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lost235

Member Since 13 Sep 2020
Offline Last Active Today, 06:58 PM
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Posts I've Made

In Topic: No sense of self

Today, 01:03 PM

I used to have that same problem. Having to go to my room, take a shower, take out the trash, or do anything that isolates me with my thoughts would be the most painful part of my day. But now--I can't really say how it happened at this point-- but I underwent a huge shift and now being alone in my room makes me feel the most safe.

The first few months with my DPDR was very turbulent compared to now, I'm more or less at a deadlock with my illness, of course not completely, there's still a bit of a mental fight going on. Like I feel like I have multiple modes of thinking and perceiving that I shift in and out of. Like right now, as I read the words that described how you are freaked out because it feels like there is no "you" I felt very comforted because I have the exact same problem, but then I think, "why should I feel comforted? I literally don't even exist, human emotions are absurd, none of this is real" and the DPDR feelings set in. I feel like DPDR is drowning me in this horrible state of perception and I am just trying to keep my head above the surface, thankfully these past few months the waters have seemed to calm down.

But yeah, like I mentioned before, I feel like I have sunken into my brain, I don't feel outwardly present, and I don't feel like a unified self within my brain. As I write these words, it's so hard to connect to them, but I know intellectually that's whats going on. I just feel so damn confused, my life is so damn confusing. I feel like there is a huge part of "me" that is being blocked off from experience. Like my consciousness has been shifted away from myself, and I am experienced a greyer world with no sense of self. I can't believe that the eyes I am seeing this screen with are mine. It's so confusing and I don't know how I can understand it

Yeah that’s exactly how I feel! I’m still very uncomfortable doing things alone and being with my thoughts, but at the same time I feel equally as uncomfortable being in social settings. It sucks because I was finally getting used to the DR, and I was at the point where I felt like it might be okay again, then the DP came and now I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been.

And it’s like I can’t even calm myself down because I don’t even know what it is I’m calming down. The best way I would describe how I feel is that my thoughts, body and identity/memories have separated and I’m stuck in between them trying to make sense of everything. Sorry if this triggered you in any way, just wanted to let you know that I do relate a lot to basically everything you’re describing so I get what you mean. Must say though I’m pretty relieved that I’m not the only one experiencing this, I thought I was going crazy for a while. Still I’m sorry you feel this way:/

The good thing is, I think I’ve hit rock bottom now too. I seriously doubt that it could get any worse. So I do think that’s a good sign! That’s the thing to hold onto in this kind of situation I guess.

In Topic: No sense of self

Yesterday, 06:17 PM

Yeah I experience that too. My DP is at it's worst during the five minutes I spend getting ready for bed; that's when im at my most fatigued and burnt out. That's really good that spending time with your parents helps! Family is very important with these kind of things.

I guess id have to respectfully disagree. I don't think what I define as spontaneity is the same as ignoring the problem the whole day. I think it is a form of remembering the mode of being that existed before DPDR. I think that is essentially what recovery is; the first step is remembering how one used to live their life before DPDR, and then living as close to that as possible. Initially, it is only an intellectual memory with no clear feeling, but I believe over time it can allow one to repair the bridges inside their mind that were burnt down by DPDR. This process will allow one to get back in touch with emotion, and then to hopefully feel integrated within themself.

For me, it has seemed to work. I don't do any mindfulness or grounding exercises, or journaling, or any form of trying to directly address and combat the DP, I just live as much as I can, and since then, my DPDR hasn't gotten better admittedly, but it's stopped getting worse, and it sure as hell doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

I guess my DP doesn’t peak just when I’m going to bed. It’s anytime I spend alone, from 1am-3am when I can’t sleep, or when I have to study and be alone, or even just going and getting something from my room in the middle of the day. It doesn’t really have anything to do with how I feel or my anxiety, it just happens for no reason which makes me feel like I have no control over it whatsoever. I feel like there no reason to keep trying to feel better, because it’s literally like I’m living someone else’s life everyday. There’s no “me” at all, it’s freaking me out a lot.

But I do agree with everything you’re saying! I think you’ve figured out a really good way to feel better with the DP (or at least moving towards a normal-ish life). And as I said, that’s what I’ve been trying to do and it works really well, until 5 days have passed and I’ve restricted my feelings for too long. And I know that going on as usual doesn’t exactly mean “ignoring your feelings”. But to me spontaneity is to not think and just do, and that’s why I end up with all the thoughts later. I’ve found that Monday-Thursday is alright, but when Friday hits I’m panicking again. Idk maybe it’s just me overthinking a lot. Maybe it takes some time getting used to, like I have with the DR. I just feel like I’m consumed by anxiety, like that’s literally all I am.

