Yeah that’s exactly how I feel! I’m still very uncomfortable doing things alone and being with my thoughts, but at the same time I feel equally as uncomfortable being in social settings. It sucks because I was finally getting used to the DR, and I was at the point where I felt like it might be okay again, then the DP came and now I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been.
I used to have that same problem. Having to go to my room, take a shower, take out the trash, or do anything that isolates me with my thoughts would be the most painful part of my day. But now--I can't really say how it happened at this point-- but I underwent a huge shift and now being alone in my room makes me feel the most safe.
The first few months with my DPDR was very turbulent compared to now, I'm more or less at a deadlock with my illness, of course not completely, there's still a bit of a mental fight going on. Like I feel like I have multiple modes of thinking and perceiving that I shift in and out of. Like right now, as I read the words that described how you are freaked out because it feels like there is no "you" I felt very comforted because I have the exact same problem, but then I think, "why should I feel comforted? I literally don't even exist, human emotions are absurd, none of this is real" and the DPDR feelings set in. I feel like DPDR is drowning me in this horrible state of perception and I am just trying to keep my head above the surface, thankfully these past few months the waters have seemed to calm down.
But yeah, like I mentioned before, I feel like I have sunken into my brain, I don't feel outwardly present, and I don't feel like a unified self within my brain. As I write these words, it's so hard to connect to them, but I know intellectually that's whats going on. I just feel so damn confused, my life is so damn confusing. I feel like there is a huge part of "me" that is being blocked off from experience. Like my consciousness has been shifted away from myself, and I am experienced a greyer world with no sense of self. I can't believe that the eyes I am seeing this screen with are mine. It's so confusing and I don't know how I can understand it
And it’s like I can’t even calm myself down because I don’t even know what it is I’m calming down. The best way I would describe how I feel is that my thoughts, body and identity/memories have separated and I’m stuck in between them trying to make sense of everything. Sorry if this triggered you in any way, just wanted to let you know that I do relate a lot to basically everything you’re describing so I get what you mean. Must say though I’m pretty relieved that I’m not the only one experiencing this, I thought I was going crazy for a while. Still I’m sorry you feel this way:/
The good thing is, I think I’ve hit rock bottom now too. I seriously doubt that it could get any worse. So I do think that’s a good sign! That’s the thing to hold onto in this kind of situation I guess.