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sebastian

Member Since 11 Aug 2004
Offline Last Active Sep 15 2019 01:48 PM
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#438250 Story of sebastian - Part 2

Posted by sebastian on 08 March 2017 - 07:49 PM

Thanks for the replies everyone; though they were a little less optimistic than I was hoping for.  I certainly can't blame anyone for that though.  It's what this disorder does.  As you said, Eddy, it's to the point where I cling to my fives and sixes, and I'm happy to get them.  I feel like my DP has plateaued.  Like, it's pretty much been the same level for years (with somewhat mild variations thrown in from time to time).  While this is good in some respects (those acute nines and tens were utterly terrifying), it's a bitter sweet kind of plateau as I feel like I'm just sort of settling in with my new identity - "giving up", as it were.  As I've been getting older I'm reflecting on how much this disorder has taken from me...how it's reshaped my life, my dreams, and all my expectations down to something that can be packaged up and shipped out along with all the other unremarkable boxes.  I so wistfully remember childhood and youth and all those big dreams I once had, and now I essentially do the same things that you mentioned - avoid stress, maximize pleasure, and try very hard not to think of the crushing reality of what's become of my life.  Never mind the whole question of existence as a whole.  God help me if I slip down that terrifying slope.  I've become someone who loves routine.  I love knowing what to expect.  Quite a romantic, I know.  But part of the problem, really, is that I haven't given up.  And I think that makes it worse, to be honest.  I wish I could find some solace in resigning myself to this way of life, because I think there is some solace to be had there.  If I could somehow avoid this nagging feeling that I'm somehow destined for something great, I could at least take pleasure in going for walks, doing a job well, chipping away at writing novels that don't necessarily have to be some magnum opus.  I now deal with two major issues:  The DP, which is a constant.  And this corollary sensation of missing out on the life I should be experiencing.  And that second one is so emotionally painful that I wake up in cold sweats after having yet another dream of running out of time, etc.  Sigh.  I honestly even wonder that if there were some magical cure that somehow materialized in a lab somewhere, whether I would even be helped by it.  A lot of the questions DP has exposed me to still wouldn't be answered, and I feel like it would be too easy to slip down the rabbit hole again.

Anyway, it's always nice to hear from others who feel the same.  I've missed this board.  Apologies for the late responses, by the way.  I was busy pretending to live.




#345641 Lost in my mind - questioning everything

Posted by sebastian on 09 November 2014 - 09:51 AM

It can damage your mind in the sense that you're creating new neural pathways in how you're thinking about things, the more you think of them.  So, the more you obsess over these thoughts, the more likely you are to continue to obsess over the thoughts.  But the good news with brain elasticity is that it works both ways.  There's no permanence in this "damaging of the mind", as far as I know in any case.  Honestly, the best thing you can do is to absorb yourself in other things...hobbies, books, relationships, whatever.  As difficult, pointless, and phoney as it might seem at first, if you absorb yourself in some other branch of study, you'll find that the DP has less power over you.

 

And as to the ability to carry out your job - one of the trademarks of this disorder is that reality testing remains intact.  You should find this reassuring as it means that you're not actually "crazy", merely a tad messed up right now.  To quote Band of Horses, "if (you're) lost, it's only for a little while".




#345575 Lost in my mind - questioning everything

Posted by sebastian on 08 November 2014 - 11:29 AM

Hi,

 

The first thing you need to remember is that, triteness aside, You are not alone.  Virtually everyone on here has some varying manifestation of what you're currently experiencing.  The forays into meta-cognition may differ slightly but, it's all just caused and perpetuated by the anxiety you're feeling by not being able to wrap your head around these wild, existential thoughts.  You aren't meant to know the specifics of "how you're remembering the words to write" anymore than you're meant to understand nuclear physics right out of the gate.  It all boils down to the anxiety.  If you focus on what you're writing about rather than how you're writing it, you'll find that these thoughts flit out of your mind almost as quickly as they arrived.

 

Good luck!




#62160 LOss of SEX DRIVE

Posted by sebastian on 14 February 2006 - 12:40 PM

sex is overrated


i'm waiting for the punchline.