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Member Since 11 Oct 2020
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#629100 No sense of self

Posted by Findmywayhome on 27 February 2021 - 11:52 PM

I guess my DP doesn’t peak just when I’m going to bed. It’s anytime I spend alone, from 1am-3am when I can’t sleep, or when I have to study and be alone, or even just going and getting something from my room in the middle of the day. It doesn’t really have anything to do with how I feel or my anxiety, it just happens for no reason which makes me feel like I have no control over it whatsoever. I feel like there no reason to keep trying to feel better, because it’s literally like I’m living someone else’s life everyday. There’s no “me” at all, it’s freaking me out a lot.

But I do agree with everything you’re saying! I think you’ve figured out a really good way to feel better with the DP (or at least moving towards a normal-ish life). And as I said, that’s what I’ve been trying to do and it works really well, until 5 days have passed and I’ve restricted my feelings for too long. And I know that going on as usual doesn’t exactly mean “ignoring your feelings”. But to me spontaneity is to not think and just do, and that’s why I end up with all the thoughts later. I’ve found that Monday-Thursday is alright, but when Friday hits I’m panicking again. Idk maybe it’s just me overthinking a lot. Maybe it takes some time getting used to, like I have with the DR. I just feel like I’m consumed by anxiety, like that’s literally all I am.

I used to have that same problem. Having to go to my room, take a shower, take out the trash, or do anything that isolates me with my thoughts would be the most painful part of my day. But now--I can't really say how it happened at this point-- but I underwent a huge shift and now being alone in my room makes me feel the most safe. 


The first few months with my DPDR was very turbulent compared to now, I'm more or less at a deadlock with my illness, of course not completely, there's still a bit of a mental fight going on. Like I feel like I have multiple modes of thinking and perceiving that I shift in and out of. Like right now, as I read the words that described how you are freaked out because it feels like there is no "you" I felt very comforted because I have the exact same problem, but then I think, "why should I feel comforted? I literally don't even exist, human emotions are absurd, none of this is real" and the DPDR feelings set in. I feel like DPDR is drowning me in this horrible state of perception and I am just trying to keep my head above the surface, thankfully these past few months the waters have seemed to calm down. 


But yeah, like I mentioned before, I feel like I have sunken into my brain, I don't feel outwardly present, and I don't feel like a unified self within my brain. As I write these words, it's so hard to connect to them, but I know intellectually that's whats going on. I just feel so damn confused, my life is so damn confusing. I feel like there is a huge part of "me" that is being blocked off from experience. Like my consciousness has been shifted away from myself, and I am experienced a greyer world with no sense of self. I can't believe that the eyes I am seeing this screen with are mine. It's so confusing and I don't know how I can understand it

#629000 Repeated scenes in life (not déja-vue)

Posted by Findmywayhome on 19 February 2021 - 08:14 PM

Ah I see. My guess would be your ocd is related to it, but take that with a grain of salt of course.

I don’t know any websites unfortunately. Id advise you see a psychiatrist or some sort of clinician that can assess and diagnose you. Are you seeing a therapist currently?

There is a person on this site by the name of aha’s shadow. It would be inappropriate of me to speak on his behalf, but based on what I read, he deals with weird numerical coincidences like you, and he believes he lives in an alternate reality, something like that. For some reason nothing shows up when you search his name. But if you scroll down far enough in the discussion feed to a post titled “how can any of this possibly be real?” (Posted sometime in late november) you can find his account maybe PM him if youd like

#628988 Guys I have been gone for a long time. I will confess that I've returned...

Posted by Findmywayhome on 18 February 2021 - 10:08 PM

No matter how good of a sleep I get (which is never that great) I feel so fatigued. Everything feels sluggish, including myself. I also feel overstimulated all the time, which in turn makes me feel more tired. DPDR is fucked too of course. I feel like im blind but not at the same time, like im only seeing things computationally; but I dont “feel” what im seeing. And hearing is so weird. Sounds seem as obscure and transient as thoughts. I feel cognitively debilitated too.

