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Member Since 10 Feb 2021
Offline Last Active Mar 01 2021 11:00 AM

#628952 Does anyone feel like DP is impossible to explain?

Posted by JoMe on 15 February 2021 - 06:27 AM

Yes. For me it is. It's not thoughts. It's a sensation (!) of not being able to actually be conscious about what is happening, although my critical thinking is intact. That's why I am aware of how I'm feeling.
As I wrote in my post, even now as I'm writing, it's like my perception of what is happening is not here, like...I'm doing things but I'm just observing myself doing it, but there is no actual me...
I know it's me, but it's like a blanket of nothingness, like there is a blank somewhere between my brain and perceiving that this is what is happening, like something switched off but can't pin it where exactly. I don't even know how to explain it. Then again, that is the exact subject of your post... But I guess for me it's like feeling that I'm going to end up just doing things automatically, and me as an essence, as you put it, is going to completely dissappear at some point.

#628840 Is this going towards recovery???

Posted by JoMe on 10 February 2021 - 10:17 AM

I don't know if this is recovering or not... But to present the whole situation.
Three weeks ago I tried to stop smoking (normal cigarettes). Now, although my situation involved continuous and humongous stress for the last 2 years (!), due to not being able to find a job, being in a new country, living completely isolated because we're in a very rural area, feeling discriminated, missing our country so much etc, I still decided to try it... During the day it was annoying, but I pulled through.
But that night was pure terror. I wasn't able to sleep, anxiety was through the roof, whenever I closed my eyes images just rushed randomly with no logic, so more anxiety. I thought something really bad was happening to me like a heart attack, so more anxiety... I felt the need to continously move, agitated etc.
I eventually fell asleep around 3am.
The next day... I started feeling weird.

And it didn't stop until evening, so when my husband came home, after an hour I just couldn't stand that feeling and the anxiety and the stress, so I just had a nervous breakdown crying uncontrollably, feeling pure despair that we moved here for nothing and so on, plus the fear caused by the feeling that wasn't going away, plus anxiety. I was actually shaking, and could barely speak that's how hard I was crying.

And since then I've been into this state. If in the first week it was the "I'm in a dream" feeling, now it evolved to "I cannot connect to my thoughts and innerself/there is a window between me and the world/myself".

I think, act, feel emotions just the same, but it's like there is an actual blockage over my brain that keeps me from REALLY connecting to all of these things, but I can't explain what connect means since it's a feeling...and that is why I still have the rest of the symptoms like feeling weird when I hear my own voice etc.

It's like the rational part works just fine, but even as I'm writing I have the feeling that this isn't actually happening, it's like I'm zoned out/unaware, but I'm fkn not since I'm realizing all of this and how weird and unpleasant it feels!

That's why I call it a "blanket" because I just feel that fck it, I feel normal in the back, but in the same time there's this weird perception that keeps me away from getting rid of this condition.
It's like "a blank/nothingness/gap" over my innerself. I don't know how to express this feeling/perception.

And the bigest problem is that I have short moments when I reconnect 90%, but then in a second I pull that blanket back involuntarily checking if that feeling has disappeared.
Yesterday evening I had one of the classic anxiety attacks because of that "I feel real, but so unreal/blankness feeling, I am actually going crazy", and I almost started crying because I actually feel that it's a battle with myself that I cannot win.

It's not about thinking, but the perception/feeling is so overwhelming that I just cannot pretend it's not there or "accept it". I managed to do it a couple of times, but I couldn't keep it for long.

I can think something like "oh, that guy is so annoying" and it actually irritates me, or I can watch a show and laugh, I am extremely rational, but I FEEL that disconnection always in the back of my brain.
And it's like I'm bringing it upon myself everytime I feel a bit better :(.
Only if something requires my full attention and doesn't give any inch for checking the weird feelings, only then I feel 100% fine. But...that rarely happens since it's become an obsession and because I'm all alone all day with nothing to do and having nowhere to go.

So am I heading towards recovery in any way?