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FindmywayhomeMember Since 11 Oct 2020
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Posted by Findmywayhome on 04 May 2021 - 10:41 PM
Posted by Findmywayhome on 07 April 2021 - 10:21 PM
But it’s like now I’m not so much freaked out about it because I don’t know what I feel towards it. I have a feeling of depersonalisation but not so much any feelings or thoughts towards it, and I’m not being able to recognise it.
... At the same time it sucks to have that empty feeling that you’ve almost sort of “turned into” the depersonalisation. At least that’s what I’m feeling right now.
Yes! That's exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm gone, and I have been fully consumed by the DPDR, I feel as though I can't recover because there is no "me" that even exists to recover. And I can't be scared to it, because it's like there isn't a part of me that can even fully process it.
I don't have anhedonia whatsoever, which im greatful for, but it's weird. I can experience emotions, but yet I feel like I don't even exist. I simply feel like there is no self, only consciousness. The idea of it just seems so permanent. Like the part of my brain that6 enforces my existence and feelings of connection is shut down forever. Like I have psychologically died.
EDIT: this sounds way more dark than I wanted it to be. For the most part I am ok, I still do feel like there is a tiny tiny part of me left.
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Posted by Findmywayhome on 07 April 2021 - 10:15 PM
In response to AnnaGuila, I absolutely feel as though my ability to deal with my disorder is sort of 'rhythmic'. It's like 10-14 day periods of feeling fine, sometimes even getting to the point of feeling like my symptoms have lessened. and then I fall back into a pit of misery and feeling like my disorder got worse. rinse and repeat. I have certainly noticed this, and it helps me to stay positive in that I can understand that it's evident my times of misery are temporary, so thank you for reaffirming that. I will say though this time just feels different, as I was doing okay for almost two months, not ten days. Idk.
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Posted by Findmywayhome on 06 April 2021 - 10:35 PM
It's been three months since I've made a post on this forum, not the longest duration, but considering that I have only been mentally ill for seven months, it is perhaps a long time.
Plenty has changed, to say the least. In late December to early January I underwent a perceptual shift that was more or less positive. I think it may have been the stabilization of the zoloft that gave me the push; I started to feel more indifferent and less aware of my disorder. I began to return to a more normal life. The last three months leading up to this radical change were spent in my living room. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to leave the house, and I didn't want to look up from my computer screen. I spent the majority of the day sitting on the couch doing mind numbing activities on my laptop, consuming the forums, and enduring the nonstop thoughts and ruminations about my disorder.
In January to late February things were looking up. I spent a lot more time in my room. I felt more independent. The activities I did felt purposeful; I felt more that I was genuinely enjoying what I was doing rather than using it as a way to pass the time. February was my best month since this illness. I had a nice birthday, I genuinely looked forward to hanging with my friends, I had a ton of motivation for school, and my disorder shifted to the background. Nonetheless, my DPDR was present the entire time. But because I was so unaware of my illness, and I would spend less than a minute a day thinking about it, the symptoms lessened. It's a testament to the fact that at least for me, DPDR is very placebo-like. Thinking about it makes it a lot worse. I felt hazy, fatigued, disoriented, floaty, and impaired. But these symptoms were elementary compared to what I felt during the first four months when I was constantly thinking about it.
What I learned during this positive period is that I was wrong in thinking I had accepted the disorder. I thought I had already accepted my illness back in september/October, so I was losing my mind over the fact that It kept getting worse. What I completely negated during the time though, was how much I thought about it. I would write fucking novels on here about my illness, I thought about it constantly, I didn't FEEL anxiety sure, but the thoughts were reminiscent of anxious thinking. Low and behold, as I stopped ruminating about it, my disorder stopped getting worse.
That is until now. These past three weeks I feel like I am slowly getting worse and worse DPDR. The worse I've ever felt. Ive started thinking about it more too, hence why Im back on here. If I had to guess why; I think it is because I have added a lot to my life. I skateboard and go to the gym everyday, Im doing school, etc. etc. I think I am getting burnt out from all the mental and physical strain of these activities. It isn't the first time a more productive lifestyle has made illness worse.