#628986 Repeated scenes in life (not déja-vue)

Posted by Findmywayhome on 18 February 2021 - 10:00 PM


Ive read a fair share of people on here who have very similar experiences to you.

Im not an expert, so id first advise that explain your problems to a professional so they can properly assess you. But, my guess is you suffer from something OCD related, of course I could very well be wrong. But just know that other people are out there who are going through the same thing, hopefully that quells aby isolation you have with your problems.

#628964 Does anyone feel like DP is impossible to explain?

Posted by Findmywayhome on 15 February 2021 - 09:07 PM

JoMe, that's an amazing description of this disorder, at least I think so because that is literally EXACTLY how I feel. 


although what Im about to say may indirectly contradict what I just said lol.


In response to the OP, yes. I don't think its impossible per se, but it is excruciatingly difficult to put into words. It seems clear to me that DPDR is probably THE most subjectively experienced mental illness and the one in which words are the LEAST effective t in describing it. I also wouldn't be surprised if it's the most misdiagnosed disorder too. Putting symptoms into words is such a subjective process especially when it comes to this disorder (there's the aforementioned contradiction). I think my experience is a testament to that, here's simply why: My disorder in the third month compared to the third week was RADICALLY worse, (it stopped getting worse in January thank god)  but what's fascinating is, If I never experienced the change, I could describe the disorder with the same language now that I used back then. I read my old posts describing my symptoms in great detail, and based on that alone, it's like nothing has changed since then, my description still applies, but I know for a fact it has changed unbelievably since. 

#628924 Is this going towards recovery???

Posted by Findmywayhome on 12 February 2021 - 11:52 PM

Needless to say, it seems like you are going through a very hard time in your life without a doubt, and then quitting smoking on top of that certainly doesn’t help.

I am by no means an expert on mental illness, but the way I see it— based on all my research, is this; the onset of mental illness is caused primarily by two factors; external adversity, and a genetic predisposition to certain mental illnesses. Everyone has varying degrees of genetic vulnerability to illness, and varying degrees of external adversity. One could be relatively mentally strong, but if they have to face a huge wave of unremitting adversity or trauma in there life then they can very well fall mentally ill. On the contrary, if one is mentally weak, it wouldn’t take much external adversity for them to become mentally ill, if anything at all. I posit that mental illness as a result of genetic vulnerability may be tougher to get out of, (of course its never impossible) because genetics are more immutable and chronic. Mental illness caused by external circumstance on the other hand, may be just as severe, but I believe it is likely more temporary, and easier to get out of.

This is all to say, I think your mentall illness is a result of external circumstance. And I feel if you can rectify the external forces causing your suffering in life, your mental illness can begin remission. And im not just saying this, I genuinely believe this. I hope perhaps this can give you some hope and optimism. Because I really believe this will be a temporary problem in your life, not a lifelong struggle.

#628886 My DP recovery paradox

Posted by Findmywayhome on 11 February 2021 - 11:34 PM

Didnt want to hear anything in particular, just the truth, so I appreciate that.

Yeah, I remember reading a post on here which postulated that almost all cases of DP have an underlying psychotic element, but often times its not severe enough to be considered as its own symptom of psychosis. Which is also why I think schizophrenia and OCD are considerably related to dissociation. I think I get what the post means. Recently ive been struggling with the thought of, am I still dreaming? I had this horrible dream about a week ago where I must of had like four or five false awakenings. I remember I dreamt that I woke up and everything felt so vivid (as in it resembled my waking state, obviously things arent vivid in DP) and I was absolutely convinced I was awake. Since then, im constantly questioning if im even awake, Or if I ever have been, its so bizarre that these extremely absurd thoughts actually scare me.

Have you ever seeker psychological or pharmaceutical treatment for your self described insanity?

#628880 Is this going towards recovery???

Posted by Findmywayhome on 11 February 2021 - 06:56 PM

First of all I can relate ALOT when it comes to your symptoms. Like my emotions are barely inhibited but at the same time I dont feel a connection to them, its weird.

