EEG and sort yourself out.  Nothing wrong with being neurotic, but if you have a neurological treatable

illness, you should probably start there.  :)

#626814 Anyone else have this feeling? - more journaling

Posted by forestx5 on 12 November 2020 - 08:39 AM

That's just the black hole syndrome manifesting itself.  At the center of every galaxy is a black hole.  Everything revolves around the black hole, on paths of ever smaller circumference.

Eventually, everything crosses the event horizon and goes down the hole to become part of a singularity.  The black hole burps out some Hawking radiation, and that is the end of space-time

for you, my friend.  You will stay a part of the singularity until the next big bang when we can all do it again!  Until then, eat, drink, and be merry, and spend a little time playing in the dirt.

#626724 DPDR and Work?

Posted by forestx5 on 02 November 2020 - 08:30 PM

I'm back to work part time after 7 years of retirement.  For the most part, it is stress free mindless labor of unloading delivery trucks and pricing contents for retail.

I don't get to use my electronics or math background.  I don't have a real need for the job.  I just thought I might add a little structure to my week, to make the rest of my time seem more valuable.

And, my first couple days on the job I felt anxiety about the new surroundings and people and I don't understand why. Everyone is nice. I'm more than capable for the tasks.

No worries, right?  Well, I guess It ls a subconscious thing.   So my first couple of days felt more stressful than I had an explanation for. Those feelings made me uncomfortable because I couldn't explain or control them.

I had concerns they could escalate.  I reassured myself as best I could and went about my tasks. 

And, I acclimated.  Give yourself some time to acclimate. I was supposed to work 2 days a week, and already they have me working 4.  They'll be giving me the keys to the office if I'm not

careful. So my advice is not to wrestle with the anxiety and give it a chance to subside and ask yourself what's the worst case scenario?  You find a job with more appropriate surroundings. 

It won't come to that.  Good luck, best wishes!

#622236 Do people know you?

Posted by forestx5 on 23 September 2020 - 06:58 PM

I wasn't the "real me" for forty years.  The person that people saw was something of an act. During my lifetime,  I had some lovely people try to connect with me on a meaningful level, but I rebuffed them and kept my distance.

I was hiding something ugly.  Since I didn't understand it, I couldn't hope that anyone else could understand it either, so I kept up my defenses.  I didn't want to, but felt like I had to.

I'm reminded of Ecclesiastes 3.1: "To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,"

An illness which spans four decades can have a significant impact on the seasons of life.  It was painful to watch the time pass, knowing my seasons were changing and

my purpose was going unfulfilled.