I am not exactly sure why I wrote this post. Things have gotten worse again, I guess I just wanna commiserate on here again. I also want to see if anyone can relate to this; At this point, I can see myself living with this illness with the rest of my life, and that's OK for now. I don't mind feeling how I felt in January to February. I don't mind feeling spaced out, out of body, things feeling distant, etc. But what I hate is this confused feeling that is hard to explain. I'm careful to relate this to the existential fears and ruminations that one might have with this disorder, because it isn't a thought, its a feeling. I guess it's like I can't ground myself in the fact that I am suffering through a mental disorder, that I am mentally ill. And it's not just that life feels unreal, but my very perception of it is fundementally absurd/ paradoxical. I know intellectually that I am mentally ill, but I want to feel with every fiber of my body the fact of, "I don't recognize myself in the mirror because I am depersonalized" but I can't feel that, I can't associate with being mentally ill. And I wonder if the only difference here is severity. Has anyone felt this way? and has the feeling gone away?
Hope everyone is doing okay.
Posted by Findmywayhome on 30 March 2021 - 11:15 AM
It took me so long to realize that I was in fact contributing to it getting worse a whole lot. During the period I would always question why it got worse because I was doing everything “right”, I ate good, slept good, distracted myself, was productive, etc etc. But what I didn’t take into account was how much I ruminated on it. I can’t stress this enough; the rumination was non stop, overthinking on top of overthinking, writing entire essays on this forum everyday explaining my struggle. I laugh at it now, I truly didn’t realize how much I was obsessed over it, and that was more than likely why it kept getting worse. In December, I started to change, I lived my life a little more normally, I felt more relaxed, I stopped obsessing and counting the days of how long I had this illness. Eventually I started to become unaware of the progression of my DPDR, low and behold, it actually started to stop getting worse.
This is all to say, try and see if there is a possible reason for why your DPDR leeps getting worse. My guess is the ampunt of medication youve taken. I would honestly recommend to stop meds all together, allow your body to recover, and go from there. Best of luck.
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Posted by Findmywayhome on 27 February 2021 - 11:52 PM
I guess my DP doesn’t peak just when I’m going to bed. It’s anytime I spend alone, from 1am-3am when I can’t sleep, or when I have to study and be alone, or even just going and getting something from my room in the middle of the day. It doesn’t really have anything to do with how I feel or my anxiety, it just happens for no reason which makes me feel like I have no control over it whatsoever. I feel like there no reason to keep trying to feel better, because it’s literally like I’m living someone else’s life everyday. There’s no “me” at all, it’s freaking me out a lot.
But I do agree with everything you’re saying! I think you’ve figured out a really good way to feel better with the DP (or at least moving towards a normal-ish life). And as I said, that’s what I’ve been trying to do and it works really well, until 5 days have passed and I’ve restricted my feelings for too long. And I know that going on as usual doesn’t exactly mean “ignoring your feelings”. But to me spontaneity is to not think and just do, and that’s why I end up with all the thoughts later. I’ve found that Monday-Thursday is alright, but when Friday hits I’m panicking again. Idk maybe it’s just me overthinking a lot. Maybe it takes some time getting used to, like I have with the DR. I just feel like I’m consumed by anxiety, like that’s literally all I am.
I used to have that same problem. Having to go to my room, take a shower, take out the trash, or do anything that isolates me with my thoughts would be the most painful part of my day. But now--I can't really say how it happened at this point-- but I underwent a huge shift and now being alone in my room makes me feel the most safe.
The first few months with my DPDR was very turbulent compared to now, I'm more or less at a deadlock with my illness, of course not completely, there's still a bit of a mental fight going on. Like I feel like I have multiple modes of thinking and perceiving that I shift in and out of. Like right now, as I read the words that described how you are freaked out because it feels like there is no "you" I felt very comforted because I have the exact same problem, but then I think, "why should I feel comforted? I literally don't even exist, human emotions are absurd, none of this is real" and the DPDR feelings set in. I feel like DPDR is drowning me in this horrible state of perception and I am just trying to keep my head above the surface, thankfully these past few months the waters have seemed to calm down.
