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Findmywayhome

Member Since 11 Oct 2020
Offline Last Active May 10 2021 11:52 PM
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Topics I've Started

It's been awhile

06 April 2021 - 10:35 PM

It's been three months since I've made a post on this forum, not the longest duration, but considering that I have only been mentally ill for seven months, it is perhaps a long time. 

 

Plenty has changed, to say the least. In late December to early January I underwent a perceptual shift that was more or less positive. I think it may have been the stabilization of the zoloft that gave me the push; I started to feel more indifferent and less aware of my disorder. I began to return to a more normal life. The last three months leading up to this radical change were spent in  my living room. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to leave the house, and I didn't want to look up from my computer screen. I spent the majority of the day sitting on the couch doing mind numbing activities on my laptop, consuming the forums, and enduring the nonstop thoughts and ruminations about my disorder.  

 

In January to late February things were looking up. I spent a lot more time in my room. I felt more independent. The activities I did felt purposeful; I felt more that I was genuinely enjoying what I was doing rather than using it as a way to pass the time. February was my best month since this illness. I had a nice birthday, I genuinely looked forward to hanging with my friends, I had a ton of motivation for school, and my disorder shifted to the background. Nonetheless, my DPDR was present the entire time. But because I was so unaware of my illness, and I would spend less than a minute a day thinking about it, the symptoms lessened. It's a testament to the fact that at least for me, DPDR is very placebo-like. Thinking about it makes it a lot worse. I felt hazy, fatigued, disoriented, floaty, and impaired. But these symptoms were elementary compared to what I felt during the first four months when I was constantly thinking about it. 

 

What I learned during this positive period is that I was wrong in thinking I had accepted the disorder. I thought I had already accepted my illness back in september/October, so I was losing my mind over the fact that It kept getting worse. What I completely negated during the time though, was how much I thought about it. I would write fucking novels on here about my illness, I thought about it constantly, I didn't FEEL anxiety sure, but the thoughts were reminiscent of anxious thinking. Low and behold, as I stopped ruminating about it, my disorder stopped getting worse. 

 

That is until now. These past three weeks I feel like I am slowly getting worse and worse DPDR. The worse I've ever felt. Ive started thinking about it more too, hence why Im back on here. If I had to guess why; I think it is because I have added a lot to my life. I skateboard and go to the gym everyday, Im doing school, etc. etc. I think I am getting burnt out from all the mental and physical strain of these activities. It isn't the first time a more productive lifestyle has made illness worse.

 

 

I am not exactly sure why I wrote this post. Things have gotten worse again, I guess I just wanna commiserate on here again. I also want to see if anyone can relate to this; At this point, I can see myself living with this illness with the rest of my life, and that's OK for now. I don't mind feeling how I felt in January to February. I don't mind feeling spaced out, out of body, things feeling distant, etc. But what I hate is this confused feeling that is hard to explain. I'm careful to relate this to the existential fears and ruminations that one might have with this disorder, because it isn't a thought, its a feeling. I guess it's like I can't ground myself in the fact that I am suffering through a mental disorder, that I am mentally ill. And it's not just that life feels unreal, but my very perception of it is fundementally absurd/ paradoxical. I know intellectually that I am mentally ill, but I want to feel with every fiber of my body the fact of, "I don't recognize myself in the mirror because I am depersonalized" but I can't feel that, I can't associate with being mentally ill. And I wonder if the only difference here is severity. Has anyone felt this way? and has the feeling gone away?

 

Hope everyone is doing okay.


emotional amnesia

01 January 2021 - 11:25 PM

Ever since I developed this disorder I've always been relentlessly attempting to articulate any new symptom or feeling that came to my attention. The nature of my dissociation was always so complex and overwhelming to me I felt that if I could put it into words I would be "above" it. These past few weeks I have pretty much given up on trying to understand it. Instead I have just been constantly distracting myself. The amount of my day spent ruminating about my disorder is at an all time low now, and it's certainly helped, but admittedly not as much as I thought it would. 

 

With all that said, a phrase popped up in my mind today that I felt was the perfect way to summarize how I experience DPDR, and that's "emotional amnesia"

 

When my symptoms become particularly apparent, I think to myself, "I have completely forgotten who I am," "I don't know who my family is," "I don't know what my life is" But its like, of course I know who I am. I know my name, I know how old I am, I know where I was born and raised, and I know what my current situation is. I haven't forgotten anything. But, the emotional part of me has. I no longer feel an enriching connection to my own life. I know my name, but hearing someone say it no longer carries that familiar essence that it used to. I realized that the "veil" is only blocking my emotions, not my ability to intellectually understand and process the world. 

