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Member Since 01 Jul 2020
Offline Last Active Jan 13 2021 02:21 PM

#628146 my illness will take my very lovely girlfriend from me

Posted by leminaseri on 05 January 2021 - 06:33 AM

this is not fair man. she loves me soo much. she shows me so much love and support. but my illness will take her away from me.. earlier or later.. it doesnt allow me to have a fullfilled life with her.. although i know, i love her so much, there is no inner drive let alone emotions.. sometimes im more sad for her than for me. she finds someone she can love and be happy when she is with him, but this guy is not able to give her what he needs because of this fucked illness..

#627970 Coming on here daily is detrimental to recovery

Posted by leminaseri on 26 December 2020 - 09:04 PM

The way I got my DPDR is because I intentionally separated myself from my emotions and in turn, got DPDR. I'm not from Germany, but I am of German descent and was studying German when I made my account!

its similar to my experience. can i write you a pm?

#627858 i will try next week neuronavigated tms

Posted by leminaseri on 22 December 2020 - 09:23 AM

Best of luck!smile.png

thank you <3

#627854 i will try next week neuronavigated tms

Posted by leminaseri on 22 December 2020 - 09:08 AM


i will try next week neuronavigated tms in istanbul. i want to try all the locations those were related to a response in the studies (rlvpfc, tpj, angular gyrus)

i think 2 sessions per location will be enough to figure out, if i do respond or not.

i will also try the ocd helmet from brainsway because mg said it could work alternatively due to its impact to the anterior cingulate and dorsomedial prefrontal cortex.

i will update you guys.

#627832 anybody have any positives from dp?

Posted by leminaseri on 20 December 2020 - 10:05 PM

One positive that I’ve noticed is that I’m in a way protected from all my bad emotions. Sure dpdr is very very torturing and hard but it keeps me from feeling the thing that triggered it in the first place. I feel myself feeling kind of empty the days the dpdr wears off because I no longer have the “bubble” around me protecting me. It’s like being wrapped in bubble wrap that keeps me from absolutely breaking apart.

i can relate very well

#627798 how do you do handle being hopeless and suicidal because of your dpdr?

Posted by leminaseri on 18 December 2020 - 10:12 PM

the only advice i could give for the suicidality is, you dont know these follow things:

1. you dont know how your life will develop and where you will be in 10 years. i think, with your current mindset, it will stay like now. so you know, where to do the work. do not think through the dp-window. its possible to have a life with dp. but it requires a lot of self work, i think. and let alone the possibility of going better of symptoms and recovery. there are a fuckton of spontaneous recovery stories after decades.

2. you dont know that thing, that will finally help you. you cant really try everything. most people who says here „i tried everything“ lies the fuck. you cannot try everything, there is too much shit. and at least one of them will work for you. so you have to seek. it could be medication, supplements, a kind of therapy or maybe tms. and i just say it again. there are too much things to try. you couldnt try in a single life everything. because with the most things you have to persist for a good time lets say at least 3 months. your life would go over until you could complete „everything“.

3. you dont know, if your life will ends soon without you need doing it yourself. you could become seriously ill, maybe a hard cancer or something. and then, if you are really tired of dp, you can look forward for your death. it could be also a kind of accident.

4. you dont know, if there will be developed a serious treatment for dp. maybe in 30 years. but in my case, i would be 57 years old after 30 years. and fuck that man. i could live a bad granny life. sitting on a blackjack table with a bottle of whiskey. another thing is, you have to work for a good position of life, when the treatment would be developed. no dp doesnt mean great life. i did it once to overcame my dp fully. but my life was still not the greatest. and some of those factors brought me to a severe relapse.

#627520 Hi, Im new. I want to know if this sounds like DP

Posted by leminaseri on 08 December 2020 - 10:18 AM

yes i had have the chatter since 2011. its huge anxiety. when i decreased my anxiety levels, the chatter disappeared. maybe you have not dp. anxiety alone can numb emotions.

#627482 Does really distracting you from the feelings/thougts from DP cure it?

Posted by leminaseri on 07 December 2020 - 08:03 AM

Only the people on here who have experienced chronic incapacitating DP can tell you how literally impossible it is to stop or alter the thinking patterns....

Anybody on here who has managed to "Think" their way out of DP has not had it in its chronic debilitating form....

The obsessive side to chronic DP is relentless and NO amount of positive thinking makes it go away...If that was the case DP wouldnt be an issue in any of our lives and we could just move along as if it never happened....That is simply not the case with this condition in its true chronic form...

Its basically the same as asking a person with schizophrenia to stop listening to the voices they are hearing...

I believe what you have actually experienced is your DP eased off with time...Which often happens for a certain group of sufferers...Of course they falsely believe that certain ways of thinking etc got them out of it...Thats just not the case...Not with true chronic incapacitating DP anyway...You CANNOT think your way out of true chronic DP...

i know you dont come into this forum for 7-8 months but despite? what you mean with „true chronic dp“? it sounds like „yeah man i have the true chronic dp and people who tells: i had dp for 6 years 24/7 and im recovered, no thats not true chronic it was only a delusion of 6 years with 24/7 dp-symptoms.“


edit: it has very much to do with the mindset man. to victimize yourself, and always thinking like „fuck man, my life is fucked, im gonna be fucked for my whole life. im a poor fucked sucker on this earth“ im very sure no one with this mindset will recover. and you said often your medication gave you a relief of 60 percent. well, for science, there is no medication for dp. and for science it shouldnt work for you. why it worked man?

edit2: i had 4 years of TRUE FULL HEAVY SUPER HYPER CHRONIC DP and i did it to recover with not thinking about dp. so its possible. and IM THE ONEBODY who did it with not thinking about dp and no it was not „just a slight form“.

