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Member Since 11 Oct 2020
Offline Last Active Apr 12 2021 08:52 PM

#628264 Where is everyone from?

Posted by Findmywayhome on 09 January 2021 - 04:26 PM

Im from a modest town in central Alberta, Canada. But ive currently been living on Jupiter these past few months ever since this all started

#628082 emotional amnesia

Posted by Findmywayhome on 01 January 2021 - 11:25 PM

Ever since I developed this disorder I've always been relentlessly attempting to articulate any new symptom or feeling that came to my attention. The nature of my dissociation was always so complex and overwhelming to me I felt that if I could put it into words I would be "above" it. These past few weeks I have pretty much given up on trying to understand it. Instead I have just been constantly distracting myself. The amount of my day spent ruminating about my disorder is at an all time low now, and it's certainly helped, but admittedly not as much as I thought it would. 


With all that said, a phrase popped up in my mind today that I felt was the perfect way to summarize how I experience DPDR, and that's "emotional amnesia"


When my symptoms become particularly apparent, I think to myself, "I have completely forgotten who I am," "I don't know who my family is," "I don't know what my life is" But its like, of course I know who I am. I know my name, I know how old I am, I know where I was born and raised, and I know what my current situation is. I haven't forgotten anything. But, the emotional part of me has. I no longer feel an enriching connection to my own life. I know my name, but hearing someone say it no longer carries that familiar essence that it used to. I realized that the "veil" is only blocking my emotions, not my ability to intellectually understand and process the world. 


In a lot of ways brains are analogous to computers. I fear that perhaps the dissociation is overwriting the data of my previous life, thus it is eternally irretrievable; I have permanently lost my connection to life. Although the fact that so many people have recovered from this should be proof that isn't true, but I don't know.

#628034 Anyone else feel like they are disappearing?

Posted by Findmywayhome on 31 December 2020 - 06:15 PM

I've done a decent job at staying off this forum. But im back to share what Ive been going through recently to see if anyone can relate.


I think ive said something like this before, but it feels like the continuity of my life is being constantly disrupted. It doesn't feel as if time is "flowing" seemlessly as it should. It feels like I am perpetually fading in and out of every moment. And it's not that I am "forgetting" the past moments that lead to the present so much as I'm losing connection with them


Ive always had the symptom of, when something happens, immediately after it occurs its like I can't believe it just happened. But now I think where it's different is the present moment itself doesn't even feel like it's happening in real time. It's like there is no such thing as the present, past, and future. 


I honestly think the best way to describe this is that of living in a dream. When you dream you aren't really cognizant of the concept of time. Dreams are this spontaneous happening of events, with no clear continuity, no clear story, and no clear objective existence beyond itself. Thats basically what it feels like. Effectively it has made me forgotten who I am or what my life is. 


anyone relate?


#627986 this forum was a couple of years ago much more positive

Posted by Findmywayhome on 27 December 2020 - 02:04 PM

From a moderator's perspective, you aren't seeing all the trolls we took care of back then.

What exactly do you mean by "trolls"? What kind of person would waste their time messing with people on a depersonalization website?

#627982 DPDR since august 2017

Posted by Findmywayhome on 27 December 2020 - 01:56 PM

Thanks for sharing :) First of all I just want to say I totally relate to that fear of disappearing completely from existence one day. It's comforting to know that a lot of people struggle with this idea. I often wonder if this is what dying feels like, aside from the physiological aspect. 


I sound like a broken record at this point, but I am very interested in mid to long term cases of DPDR. Everyone talks about recovery, but no one seems to explicitly talk about how exactly they live with DPDR for long stretches of time. As someone who is mere months into this, I want to gain some perspective. I have some questions:


First off how old are you? Do you think you suffer from de PERSONALIZATION and de REALIZATION? or is it just one or the other? Do you still deal with anxiety? If so, is it a symptom of your DPDR? Have you developed any degree of peace or solace in your life--however fleeting-- in these past few years with your DPDR? Do you still have hobbies, interests, friends, etc? 


All the best

#627816 Dreams

Posted by Findmywayhome on 20 December 2020 - 02:20 PM

I've definitely noticed a change, but not exactly how you described it. Dreams are weird on their own, but I feel like mine are so much more weirder now. Like fever dreams on steroids. I dream about people, things or places I haven't thought about in years. and sometimes I dream about DPDR. I feel like I am dreaming about amalgamations of my past a lot, like I am subconsciously longing for the time before my disorder. 


Also, there's always this overarching sense of uneasiness in my dreams. Like this unpleasant, persistent aura like something is absurdly wrong, or their is some obscure threat that I can only sense and not see. 


I wonder if anyone else experiences this. You know how sometimes right after you wake up you still think what happened in your dream is what happened in reality? Well now my dreams feel almost as real as reality. So when I wake up I'm virtually convinced what happened in my dreams are reality for a good thirty seconds. And dreams seem to have a bigger impact on my emotions, like every time I wake up I feel like I watched a super impactful movie.