 

In a lot of ways brains are analogous to computers. I fear that perhaps the dissociation is overwriting the data of my previous life, thus it is eternally irretrievable; I have permanently lost my connection to life. Although the fact that so many people have recovered from this should be proof that isn't true, but I don't know.


Anyone else feel like they are disappearing?

31 December 2020 - 06:15 PM

I've done a decent job at staying off this forum. But im back to share what Ive been going through recently to see if anyone can relate.

 

I think ive said something like this before, but it feels like the continuity of my life is being constantly disrupted. It doesn't feel as if time is "flowing" seemlessly as it should. It feels like I am perpetually fading in and out of every moment. And it's not that I am "forgetting" the past moments that lead to the present so much as I'm losing connection with them

 

Ive always had the symptom of, when something happens, immediately after it occurs its like I can't believe it just happened. But now I think where it's different is the present moment itself doesn't even feel like it's happening in real time. It's like there is no such thing as the present, past, and future. 

 

I honestly think the best way to describe this is that of living in a dream. When you dream you aren't really cognizant of the concept of time. Dreams are this spontaneous happening of events, with no clear continuity, no clear story, and no clear objective existence beyond itself. Thats basically what it feels like. Effectively it has made me forgotten who I am or what my life is. 

 

anyone relate?

 


Anyone else feel like they are being reborn?

19 December 2020 - 03:51 PM

I think its the common symptom of unfamiliarity to its greatest degree. It's definitely at its greatest when I'm interacting with my family. It's not just that they feel unfamiliar, its like I've completely forgotten who they are. Every single event that lead them to where they are right now is lost within my mind, there's no continuity. I feel like every person has an inner story of their life that exists within their head. It allows them to maintain a continuous sense of identity and association with their own life. I feel like the pages of my story have been ripped out. I get shivers down my spine when my parents use my name, or they bring up something from the past. Its like, who are these people? Why do they assert to know me? Why do I live with them? How do they know what my life was like in the past? 

 

At its core it feels like I have forgotten the continuity of my existence. I feel like the human experience is this super delicate illusion, and I have shattered the glass walls that I didn't even know were there in the first place, I seem to be outside of it now, I hate to be dramatic, but that's what it feels like.

 

So, it feels like I have been arbitrarily incarnated into my life, there's no real past. no real future, and no real present. I seem unfamiliar to myself, and my whole life, my story is gone. Does anyone else have this?

 

 

Another thing. Lately Ive been able to distract myself really well. This past week I have been playing video games-- sometimes with my friends-- for virtually the whole day. When im not im probably on my laptop or my phone. Theres not a second during my day where I am not staring at a screen. But, it actually helps a shit ton, I can get super immersed and forget about it, but as soon as I look away from my screen for even a second, all the dissociative bullshit comes right back. 

 

So I ask, is this constant distraction with screens gonna be destructive in the long run? 

 

 


Seriously. Three months since this has all started and its still getting worse

06 December 2020 - 04:44 PM

I promise this is my last rant about the progression of my disorder. I need to get some things off my chest.

 

Went to play hockey with my friends yesterday, overall certainly was better and more enjoyable then not doing anything at all, so that's good. However, it seems that whenever I go out to do something there is a 50/50 chance it gets more or less permanently worse. This time i got the unlucky side of the coin.  as soon as I stepped outside my car my reality turned into a movie screen. It literally felt like I was watching myself tie my own skates, and nothing was happening in real time; it was all a projection. I got home and things settled a little. But sure enough, I woke up today and things got worse.

 

I feel like my soul is gone. no sense of self. it feels weirdly innapropiate or absurd to inhabit the body im in. Fuck, I cant even calm myself down because there is hardly any "me" anymore. I feel that if my parents got replaced with strangers their wouldn't be a difference in how I perceive them. Everything, including the entirety of my past is all unfamiliar to me. Whenever I look at the world It terrifies me

 

 

I hate how negative this all sounds so I guess I will discuss the few positives surrounding this:

 

I want to say that while my disorder is getting worse, it does so less often now. I remember in the first month or so it would make a huge jump every five days or so, but now when it does get worse it's only slightly, and it only does maybe every 7-10 days. And there was even a period of two whole week where I was completely unbothered by my depersonalization (but still bothered by my DR). Although that was a while ago. And these past few weeks my DP has came back to torture me. 

 

In the month of November, there were weeks where I've actually felt really good. I could wake up and actually look forward to the day, do things I genuinely enjoy, be productive, and it even felt like my DPDR was getting somewhat better, I hope those days can come back. 

 

Im just scared that this will become a life long struggle. I know I'm not doing myself any favours by writing about it, but Im frustrated and miserable right now. Im going to do my best to stop ruminating about this disorder and hopefully that can put a stop this progression. If im still getting worse six months from now its like fuck, what the hell do I do now?