So what Ive gathered is youve only been dissociated for three weeks? That is a super short time period, there is a lot of flexibility in ykur state and therefore theres a good chance you can bring yourself out of it. On the same token, in the early stages it feels super novel so that will compel the sufferer to be constantly hyper aware from their illness and feel a lot of negative emotions because of its presence. Ive had this for almost six months now, and In the first two months I remember thinking that I already accepted it, but couldn’t be farther from the truth. I feel as though now I can finally say that ive accepted it quite a bit, I use to ramble endlessly on this forum about my disorder, constantly reality checking, all that shit, but now its just a constant ache that doesnt go away, and it still sucks, but not as much as it used to I guess.

So point is, do not be concerned about your compulsion to immediately bring the disorder back by thinking about it when you feel as if you are getting better, that is completely normal in the first three weeks. Just be patient, eventually that obsession will fade, at least for me it did.

One other thing. Seems like yours is heavily anxiety and stress related, I would honestly guess you dont even have primary depersonalization but rather secondary, which is a far less serious, and more temporary form. So I would seek therapy and maybee medication to treat anxiety. Best of luck

#628732 My DP recovery paradox

Posted by Findmywayhome on 06 February 2021 - 11:49 PM

Are you constantly thinking about your condition? You might be, even if you don’t think so. Sometimes I forget that my constant search of figuring out what’s wrong with me is whats causing my DP. I have a proposal for this, and no it’s not a magical cure or secret to recovery. That doesn’t exist. My proposal is a kind of paradox, because I believe to stop DP is to stop searching for answers to stop it. Stop living in it. But since this is technically an ‘answer’ in itself, it’s pretty contradictory. But that’s ok because you don’t use it like you would as an answer to a question. You use it as a realization to move forward. Now, learning more about DP and browsing this forum is fine. As long as you aren’t doing it for the CAUSE of stopping it. It’s your motivation that matters (in your mind) for stopping this horrible condition. I love all of you even if I don’t know you, because I actually have real sympathy. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Good day everyone
Now I would like to note that none of this is an easy feat to accomplish. If it were we’d all be out of it by now. A real shift in mind and deleting obsession takes time.

Absolutely love this. Paradoxically, recovery posts give me anxiety. They all outline these rigorous methods and techniques that they assert one has to commit to for months or often times years. To me that just seems like one is submitting themself into a lifelong war with the disorder. I don’t want to see this as a fight. I want to learn to live with it. So that’s what I’ve been doing, but I can’t deny that I secretly wish that living as if nothing is wrong will actually cure me from the disorder, not just allow me to adapt to it. I don’t know, things are complicated. I cant say im severely miserable from this anymore, just perpetually confused, and still unable to grasp the fact that my entire perception of myself and existence has been turned upside down and set on fire within these past months.

#628492 Why does life feel so weird?

Posted by Findmywayhome on 22 January 2021 - 01:14 AM

Unfortunately I cant say that im out of this. But I just want to be another person to let you know you are not alone. I relate to every word you typed. My existential symptoms are more emphasized on the intra-personal aspect; like you said, the idea of consciousness and being able to move your body and experience things somatically seems terrifyingly absurd. I deal with this thought that I am dead in the freudian sense. That there is no “me” left and im just a brain experiencing and behaving computationally. I became more or less obsessed with the idea of the “self” where exactly is the “person” that exists within a body? What thoughts, actions, and emotions stem from the “person” and not the brain?

What Ive learned though. Is that these thoughts simply don’t matter. They don’t need to. I may not know what this whole existence thing is, but I know one damn thing for sure; each and every one of us wants to keep existing as long and fruitfully as possible. Underneath all this existential terror, emotions still feel great. In a way, this dissociation has given me a weird appreciation for life. Its like I am no longer desensitized to living itself. And Life suddenly feels like this newfound thing, with so much potential. The prospect of being able to experience things suddenly seems like this precious, beautiful opportunity. DPDR hasn’t completely stopped us from experiencing life, it is mostly the fear and the misery. I can still manage to reap some enjoyment out of everyday life, and I feel like being able to do that is anyones ticket out of this existential gauntlet of a disorder. I hope one day I will be able to experience life to its fullest extent again some day, but until then, accept the thoughts, and keep living despite it all; we were built to live.

