I am completely dead inside, but I am to scared to even drink alcohol. Alcohol helped me so much in the past, but it started to make me worse. And now I have been without alcohol for years. I don't get the same buzz either like before.
That's good to hear. I think if you can manage without it, you're better off. I'm making sure I wait at least 3 days between each drinking session to keep from becoming too dependent on it but I couldn't live totally without it, at least for now. Like I said, it's the only thing which really allows me to loosen up and enjoy life. I suffer really badly from social anxiety when I go out so the alcohol allows me to go out and not care what people think of me. It also makes the DP and any other problems feel less important.
However, I have found that if something triggers me when I am drunk, like I spill a drink (lol) or my bicycle goes wrong or something, this can send me down a spiral of self pitying and full on crying for an hour+ as the alcohol prevents me from controlling my emotions like I normally would. It brings out the grief I keep inside about family members who have died etc. But mostly, alcohol makes me feel happy and carefree, provided nothing triggers me during the drinking session.