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Findmywayhome

Member Since 11 Oct 2020
Offline Last Active Yesterday, 08:02 PM
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Topics I've Started

emotional amnesia

01 January 2021 - 11:25 PM

Ever since I developed this disorder I've always been relentlessly attempting to articulate any new symptom or feeling that came to my attention. The nature of my dissociation was always so complex and overwhelming to me I felt that if I could put it into words I would be "above" it. These past few weeks I have pretty much given up on trying to understand it. Instead I have just been constantly distracting myself. The amount of my day spent ruminating about my disorder is at an all time low now, and it's certainly helped, but admittedly not as much as I thought it would. 

 

With all that said, a phrase popped up in my mind today that I felt was the perfect way to summarize how I experience DPDR, and that's "emotional amnesia"

 

When my symptoms become particularly apparent, I think to myself, "I have completely forgotten who I am," "I don't know who my family is," "I don't know what my life is" But its like, of course I know who I am. I know my name, I know how old I am, I know where I was born and raised, and I know what my current situation is. I haven't forgotten anything. But, the emotional part of me has. I no longer feel an enriching connection to my own life. I know my name, but hearing someone say it no longer carries that familiar essence that it used to. I realized that the "veil" is only blocking my emotions, not my ability to intellectually understand and process the world. 

 

In a lot of ways brains are analogous to computers. I fear that perhaps the dissociation is overwriting the data of my previous life, thus it is eternally irretrievable; I have permanently lost my connection to life. Although the fact that so many people have recovered from this should be proof that isn't true, but I don't know.


Anyone else feel like they are disappearing?

31 December 2020 - 06:15 PM

I've done a decent job at staying off this forum. But im back to share what Ive been going through recently to see if anyone can relate.

 

I think ive said something like this before, but it feels like the continuity of my life is being constantly disrupted. It doesn't feel as if time is "flowing" seemlessly as it should. It feels like I am perpetually fading in and out of every moment. And it's not that I am "forgetting" the past moments that lead to the present so much as I'm losing connection with them

 

Ive always had the symptom of, when something happens, immediately after it occurs its like I can't believe it just happened. But now I think where it's different is the present moment itself doesn't even feel like it's happening in real time. It's like there is no such thing as the present, past, and future. 

 

I honestly think the best way to describe this is that of living in a dream. When you dream you aren't really cognizant of the concept of time. Dreams are this spontaneous happening of events, with no clear continuity, no clear story, and no clear objective existence beyond itself. Thats basically what it feels like. Effectively it has made me forgotten who I am or what my life is. 

 

anyone relate?

 


Anyone else feel like they are being reborn?

19 December 2020 - 03:51 PM

I think its the common symptom of unfamiliarity to its greatest degree. It's definitely at its greatest when I'm interacting with my family. It's not just that they feel unfamiliar, its like I've completely forgotten who they are. Every single event that lead them to where they are right now is lost within my mind, there's no continuity. I feel like every person has an inner story of their life that exists within their head. It allows them to maintain a continuous sense of identity and association with their own life. I feel like the pages of my story have been ripped out. I get shivers down my spine when my parents use my name, or they bring up something from the past. Its like, who are these people? Why do they assert to know me? Why do I live with them? How do they know what my life was like in the past? 

 

At its core it feels like I have forgotten the continuity of my existence. I feel like the human experience is this super delicate illusion, and I have shattered the glass walls that I didn't even know were there in the first place, I seem to be outside of it now, I hate to be dramatic, but that's what it feels like.

 

So, it feels like I have been arbitrarily incarnated into my life, there's no real past. no real future, and no real present. I seem unfamiliar to myself, and my whole life, my story is gone. Does anyone else have this?

 

 

Another thing. Lately Ive been able to distract myself really well. This past week I have been playing video games-- sometimes with my friends-- for virtually the whole day. When im not im probably on my laptop or my phone. Theres not a second during my day where I am not staring at a screen. But, it actually helps a shit ton, I can get super immersed and forget about it, but as soon as I look away from my screen for even a second, all the dissociative bullshit comes right back. 

 

So I ask, is this constant distraction with screens gonna be destructive in the long run? 

 

 


Seriously. Three months since this has all started and its still getting worse

06 December 2020 - 04:44 PM

I promise this is my last rant about the progression of my disorder. I need to get some things off my chest.

 

Went to play hockey with my friends yesterday, overall certainly was better and more enjoyable then not doing anything at all, so that's good. However, it seems that whenever I go out to do something there is a 50/50 chance it gets more or less permanently worse. This time i got the unlucky side of the coin.  as soon as I stepped outside my car my reality turned into a movie screen. It literally felt like I was watching myself tie my own skates, and nothing was happening in real time; it was all a projection. I got home and things settled a little. But sure enough, I woke up today and things got worse.

 

I feel like my soul is gone. no sense of self. it feels weirdly innapropiate or absurd to inhabit the body im in. Fuck, I cant even calm myself down because there is hardly any "me" anymore. I feel that if my parents got replaced with strangers their wouldn't be a difference in how I perceive them. Everything, including the entirety of my past is all unfamiliar to me. Whenever I look at the world It terrifies me

 

 

I hate how negative this all sounds so I guess I will discuss the few positives surrounding this:

 

I want to say that while my disorder is getting worse, it does so less often now. I remember in the first month or so it would make a huge jump every five days or so, but now when it does get worse it's only slightly, and it only does maybe every 7-10 days. And there was even a period of two whole week where I was completely unbothered by my depersonalization (but still bothered by my DR). Although that was a while ago. And these past few weeks my DP has came back to torture me. 

 

In the month of November, there were weeks where I've actually felt really good. I could wake up and actually look forward to the day, do things I genuinely enjoy, be productive, and it even felt like my DPDR was getting somewhat better, I hope those days can come back. 

 

Im just scared that this will become a life long struggle. I know I'm not doing myself any favours by writing about it, but Im frustrated and miserable right now. Im going to do my best to stop ruminating about this disorder and hopefully that can put a stop this progression. If im still getting worse six months from now its like fuck, what the hell do I do now?


Difference in DPDR cases where medication has helped vs not

02 December 2020 - 03:51 PM

I may have put this on the wrong section. I am not contributing research but rather asking a question. I apologize to the moderators if this is the wrong category lol. 

 

I've read a post that virtually every case of DPDR has the exact same neurological underpinning. I wonder, how could this be true if some treatments work for some people while others don't? Perhaps I am looking at this too simplistically. Perhaps just because their is a homologous neurological representation of the disorder doesn't explain that the brain will respond to treatments the same way. I don't know.

 

I am aware that there are no approved medications for treating DPDR. However, I have read countless cases where SSRI's, opiate antagonists, and other pharmaceuticals have drastically improved or even cured the DPDR itself. 

 

I'm inquiring if anyone knows if there is any scientific knowledge on how medication- specifically SSRI's, can treat some cases of DPDR where in other cases it doesn't do anything.