#627688 What is worse than, to have this disorder for 50 years?

Posted by Findmywayhome on 13 December 2020 - 08:50 PM

To have it as a degenerative disorder.

#627644 New to Blank Mind, Need some encouragement.

Posted by Findmywayhome on 12 December 2020 - 04:04 PM

Hi guys, I’m new to dpselfhelp and am feeling desperate. Let me give a little backstory.

I’m 25 yrs old now, and when I was 17 i did acid/smoked weed with a few not-so-good people. the trip itself wasn’t necessarily bad, but when i woke up the next day I felt like i was in a dream. i also realized i wasn’t having any thoughts. I was unable to daydream or see anything with my minds eye, which before I was an EXTREMELY visual thinker. This triggered my very first panic attack/psychotic episode. I felt like my brain broke, and suddenly i felt nothing. For years after this i suffered from panic attacks and depersonalization episodes, but i started to get better up until about 2 months ago. I was doing great actually. my panic attacks were basically gone, and i felt grounded in myself. But then i started working overtime on top of being a college student, and i’m assuming this caused my current blank state. It happened almost the same way. Except this time i went out drinking with some friends, and the next day i woke up and my mind was blank.

I’m feeling extremely suicidal because of this. I went through SO much the past 8 yrs getting over my depersonalization, and now this. I just feel like i can’t take it anymore. I know some people have recovered from blank mind, but i worry that it’s different for me. I can’t help but feel hopeless. A i guess i’m coming on here to hopefully hear some of your recovery stories. And if you haven’t recovered, at least tell me how you manage to stay alive. Give me hope, please.

What is your evidence that you are different from the people who have recovered from blank mind? Also, you recovered from it before, what makes you think you won't again?


I've read posts on here about people who have recovered from seemingly unsurmountable things. Blank mind is certainly no exception.


Personally, I haven't recovered. In fact Im very new to this. Im 16 and I got it three months ago after a bout of depression and anxiety. I feel like my case is DPDR in its purest form. What I mean by that is I hardly have any comorbid symptoms. My depression could be a lot worse, my anxiety is minimal for the most part, and my cognitive impairment isn't too bad either. For me, I just have super severe dissociation. Of course I think it is severe compared to other cases, but I could be wrong. 


Ultimately this disorder has just made me become super lazy and anti social. It physically pains me to talk to my family because they feel so damn unfamiliar. And looking at the world is still quite scary. Other than that though, I live I guess. Sometimes I wake up and I just don't wanna open my eyes, but I get on with the day and I survive. What keeps me going is the hope that one day my DPDR won't bother me anymore, or even better it goes away. 


Each second that you are alive you are winning the battle. Just keep pushing and you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel again. Best of luck

#627538 Some thoughts/vent

Posted by Findmywayhome on 08 December 2020 - 07:22 PM

I was exactly where you were just two days ago. I pulled through.


Are you sure it has actually gotten worse or is it your anxiety telling you that? If it really has, that doesn't mean anything, it'll get better. 


I am amazed by the humans will to live. Its like, three months ago I thought if I had this my whole life I would kill myself. Now, its 10x worse but I really don't believe in suicide anymore. Of course I have my moments, but I wanna live damnit! Don't underestimate the human spirits ability to carry on. There are people of this world who have kissed the face of hell and have risen back to the surface. This may all sound like some hocus pocus bullshit, but it's really not. At the end, that's all there is: The human spirit and adversity, as long as you are living you are winning the fight.

#627536 Some thoughts/vent

Posted by Findmywayhome on 08 December 2020 - 07:16 PM

 Don't throw in the towel until you have

tried ECT.  

I mean, I wouldn't throw in the towel AT ALL. But sure lol. 



If the entirety of the medical field had to provide evidence for the effectiveness of their technology and research; you would be the perfect candidate. Its like your brain is perfectly engineered to respond to any form of treatment. You respond to medication, ECT, and you had the form of epilepsy that can be detected by EEG's. 


I don't mean any offence by the way. I just think its extraordinary how the medical field had the answers to virtually all your problems

#627490 10 Years of Chronic Dp/Dr; 23 year old recovering heroin addict

Posted by Findmywayhome on 07 December 2020 - 04:02 PM

You're still here? haha

Unfortunately yes 

#627488 Does really distracting you from the feelings/thougts from DP cure it?

Posted by Findmywayhome on 07 December 2020 - 03:07 PM

You seem to assume that I'm squirming in anguish from my "DPDR" on a daily basis. This isn't the case. I don't give a damn about it at the moment, for example.