#628280 It’s getting really bad

Posted by Findmywayhome on 09 January 2021 - 09:16 PM

unfortunately, although i recovered once 100% from all the various symptoms of dpdr, i can not grasp and induce this idea to my mind. the idea of „this time its very different, and this is a sign for it wont be better“ is so powerful. i can not change this thinking.

Yeah I get that, but not all thoughts are reality. What I've come to learn is that a part of DPDR is a lot of neurotic thinking. I honestly think people who get DPDR are predisposed to being neurotic in the first place. Various people have recovered from anhedonia/blank mind and so on. It's entirely possible.

#628264 Where is everyone from?

Posted by Findmywayhome on 09 January 2021 - 04:26 PM

Im from a modest town in central Alberta, Canada. But ive currently been living on Jupiter these past few months ever since this all started

#628082 emotional amnesia

Posted by Findmywayhome on 01 January 2021 - 11:25 PM

Ever since I developed this disorder I've always been relentlessly attempting to articulate any new symptom or feeling that came to my attention. The nature of my dissociation was always so complex and overwhelming to me I felt that if I could put it into words I would be "above" it. These past few weeks I have pretty much given up on trying to understand it. Instead I have just been constantly distracting myself. The amount of my day spent ruminating about my disorder is at an all time low now, and it's certainly helped, but admittedly not as much as I thought it would. 


With all that said, a phrase popped up in my mind today that I felt was the perfect way to summarize how I experience DPDR, and that's "emotional amnesia"


When my symptoms become particularly apparent, I think to myself, "I have completely forgotten who I am," "I don't know who my family is," "I don't know what my life is" But its like, of course I know who I am. I know my name, I know how old I am, I know where I was born and raised, and I know what my current situation is. I haven't forgotten anything. But, the emotional part of me has. I no longer feel an enriching connection to my own life. I know my name, but hearing someone say it no longer carries that familiar essence that it used to. I realized that the "veil" is only blocking my emotions, not my ability to intellectually understand and process the world. 


In a lot of ways brains are analogous to computers. I fear that perhaps the dissociation is overwriting the data of my previous life, thus it is eternally irretrievable; I have permanently lost my connection to life. Although the fact that so many people have recovered from this should be proof that isn't true, but I don't know.

#628034 Anyone else feel like they are disappearing?

Posted by Findmywayhome on 31 December 2020 - 06:15 PM

I've done a decent job at staying off this forum. But im back to share what Ive been going through recently to see if anyone can relate.


I think ive said something like this before, but it feels like the continuity of my life is being constantly disrupted. It doesn't feel as if time is "flowing" seemlessly as it should. It feels like I am perpetually fading in and out of every moment. And it's not that I am "forgetting" the past moments that lead to the present so much as I'm losing connection with them


Ive always had the symptom of, when something happens, immediately after it occurs its like I can't believe it just happened. But now I think where it's different is the present moment itself doesn't even feel like it's happening in real time. It's like there is no such thing as the present, past, and future. 


I honestly think the best way to describe this is that of living in a dream. When you dream you aren't really cognizant of the concept of time. Dreams are this spontaneous happening of events, with no clear continuity, no clear story, and no clear objective existence beyond itself. Thats basically what it feels like. Effectively it has made me forgotten who I am or what my life is. 


anyone relate?


#627986 this forum was a couple of years ago much more positive

Posted by Findmywayhome on 27 December 2020 - 02:04 PM

From a moderator's perspective, you aren't seeing all the trolls we took care of back then.

What exactly do you mean by "trolls"? What kind of person would waste their time messing with people on a depersonalization website?