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Member Since 12 Jan 2021
Offline Last Active Today, 03:07 PM

#628316 Finally recovered.

Posted by Rosesky on 12 January 2021 - 09:21 AM

Hi people,
first of all sorry for any grammar mistake, English is not my native language and also sorry for a long post but this is my story about overcoming Derealization and it was a hell of a fight, so I can't shorten it :) Please feel free to ask me anything, If I help only 1 person to feel better I will be satisfied.
S, I suffered from DR 5 years ago. Due to poor knowledge about DR in our country it lasted for almost 2 years, until I found a good therapist that was aware of what Derealization is and somehow I have overcome it over time.  I won't write about the first time because honestly I can't rember what heleped me the most, after a period of time a realized that I am feeling like my old self.

March 2020 happened, the lockdown and everything and my anxiety came back, I was working from home and I was basicly 24/7 at home. After a few  days of costant anxiety and panic attacks I woke up with derealization. Unfortunately this time it was worse. I remember making dinner in the kitchen and suddenly I just started zoning out. I couldn't recognize my kitchen, the voice of my husband and daughter and I knew what it was, I just started shaking from fear and started crying and screaming. I wanted to text my therapist but I forgot how to use the phone..It was really terrifying. I went out just to grab a fresh air, I remeber thinking ''Not again, I can't go trough it again''. It was for sure-my worst fear Derelazion was back stronger than ever. I don't like writting about the symptoms because that was always trigering for me and I only want to make people feel better, but if you have question about my symptoms I will answer.
So back to the story, I felt terrible, depressed, exhausted.. All that with constant suicide thoughts. I just wanted to end the cycle of this horrible state of mind. I lost 10kg due to anxiety, because I could not eat at all for 5 days. My husband was worried because he didn't know how to help me. I couldn't take care of my daughter, of the house-of me.
I decided to go back to therapy. Long story short-I started with Zoloft because I couldn't keep my anxiety under control.
First few weeks on Zoloft were bad and when I say bad I mean ''I wouldn't wish it even to my worst enemy''. My anxiety raised and so did DR. I couldn't sleep, eat, was sweating 24/7 and my hand were always shaking.
But I knew that it couldn't get worse than it already was, so I said to my self ''You can do this sh*t'' and I did. The anxiety and extreme brainfog lifted after 3 months.
When it was time to go back to work in the office I started crying, every day was a battle. I looked at people that I worked for a long time and I they all seemed strangers to me.
But I kept going everyday, even if I cried my self to sleep every night when I came home. I pushed my self to go out with my daugter, with my friends and after a period of time I started to enjoy everything around me, but derealization was still there.

You people have no idea how strong we actually are, how much struggle we can take.. We should be proud of ourselves (I know how you feel, I hated myself, my brain and my life) but the first thing you need to do is start loving yourself as it is. That helped me alot, I started talking to my self about how strong I am for doing "normal things" even if they seemed hard, but I kept doing them.

Here is the cure:
TREAT YOUR ANXIETY, however you want. (Therapy, medication, natural things, meditation, etc. - whatever helps you).
That is the start, because derealization is mostly a symptom. Then you can focus on DR.
This was my biggest mistake.
I avoided work, my friends, going out, making love with my husband, drinking coffe, riding a car... And because of that I felt even more anxious and my dr/dp was stronger.
Just do things like nothing is happening, I started drinking coffe again and all the things that I used to.. you will think and check every second and THAT IS OK. We all do that. But eventually you will be doing it every 30 seconds, then every minute, then every hour.. You will realize that you don't think about dr/dp that much.
You already heard that and it's true. To me the recovery started gradually. It gets week by week.
I am 85% recovered, the 15% that keeps me away from fully recover is that sometimes dr gets back, but I can handle it well and it goes away fast and also that weird sense of time, like you know something happened this morning but you don't "feel like that" and it's because I check on it. I check with myself what I did yesterday and day before... And that's why it is still here.
Trust me-I don't rush myself anymore.. I love myslef now because I know how much I tortured my brain and soul and it is just a part of healing. Eventually this will go away too.
Let me explain:
Derealization is a symptom of anxiety, and anxiety can include symptoms of OCD.
People with OCD look for comfort their raising and irrational thoughts (washing hands, doing some repeating habits, you know...)
And we search the internet or aks everyone if we are gonna be ok. (I checked with my husband if he hears the same noise I heard, because I though I'm hallucinating and going crazy)

You are reading this forum->you are searching for a confirmation that thing are gonna be all right->you find recovery story->
you feel better->after few hours the anxiety/derealization hits harder.
That's because we don't allow ourselves to feel all the bad emotions and to confirm to our brain that nothing bad will happen.
Delete you history, bookmarks, everything.
I told also my husband not to ask me how I feel, because I know I will start crying and asking if I'm gonna be all right. I told him that we should continue with our daily lives like nothing is happening.
That helped alot. Now I go out with my friends out and everything is great, I do check sometimes if DR is still there, but after minute or two I get back to the present moment.

You can do this, trust me, if I did it, everyone will. I was close to jump off a building and end with everything and here I am writing a recovery story.

I'm begging you to start loving your self and to stop coming back here over and over again.
It won't help you, trust me.
Everything is going to be ok, I promise.

If you have any questions please feel free to aks me.

I am sending you all so much love. You people are so strong and you are everything 💙