In Topic: No sense of self

Yesterday, 03:29 AM

Hey lost.

The only thing I can say somewhat alleviates the feeling of nonexistence is spontaneity. What I mean is, try to lose yourself in the present as much as you can. For me, this primarily consists of talking with my friends, playing video games, going on my phone, listening to music, etc. For some reason talking to or even being in the mere presence of my parents makes my DP so much worse, I haven't figured out why, I wonder if you can relate?

I know you didn't ask for this, but I am kind of intrigued by the reason why I think my advice works at least for me. I think that before DP, one isn't hyper aware or even aware at all of their existence. They don't perceive themselves as a distinct entity operating a person that interacts with the physical world. Rather, without DP, one is only aware of the experience of reality itself; they are not aware that they are a person experiencing it. So, to have spontaneity, means to only be aware of the experience itself, and it inhibits the hyperawareness of being a person. I truly think that, in day to day life, a person without DP forgets that they exist. And that's why you hear about the pop culture phenomenon of, when you suddenly remember that you infact are a distinct being, existing in a physical world, you feel that dissociative feeling. I think it's important to remember how you expeience the world without DPDR, and spontaneity is one way to do that.

Yeah I’ve actually noticed that spontaneity does work quite a bit. But what’s been shitty about that for me is that after I’ve spent the whole day on auto-pilot and being social, I’m even more DPd when I go to my room at the end of the day. If I spend the day not thinking at all, just focusing on doing things, that’s just pushing the problem onto my future self. Is that something you experience too? I’ve spent most of the days this week doing this exact thing, and yesterday I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had. I don’t recognise myself at all, it’s like I’m in someone else’s brain. I don’t recognise my emotions, thoughts, myself, not anything. (I’m also currently sick so that doesn’t help, I feel like I can’t break the dissociation at all. Can’t hear anything, hurts to talk, can’t smell etc. Which makes it super hard to feel present). My parents are actually the only ones who makes it feel kinda better for me, talking to them is the only this that can calm me down somewhat.

And I’ve also thought about what you’re saying, before this no ones ever really that conscious of themselves (I mean I definitely was when it came to how others perceived me and what I said everyday, but it was never like I questioned myself and who I was). But like I said, to me, ignoring the problem throughout the day hasn’t at all worked it’s just made it worse. I’m glad it seems to work for you tho! What you said actually does make total sense. Without DP, you never question yourself as a person, and analyse your whole existence and experience of the world. If you try and stop questioning it maybe living becomes more natural? Idk, I just can’t wait for this to be over (if it ever does go away).

In Topic: No sense of self

23 February 2021 - 05:18 PM

Have you found any way at all to deal with this? I used to think DP wasn’t as bad as DR but it sucks, I’m honestly desperate for some tips at this point, can’t seem to find any.This is exactly how I feel. Do you notice anything that helps?

In Topic: It’s getting really bad

21 February 2021 - 07:32 AM

Hi All,

I’ve been struggling with DP/DR since I was 19 and now I am 36. It’s hasn’t been all bad and would say I am recovered for about 2 years at a time and go into an episode that lasts 6-7 months at a time. Lately this has been getting so bad that I am contemplating taking my own life because I just can’t take it anymore. Some of these symptoms I am not even sure are DP/DR. About 3 months ago I started to feel that scary dreamlike state and decided that I would let it runs it’s coarse. Here is what has been going.

- Can’t concentrate/Can’t focus my eyes.
-I feel confused/ memory is bad.
- When I sleep it feels like a blip in time, so I don’t feel like I’ve slept at all.
- A lot of things sound muffled or “limited” like maximum volume of everything is 5 out of 10.
- Surroundings are familiar, but foreign at the same time.
- A 24 hour day feels like 5 to me, I think I am being generous here.
- No motivation or emotions.
-24/7 anxiety.

Is this even DP/DR?

This is all 24/7 by the way.

I have a psychiatrist set up for this Thursday and a doctor for the next week. I think I will give it another month then start making plans not to be around anymore. Sorry for the negative mood everyone, but this is the worst it’s ever been and it’s been going on since I was 19 (With periods of remission) Anyone else had there symptoms improve after almost 20 years of them being present?


How have you dealt with the sleep-issue? I’ve literally been experiencing the exact same thing. Really relating to everything you’re describing, I truly know how awful it is walking around everyday with a nonstop-feeling of anxiety and weird symptoms (that doesn’t even seem like DPDR). It sucks. Please please please stick around for a little longer, I promise you that it does get better, even when you feel like it’ll never end. Eventually you’ll have a moment of relief, that’s what you have to hold onto. Write down even the tiniest good things that happen and remember that eventually life will be filled with them. It does get better.