But yeah, like I mentioned before, I feel like I have sunken into my brain, I don't feel outwardly present, and I don't feel like a unified self within my brain. As I write these words, it's so hard to connect to them, but I know intellectually that's whats going on. I just feel so damn confused, my life is so damn confusing. I feel like there is a huge part of "me" that is being blocked off from experience. Like my consciousness has been shifted away from myself, and I am experienced a greyer world with no sense of self. I can't believe that the eyes I am seeing this screen with are mine. It's so confusing and I don't know how I can understand it
Posted by Findmywayhome on 19 February 2021 - 08:14 PM
I don’t know any websites unfortunately. Id advise you see a psychiatrist or some sort of clinician that can assess and diagnose you. Are you seeing a therapist currently?
There is a person on this site by the name of aha’s shadow. It would be inappropriate of me to speak on his behalf, but based on what I read, he deals with weird numerical coincidences like you, and he believes he lives in an alternate reality, something like that. For some reason nothing shows up when you search his name. But if you scroll down far enough in the discussion feed to a post titled “how can any of this possibly be real?” (Posted sometime in late november) you can find his account maybe PM him if youd like
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Posted by Findmywayhome on 18 February 2021 - 10:08 PM
No matter how good of a sleep I get (which is never that great) I feel so fatigued. Everything feels sluggish, including myself. I also feel overstimulated all the time, which in turn makes me feel more tired. DPDR is fucked too of course. I feel like im blind but not at the same time, like im only seeing things computationally; but I dont “feel” what im seeing. And hearing is so weird. Sounds seem as obscure and transient as thoughts. I feel cognitively debilitated too.
Posted by Findmywayhome on 18 February 2021 - 10:00 PM
Ive read a fair share of people on here who have very similar experiences to you.
Im not an expert, so id first advise that explain your problems to a professional so they can properly assess you. But, my guess is you suffer from something OCD related, of course I could very well be wrong. But just know that other people are out there who are going through the same thing, hopefully that quells aby isolation you have with your problems.
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Posted by Findmywayhome on 15 February 2021 - 09:07 PM
JoMe, that's an amazing description of this disorder, at least I think so because that is literally EXACTLY how I feel.
although what Im about to say may indirectly contradict what I just said lol.
In response to the OP, yes. I don't think its impossible per se, but it is excruciatingly difficult to put into words. It seems clear to me that DPDR is probably THE most subjectively experienced mental illness and the one in which words are the LEAST effective t in describing it. I also wouldn't be surprised if it's the most misdiagnosed disorder too. Putting symptoms into words is such a subjective process especially when it comes to this disorder (there's the aforementioned contradiction). I think my experience is a testament to that, here's simply why: My disorder in the third month compared to the third week was RADICALLY worse, (it stopped getting worse in January thank god) but what's fascinating is, If I never experienced the change, I could describe the disorder with the same language now that I used back then. I read my old posts describing my symptoms in great detail, and based on that alone, it's like nothing has changed since then, my description still applies, but I know for a fact it has changed unbelievably since.
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Posted by Findmywayhome on 12 February 2021 - 11:52 PM
I am by no means an expert on mental illness, but the way I see it— based on all my research, is this; the onset of mental illness is caused primarily by two factors; external adversity, and a genetic predisposition to certain mental illnesses. Everyone has varying degrees of genetic vulnerability to illness, and varying degrees of external adversity. One could be relatively mentally strong, but if they have to face a huge wave of unremitting adversity or trauma in there life then they can very well fall mentally ill. On the contrary, if one is mentally weak, it wouldn’t take much external adversity for them to become mentally ill, if anything at all. I posit that mental illness as a result of genetic vulnerability may be tougher to get out of, (of course its never impossible) because genetics are more immutable and chronic. Mental illness caused by external circumstance on the other hand, may be just as severe, but I believe it is likely more temporary, and easier to get out of.
This is all to say, I think your mentall illness is a result of external circumstance. And I feel if you can rectify the external forces causing your suffering in life, your mental illness can begin remission. And im not just saying this, I genuinely believe this. I hope perhaps this can give you some hope and optimism. Because I really believe this will be a temporary problem in your life, not a lifelong struggle.
