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Matt210

Member Since 15 Aug 2004
Offline Last Active Feb 03 2016 09:08 PM
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Topics I've Started

Extreme anxiety, need help/advice!

23 December 2010 - 07:31 AM

Hi everyone,

I was a former frequest poster here after going through two bouts of severe DP - which I recovered from. I came back when I had a 3rd horrible bout of anxiety - this time with less DP, and more obsessive thoughts that I was going crazy. My memory was horrible, I felt like my thoughts made no sense, I felt like I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. I descended into a total breakdown - I couldn't function. But with hard work, and support from people at places like THIS form I recovered. That's why i'm back - because I know you are all such great people, and even though you may not specifically relate to my story, i'm hoping to find some help here.

I've developed a new obsessive fear - focused on a belief that I am hearing things! For the last couple months this fear has come and gone - i'll hear something that I am not sure is real and i'll test those around me to make sure i'm not hearing that "Did you just hear something? Sounded like a dog barking outside". Over these two months i've had a couple questionable incidents that really scared me - such as once I was playing a CD very quietly at my desk, and I stopped it - but forgot that I had. A few minutes later I felt like I could still hear that music quietly playing, but when I looked - it wasn't. The second was when I was standing near my desk and I heard the sound that a new e-mail had come in, but when I got to my desk - no e-mail there (others in the office have the same sound, so its possible they got one).

This has now exploded into a full blown obsession - i now spend so much of my time just listening - and wondering if every noise i'm hearing is made up. I'm so focused on every little noise that i'll ask my girlfriend "do you hear that" and it takes her like 5 minutes of focusing just to hear what i'm talking about. Our mind obviously has a filter where it filters out most background noise for us and only consciously processes what it believes are important. By obsessing, I am breaking this filter.


However - on top of this i've had a few really scary incidents where I feel like i really did hear something. I've had three nights in a row that as i'm lying in bed i feel like I can hear the sound of geese squawking - which at fist i thought might be real, but then it didn't go away for like 20 minutes. The other night I was at my parents and I felt like i hear the sound of a blowdryer or vaccuum cleaner start up in the distance, but no one else heard it. And this morning I thought I heard the faint sound of a police siren in the distance - I didn't ask my girlfriend if she could hear it too but im pretty positive it wasn't real.

Is it possible my anxious and obsessed mind is just creating these sounds because im so worried about hearing things? My mind has been quite powerful in the past - I remember one of my first obsessions was around robbers breaking into my house when I was young, and many nights I actually transformed the sounds of the house settling into the distinct sounds of footprints in my house?

Or am I just going nuts? I keep trying to calm myself my saying 'people who are going crazy dont know they are' and 'i'm not interacting to or responding to these sounds like a crazy person would'. But then my fear pops up and says "maybe this is just the beginning and soon i'll go totally crazy like that".

Help! Any thoughts or advice? Am i crazy???

Hello Old Friends...!

07 July 2010 - 05:01 PM

Hey everyone - haven't been on here in quite some time, but i'm a veteran of this site. It always comforts me when I come back to see very few of the same people from last time I was here - as it likely means my old friends are doing fine.

When I was last here I was slowing withdrawing from Benzos (Klonopin) which proved much harder than I ever thought possible considering at my peak I was only on 1mg per day. Withdrawal was hell but I was feeling pretty damn good and I knew I didn't want to be on Benzos for the rest of my life so I hung in there. I was Benzo free for quite a while, and now take only the occasional benzo (maybe two tablets of 0.5 mg per month). I was also on Lexapro, which I found did nothing for me except made me fat and constantly tired. I made the decision against my doctors advice to take myself off them. Because my doctor wouldn't give me 10mg tablets I was required to go from a 20mg per day, to 10 mg per day for a few weeks, and then stop cold turkey. It was pretty brutal - i was agitated all the time and and had OCD thoughts through the roof.

I've sort of bounced back from that, but have been having a rough week so I thought i'd stop in here.

I like to always leave a message of positivity because there often isn't enough of that here: All of you are fine. Those of you who don't feel fine, will again. You're all warriors - keep battling! For eight years now i've battled severe anxiety, even more severe depersonalization and derealization, OCD thoughts, you name it. The DP/DR were one of the toughest to kick but I did it.

Anyways - lately i've been feeling intense thoughts that I am a bad person. I have this OCD thing where I fear that I will become a serial killer, or that I will harm my friends or family, or that I will harm myself, or go crazy, etc. I obsess over them and they feel horrifically real to me. Hence my bad week. Like many of us, my mind is horribly creative and imaginative and any time I battle and defeat one symptom it finds something else to bother me with. I don't really expect many of you to relate here, but I just needed to get it off my chest as it all makes me scared. I hate going downhill even a little bit because I find it such a slippery slope - so many times i've relapsed into total hell.

All that said = I'll keep battling, and hope all of you soon get to a place where you feel you are beating this thing.

Cheers...

Matt

PS - Anyone here tried Valerian as a benzo-alternative? After taking a benzo a couple days ago and then feeling extremely anxious again today I want to look into an alternative. I'm constantly mindful that taking multiple benzos in a week could lead to another addiction. Looking for thoughts on valerian?