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soonwillgone

Member Since 14 Sep 2020
Offline Last Active Yesterday, 07:40 AM
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Topics I've Started

MY SAD FATE from SoonWillGone

14 September 2020 - 06:02 AM

Back in 2015, I was in university, I have a failed relationship and also in academic. This situation leads me to a very anxious state. The feeling of anxious does not go away for weeks, until one day, I saw a group of my friend smoking joint, I never tried it and I heard good things about weed and how it can release stress. Unfortunately after a few desperate of hit, I got hit with a bad trip, my vision went tunnel crazy, sound and voices sounded echos, it was a my first drug bad trip and I never want to experience it again. A few days I was somewhat doing fine, until 3 days, my perception started to change, slowly I was developing a dissociative disorder called depersonalization/derealization.
 
 But trust me, that only thing that freaked me out was I do not know what is going on until I researched it and came across the clinical term. I was basically good and able to cope with it, I even find this moment to be very significant memorable, I can hold a job, I can laugh with friend, I can drive or ride a motorcycle. Basically what I'm saying is I can function and I was finally able to feel 99% myself again.
 
Unfortunately on late may 2020, I started to feel panicky, and my perception started to change again.. At first I thought it was a mild relapse, but I was so wrong, this time it was more severe. I get a never ending panic attack that somewhat hurts me so much, I get weird brain sensation that can even sometime makes me feel like it was about to explode. This never goes away and the dissociation started to get very bad that I started to not able to feel joy or appreciate things.
I cannot continue to live like this, I am more detached than my previous experience and my brain and body won't stop getting pain sensation. I was prescribed with ativan & escitalopram and I still was not able to function even in the slightest. If I was not taken seriously again, I shall say.. Adios to the world it was not a fun ride because I can't attach to my previous fun memorable memory anymore and have forgotten how happy actually feels like.
 
I have not came across people who have constant panic attack that lead to their demise. Every people that I saw sharing their experience with so called "Severe panic attack" was able to function. What in the actual fuck is happening to me? Why can't I function like them? Why can't my anxiety/panic attack go away like at all? Those people had their mercy and was able to socialize, is this a neurological condition? I was not in intense stress when this condition first occurred.