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Member Since 28 Aug 2008
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#622236 Do people know you?

Posted by forestx5 on 23 September 2020 - 06:58 PM

I wasn't the "real me" for forty years.  The person that people saw was something of an act. During my lifetime,  I had some lovely people try to connect with me on a meaningful level, but I rebuffed them and kept my distance.

I was hiding something ugly.  Since I didn't understand it, I couldn't hope that anyone else could understand it either, so I kept up my defenses.  I didn't want to, but felt like I had to.

I'm reminded of Ecclesiastes 3.1: "To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,"

An illness which spans four decades can have a significant impact on the seasons of life.  It was painful to watch the time pass, knowing my seasons were changing and

my purpose was going unfulfilled.

#620630 Weather affecting DP/DR intensity.

Posted by forestx5 on 19 August 2020 - 12:56 PM

It is an answer to a different question, but I experienced a profound diurnal effect during my depressive episodes. Mornings and early afternoons were very difficult times, with moderate to severe symptoms of anxiety etc.

By mid afternoon, I seemed to have warmed up to life a bit, and I would have the relatively best part of my day until later in the evening when the challenge of insomnia raised it's ugly head in preparation for an attempt at sleep.

The "Diurnal effect" is recognized as a feature of some major depressive episodes.  I don't know if they offer an explanation for it. 

#620264 I'm losing hope

Posted by forestx5 on 09 August 2020 - 09:38 PM

One day at a time.You don't know what to do?  Then don't do anything you don't have to do.   I overcame suicidal thoughts by surviving one day at a time. I was so hopeless, I was

convinced I was going to kill myself to end my suffering.  I was so convincing, I actually made a crisis counselor cry over the phone because she was sure I was

going to kill myself. I was sick out of my mind.   I still feel bad about that.  When I recovered, I sent the foundation a nice donation.    Take it easy on yourself.

Now is not the time to wrestle with life's bigger issues.  Relax when you can.  Try to get the rest you need..  Take extra special care of yourself.

Let time be on your side.  I.never thought I could pull away from the black hole I was in. I just refused to give in. And, I feel guilty about it because

I don't believe that everyone else is going to make it.  I just want you to know that you can make it if you persist and persevere.  Good luck.

#620168 Need advice please

Posted by forestx5 on 05 August 2020 - 06:21 PM

Surprising as it may seem, I lived with focal temporal lobe seizures, frequent migraine aura which functionally blinded me for 30 minutes each episode, and I endured an episode

of major depression on intervals of 8 years throughout 40 years of my adult life.  It took me 40 years to self diagnose my illness because the medical industry isn't geared to rare

and difficult to diagnose epileptic syndromes. I discovered myself in a medical journal I found in a British Neurological library.  It describe my illness exactly.

It described the onset exactly as it happened to me.  It explained every odd symptom I had ever experienced.

If, at any time during my 40 years of suffering, someone had recommended I get an would have changed my life.

Which, of course, is why I recommend you have one. It could change your life.  If it is negative, then you know something you didn't before.

#620084 Need advice please

Posted by forestx5 on 01 August 2020 - 07:43 PM

I would recommend you see a neurologist and ask for an EEG.  I had similar symptoms following my first epileptic seizures as a teen.   My family seemed alien because I no longer was

able to feel the emotions that were supposed to be assigned to their images.  i had to live by my intellect for a long period, until I recovered most of my emotional capacity.

I never got it all back, and my EEGs are abnormal today, over 45 years after my initial trauma as a 17 year old.  It wasn't until I had the EEG, which showed I was epileptic,

that I began to understand my symptoms  and my life.

#619304 Lyme or other tickborne illness causing dpdr?

Posted by forestx5 on 07 July 2020 - 07:59 AM

I considered Lyme as a source for my neurological/psychiatric issues.  I have spent a lot of time outdoors and have been bitten by ticks. I never noticed a bullseye rash or anything like that, but no one

can argue that Lyme causes neuro-psychiatric symptoms.  Lyme is difficult to diagnose reliably, so it is reasonable that anyone suffering chronic neuro-psych symptoms who was ever bitten by a tick,

would want to rule out Lyme. And, that is not as easy as it might be.  On the other hand, there are a lot of other reasons to have neuro-psych symptoms which makes Lyme disease less likely.

I noticed that hamburgers and other meats don't have the same flavor as used to be. Did I lose my taste buds as I aged?  Is it the antibiotics they are using on pork and beef? Or, did some pathogen

I got from a tick bite remove my sense of taste?  LOL.  Llife is sure complicated.

#619300 What is it like to have dp/dr for decades?

Posted by forestx5 on 07 July 2020 - 07:35 AM

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven".


If your illness degrades you significantly, then it can affect your seasons and time

can go by leaving purpose unfulfilled.  I wasn't really there for important moments

in my life. In my closest relationships, people never knew me.

I didn't know myself.  Eventually, I figured me out, but a lot of water had gone

over the dam.

#619192 Gap between Initial Panic and Dissociation (Weed induced)

Posted by forestx5 on 03 July 2020 - 05:14 PM

I posted my hypothesis on another thread.  It is possible that the powerful psychological stress of the "panic attack" has thrown a genetic switch which is responsible for

making a protein which is critical to a neurological process.  A reserve of the protein may cause a delay in consciousness being altered,  of several days.

I got this concept from the book "Genome" by Matt Ridley and I apply it to mental illness without his permission. lol

I had ECT and it was extremely beneficial.  I theorize  that the induced grand mal seizures reset my genetic firmware to factory defaults, allowing my consciousness

to alter back to normal, after 40 years.  Sometimes your body reacts in a way that is harmful to you and I give the mechanics of a heart attack as an example of that.