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Posted by Findmywayhome on 11 February 2021 - 11:34 PM
Yeah, I remember reading a post on here which postulated that almost all cases of DP have an underlying psychotic element, but often times its not severe enough to be considered as its own symptom of psychosis. Which is also why I think schizophrenia and OCD are considerably related to dissociation. I think I get what the post means. Recently ive been struggling with the thought of, am I still dreaming? I had this horrible dream about a week ago where I must of had like four or five false awakenings. I remember I dreamt that I woke up and everything felt so vivid (as in it resembled my waking state, obviously things arent vivid in DP) and I was absolutely convinced I was awake. Since then, im constantly questioning if im even awake, Or if I ever have been, its so bizarre that these extremely absurd thoughts actually scare me.
Have you ever seeker psychological or pharmaceutical treatment for your self described insanity?
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Posted by Findmywayhome on 11 February 2021 - 06:56 PM
So what Ive gathered is youve only been dissociated for three weeks? That is a super short time period, there is a lot of flexibility in ykur state and therefore theres a good chance you can bring yourself out of it. On the same token, in the early stages it feels super novel so that will compel the sufferer to be constantly hyper aware from their illness and feel a lot of negative emotions because of its presence. Ive had this for almost six months now, and In the first two months I remember thinking that I already accepted it, but couldn’t be farther from the truth. I feel as though now I can finally say that ive accepted it quite a bit, I use to ramble endlessly on this forum about my disorder, constantly reality checking, all that shit, but now its just a constant ache that doesnt go away, and it still sucks, but not as much as it used to I guess.
So point is, do not be concerned about your compulsion to immediately bring the disorder back by thinking about it when you feel as if you are getting better, that is completely normal in the first three weeks. Just be patient, eventually that obsession will fade, at least for me it did.
One other thing. Seems like yours is heavily anxiety and stress related, I would honestly guess you dont even have primary depersonalization but rather secondary, which is a far less serious, and more temporary form. So I would seek therapy and maybee medication to treat anxiety. Best of luck
Posted by Findmywayhome on 06 February 2021 - 11:49 PM
Absolutely love this. Paradoxically, recovery posts give me anxiety. They all outline these rigorous methods and techniques that they assert one has to commit to for months or often times years. To me that just seems like one is submitting themself into a lifelong war with the disorder. I don’t want to see this as a fight. I want to learn to live with it. So that’s what I’ve been doing, but I can’t deny that I secretly wish that living as if nothing is wrong will actually cure me from the disorder, not just allow me to adapt to it. I don’t know, things are complicated. I cant say im severely miserable from this anymore, just perpetually confused, and still unable to grasp the fact that my entire perception of myself and existence has been turned upside down and set on fire within these past months.
Are you constantly thinking about your condition? You might be, even if you don’t think so. Sometimes I forget that my constant search of figuring out what’s wrong with me is whats causing my DP. I have a proposal for this, and no it’s not a magical cure or secret to recovery. That doesn’t exist. My proposal is a kind of paradox, because I believe to stop DP is to stop searching for answers to stop it. Stop living in it. But since this is technically an ‘answer’ in itself, it’s pretty contradictory. But that’s ok because you don’t use it like you would as an answer to a question. You use it as a realization to move forward. Now, learning more about DP and browsing this forum is fine. As long as you aren’t doing it for the CAUSE of stopping it. It’s your motivation that matters (in your mind) for stopping this horrible condition. I love all of you even if I don’t know you, because I actually have real sympathy. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Good day everyone
Now I would like to note that none of this is an easy feat to accomplish. If it were we’d all be out of it by now. A real shift in mind and deleting obsession takes time.
Posted by Findmywayhome on 22 January 2021 - 01:14 AM
What Ive learned though. Is that these thoughts simply don’t matter. They don’t need to. I may not know what this whole existence thing is, but I know one damn thing for sure; each and every one of us wants to keep existing as long and fruitfully as possible. Underneath all this existential terror, emotions still feel great. In a way, this dissociation has given me a weird appreciation for life. Its like I am no longer desensitized to living itself. And Life suddenly feels like this newfound thing, with so much potential. The prospect of being able to experience things suddenly seems like this precious, beautiful opportunity. DPDR hasn’t completely stopped us from experiencing life, it is mostly the fear and the misery. I can still manage to reap some enjoyment out of everyday life, and I feel like being able to do that is anyones ticket out of this existential gauntlet of a disorder. I hope one day I will be able to experience life to its fullest extent again some day, but until then, accept the thoughts, and keep living despite it all; we were built to live.
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