Hey Im super late to the party. But wow, this debate was something else. The argument that unfolded on this thread is emblematic of the argument that unfolds within my mind when I ponder this disorder. I think you both make great points. I know this was made two months ago, but I have to address this quote:


PerfectFifth, wouldn't you argue that considering you, "don't give a damn" about your DPD that in some sense you have overcame your disorder? I assume you applied the method of moving on with your life and that has lead you to a state of indifference to your disorder. Now I know technically the symptoms never went away--not even a bit, but doesn't your situation support the idea of accepting and moving on with ones life will benefit them?


Personally, I am currently more or less squirming in anguish everyday because of my DPD. I fear my own consciousness, and I am terrified that my mind will degenerate to the point where it is ultimately deffective. I have accepted the possibility that my DPD might more or less stay with me for the rest of my life. So-- and I am no way undermining what you are going through-- I sincerely desire to be in the state that you are in; indifferent. Your DPD may have not gotten better, but YOU have gotten better, that seems like an accomplishment in my book; a lot of people are chronically debilitated from this disorder. 


I like the quote from the Truman Show, "We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented" and this sort of makes me understand how I might be able to accept this disorder like you have, but it has to stabilize. 

#627342 No sense of self

Posted by Findmywayhome on 03 December 2020 - 02:48 PM

Yeah. You know whats so funny about what caused it for me; its completely normal. Most teens feel inadequate, depressed, friendless, unaccepted, its all part of growing up. It's my hyper-sensitive-hyper-analytical mind that conflated it into a non stop identity crisis. Id pace back and forth in my room for hours, pondering every little moment and every little facet of my little life. Thinking, what went wrong? Can I be better? Did I already fuck it all up? The part that killed me the most was, for a period of time I couldn't even tell why I was unhappy anymore. I couldn't even pin point what I even wanted to feel better. It wasn't until the months leading up to my disorder that I looked inwards at myself deeper than I ever have before. And I could finally understand to some degree what was fucking me up, and it was basically all the things I listed earlier, but the overarching theme was simply feeling inadequate- a nobody. For the longest time I guess I thought feeling like a nobody was a symptom of whatever was making me sad. But I eventually realized feeling like a nobody was the exact reason. The single greatest thing Ive gotten out of this disorder is I now know what I need to do to be happier; stop thinking, stop worrying, accept your reality, and live. And it's quite curious how that is the exact same thing that people say is the way to recover... kind of poetic, dont you think? I've just now realized that what I just wrote isn't really relevant to your reply at all, um whoops. 


I can agree, but I feel like it putting it under the same term I feel undermines what other people went through I guess. But yeah, at the time I remember thinking to myself, this is by far the worst Ive ever felt in my entire life. It was hell. But now I am battling a whole new monster.  


You know its funny that you mention that, I for one am a sucker for coming of age films, it honestly makes me feel like a girl hahaha. But when you put it like that honestly you're right; they do over romanticize the shit out of the teenage experience. I think the reason why I like them so much is an extension of feeling like my life is dull and boring. What we do when we watch movies we are essentially imagining as if we were experiencing what the characters in the movie do. So I am essentially fantasizing the romantic experience of a coming of age movie to over compensate for my lack of a fruitful life. 


Damn, do I ever relate to that. I feel like every day I spend in this state is another opportunity wasted of trying to have a meaningful teenage experience to look back on. Now I feel like when I look back it this time in my life I wont feel nostalgic but rather feel shivers run down my spine. But yeah, I hope I can make up for it in my 20's I guess. 


Its okay. It's not new to me. My DPDR has been getting worse ever since it started three months ago. I have hope that it will stabilize tho, I mean if it doesn't then thats rad. 

#627238 No sense of self

Posted by Findmywayhome on 30 November 2020 - 08:10 PM

Going to keep this brief.


I know a detachment from the self is a common symptom of DP. But I kinda feel like I don't even exist anymore. I literally can't tell. I feel like I am just experiencing everything consciously, emotionally, and somatically, but their is no "me" that is experiencing it, its just my brain. Its terrifying. Most people seem to say that DR bothers them more than DP. I definitely disagree, It's easier for me to acclimate to DR then DP. A loss of self is so much more threatening to me then my surroundings looking fuzzy.


Just wondering if anyone can relate to feeling like there is no actual person inside their brain. 

#627120 No thoughts-

Posted by Findmywayhome on 25 November 2020 - 01:35 PM

Besides the blank mind, I relate to this deeply. I try to search my mind but I can't seem to find where the "me" is. I'm not absent of thoughts, but I feel like the "self" got the volume turned down. Thinking feels like trying to hear yourself speaking when your standing right beside a rocket launch. 


But yes, your right, no thoughts is caused the same way DPDR is caused. Your brain is trying to protect yourself from the anxiety caused by the existential thoughts by shutting down your cognition completely, but by no means will it be shut down forever!


Hang in there. You'll be okay.