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Member Since 10 Feb 2021
Offline Last Active Mar 01 2021 11:00 AM

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Is this going towards recovery???

10 February 2021 - 10:17 AM

I don't know if this is recovering or not... But to present the whole situation.
Three weeks ago I tried to stop smoking (normal cigarettes). Now, although my situation involved continuous and humongous stress for the last 2 years (!), due to not being able to find a job, being in a new country, living completely isolated because we're in a very rural area, feeling discriminated, missing our country so much etc, I still decided to try it... During the day it was annoying, but I pulled through.
But that night was pure terror. I wasn't able to sleep, anxiety was through the roof, whenever I closed my eyes images just rushed randomly with no logic, so more anxiety. I thought something really bad was happening to me like a heart attack, so more anxiety... I felt the need to continously move, agitated etc.
I eventually fell asleep around 3am.
The next day... I started feeling weird.

And it didn't stop until evening, so when my husband came home, after an hour I just couldn't stand that feeling and the anxiety and the stress, so I just had a nervous breakdown crying uncontrollably, feeling pure despair that we moved here for nothing and so on, plus the fear caused by the feeling that wasn't going away, plus anxiety. I was actually shaking, and could barely speak that's how hard I was crying.

And since then I've been into this state. If in the first week it was the "I'm in a dream" feeling, now it evolved to "I cannot connect to my thoughts and innerself/there is a window between me and the world/myself".

I think, act, feel emotions just the same, but it's like there is an actual blockage over my brain that keeps me from REALLY connecting to all of these things, but I can't explain what connect means since it's a feeling...and that is why I still have the rest of the symptoms like feeling weird when I hear my own voice etc.

It's like the rational part works just fine, but even as I'm writing I have the feeling that this isn't actually happening, it's like I'm zoned out/unaware, but I'm fkn not since I'm realizing all of this and how weird and unpleasant it feels!

That's why I call it a "blanket" because I just feel that fck it, I feel normal in the back, but in the same time there's this weird perception that keeps me away from getting rid of this condition.
It's like "a blank/nothingness/gap" over my innerself. I don't know how to express this feeling/perception.

And the bigest problem is that I have short moments when I reconnect 90%, but then in a second I pull that blanket back involuntarily checking if that feeling has disappeared.
Yesterday evening I had one of the classic anxiety attacks because of that "I feel real, but so unreal/blankness feeling, I am actually going crazy", and I almost started crying because I actually feel that it's a battle with myself that I cannot win.

It's not about thinking, but the perception/feeling is so overwhelming that I just cannot pretend it's not there or "accept it". I managed to do it a couple of times, but I couldn't keep it for long.

I can think something like "oh, that guy is so annoying" and it actually irritates me, or I can watch a show and laugh, I am extremely rational, but I FEEL that disconnection always in the back of my brain.
And it's like I'm bringing it upon myself everytime I feel a bit better :(.
Only if something requires my full attention and doesn't give any inch for checking the weird feelings, only then I feel 100% fine. But...that rarely happens since it's become an obsession and because I'm all alone all day with nothing to do and having nowhere to go.

So am I heading towards recovery in any way?