I don't feel guilty about offering a crazy idea like this.  It's not like I'm selling it. LOL

#619042 Buddha and Acceptance

Posted by forestx5 on 27 June 2020 - 06:26 PM

Herman Hesse wrote Siddartha. The central message that Siddhartha learns is that experience, rather than avoiding certain things in the “real world”, leads to understanding;

rather than desires and belongings being a distraction, they are as important to our perception of the world as all other actions and thought.

Siddartha fulfilled his desires en-route to spiritual nirvana, proving that there is more than one way to skin Buddha's cat.

#618688 Medication making things worse?

Posted by forestx5 on 14 June 2020 - 08:49 PM

The worst time to begin antidepressant treatment is when your symptoms are severe.  Which, of course, is when most people decide they better begin SSRI therapy. And, I suspect that is the reason the meds have suicide

as a side effect.  I began Paxil during a very rough period of major depression, and I got progressively worse every day for over a week.  It was horrible and I was extremely ill. Then, in the midst of my despair, I felt a 

strange inkling of hope. I clung to it and I slowly eased out of the darkness. All in all, it was a very risky thing to begin that medication in the shape I was in.  A decade or two later, I discovered ECT and I look back now

and realize that would have been the appropriate treatment, rather than the  SSRI.  I continued taking an SSRI following the ECT, but realized I didn't need it.  I have been med free for about 5 years and depression free.

#618532 Do you feel traumatized

Posted by forestx5 on 08 June 2020 - 07:50 PM

No.  I did feel traumatized at one time.  It took a while to get over the feeling of traumatization, but you get over that before you get over the trauma itself.

So you ask this question of someone who has lost a limb in combat 20 years ago.  Does he still feel traumatized?  Probably not.  But he still has to walk

with a cane.

#618264 My own reflection exhausts me?

Posted by forestx5 on 30 May 2020 - 12:23 PM

Brain researchers  say the eye is the window to the soul, and  if you have a soul, that it resides in the temporal lobe of your brain.  They also say the temporal lobe is "exquisitely prone to insult"

My temporal lobe was insulted when I was 17.   Immediately  following my first exposure to cannabis, I had powerfulI temporal lobe seizures.  I lost my emotions and also lost limbic resonance.


I could no longer relate to my mirror image as I once had.  The damage in my limbic region  was clouding my vision.  I developed recurrent major depression featuring severe insomnia and anxiety

from this incident and I continued to experience focal temporal lobe seizures for decades thereafter. I also experienced frequent ocular migraine aura.

40 years later, I had an EEG which showed I had significant pathology in my dominant temporal lobe. That damage had occurred when I was 17.

At 57, I was told I was disabled from an event which had occurred 40 years earlier.  I had retired early, so I just added the disability check to my monthly income.

I had ECT in 2014, which seems to have cured the depression.  The focal seizures stopped somewhere in the mix.  Life goes on.

#618242 How do you find the cause?

Posted by forestx5 on 29 May 2020 - 06:31 PM

I solved  the riddle of the origin of my mental illness, but it took me a while. I experienced powerful temporal lobe seizures, preceded by an epigastric aura, during my 1st cannabis intoxication.

Since I had no prior experience with epilepsy or cannabis intoxication, I couldn't figure out how a part of me died that warm December night in 1971. I was 17 years old and

a junior in high school.  I was in the top 10% of my class and had earned the president's all American physical fitness award. I barely made it back to school, and barely made it to graduation.

I experienced frequent spells I assumed were panic attacks.  Frequent ocular migraine auras.  An episode of major depression about every 8 years, which lasted almost 2 years in duration.

By the time I reached age 57, I had spent 25% of my adult life battling recurrent major depression with horrible insomnia and anxiety, the focal temporal lobe seizures and the rest of it.  Then I

found a case history that matched my own in every detail in a British Neurological Journal.  I learned I  was suffering from a rare epileptic syndrome whose worst case scenario was when

"the post ictal psychosis segues into an affective disorder of major depression". I was a worst case scenario.

It explained everything I had experienced in the 40 years of my adult life.  I contacted a neurologist who specialized in epilepsy and had an MRI and EEG.  The EEG verified my self diagnosis.

After serving in the military (honorably) and working in industry for 40 years, I was told I was disabled from an event that occurred at age 17. I went to the social security office with the paperwork

and received a check that very month.  No hassle.  I did undergo ECT in 2014, and that seemed to restore my firmware to factory defaults.  I no longer have focal seizures, and do not believe I

will ever experience another episode of major depression.  The moral of my story is simple.  Get an EEG.

It can be an indicator of several serious neurological conditions and can be critical in sorting yourself out.

#618120 Spirituality and what is real

Posted by forestx5 on 26 May 2020 - 09:56 PM

I don't think there is anything after life is over.  I don't remember anything before life began. Life is based on physiology.  When your heart stops pumping blood through your brain, the lights go out and everything goes quiet.

Dying can't be that difficult.  It is perhaps, the one and only thing that everyone will successfully do some day.  The real difficulty is living with a serious wound.  It makes one wonder if life is worth the effort.

#617978 Afraid to exist

Posted by forestx5 on 21 May 2020 - 08:55 AM

Consciousness is a tool.  Use it.  Build a bird house.  The birds will appreciate you.  The more you engage reality, the more it responds to  you.

Immerse yourself in the pleasure and pain of  life.  Gaze at the stars and laugh.