#627458 Seriously. Three months since this has all started and its still getting worse

Posted by leminaseri on 06 December 2020 - 05:01 PM

I promise this is my last rant about the progression of my disorder. I need to get some things off my chest.

Went to play hockey with my friends yesterday, overall certainly was better and more enjoyable then not doing anything at all, so that's good. However, it seems that whenever I go out to do something there is a 50/50 chance it gets more or less permanently worse. This time i got the unlucky side of the coin. as soon as I stepped outside my car my reality turned into a movie screen. It literally felt like I was watching myself tie my own skates, and nothing was happening in real time; it was all a projection. I got home and things settled a little. But sure enough, I woke up today and things got worse.

I feel like my soul is gone. no sense of self. it feels weirdly innapropiate or absurd to inhabit the body im in. Fuck, I cant even calm myself down because there is hardly any "me" anymore. I feel that if my parents got replaced with strangers their wouldn't be a difference in how I perceive them. Everything, including the entirety of my past is all unfamiliar to me. Whenever I look at the world It terrifies me

I hate how negative this all sounds so I guess I will discuss the few positives surrounding this:

I want to say that while my disorder is getting worse, it does so less often now. I remember in the first month or so it would make a huge jump every five days or so, but now when it does get worse it's only slightly, and it only does maybe every 7-10 days. And there was even a period of two whole week where I was completely unbothered by my depersonalization (but still bothered by my DR). Although that was a while ago. And these past few weeks my DP has came back to torture me.

In the month of November, there were weeks where I've actually felt really good. I could wake up and actually look forward to the day, do things I genuinely enjoy, be productive, and it even felt like my DPDR was getting somewhat better, I hope those days can come back.

Im just scared that this will become a life long struggle. I know I'm not doing myself any favours by writing about it, but Im frustrated and miserable right now. Im going to do my best to stop ruminating about this disorder and hopefully that can put a stop this progression. If im still getting worse six months from now its like fuck, what the hell do I do now?

calm down. i have it for 11 months. until 1 month ago i felt also like „it goes worse all the time“. but then i stopped to think and obsess about those factors what let me think „it goes worse“. and since then, i feel my symptoms are stable. it doesnt go worse, its a mix of hyperanalizing and obsessing.

#627408 School

Posted by leminaseri on 05 December 2020 - 05:15 AM

Oh, I see. I once recovered from my DPD without any meds, I just took care of the anxiety in a natural way. Whenever my anxiety started to rise I would just start to think more and more about that specific thought until I don’t feel anxious about it, basically begging for anxiety on purpose. Managing your breathing also helps. If you really believe meds will help you then you can go for it, but just be careful with them, don’t get addicted or anything. Stay healthy! 😄

wow youre so positive. great! i love positive people with this disorder.

#627368 semi blank mind?

Posted by leminaseri on 03 December 2020 - 11:08 PM

Definitely can relate. I feel like Im in quicksand and reality and even my own thoughts are out of my reach. And I also suffer from slight cognitive impairment, Mainly extremely irritating memory loss. It could definitely be a symptom of DPDR. Though im beginning to think that the line between blank mind and DPDR is blurred. Like, the reason why peoples minds become blank is the same reason why we dissociate if I am correct; to protect ourselves from trauma. Also, I think depersonalization can manifest as having no inner monologue. When one has no sense of self they will feel as if there is no agent that is operating the thoughts in their mind--no narration. I still have some semblance of an inner monologue but damn do I feel like I don't exist.

Im curious, did you suffer from any degree of a "blanker" mind in your first episode?

i cant remember that good, i definitely had have brain fog where my thoughts was slowed and it was difficult sometimes to remember recent things those happened. but i cant remember for a case of blank mind. i think actually no. because i was much more intergrated in real life even everything did seemed blurry and dreamlike.

#627314 amps screwed me up

Posted by leminaseri on 02 December 2020 - 07:25 PM

From my experience why it gets worse, is because you allow it getting worse. By contributing focusing on it, being on here 24/7. When I recovered I just went on with my life, despite how hard things were. And yes it got worse due to a break up, and to much screen time etc. Isolating, quitting work etc. That all made it worse. Worst descision was quitting work. Just leave this place, that's what I tell everyone who just got it. You wont find an answer. Your system is overloaded it's telling you, give it rest and the care it needs.Everyone thinks they got the worst case, and to be quite frankly it's impossible to measure. It's very lonely, to be honest. I also think I got it the worst. I have it very very bad. No sense of time and all the other symptoms, but I am not afraid of it anymore. Even this gets "normal". People who got it later in life have a higher chance of recovery, for me it's ingrained in my soul.

very good explanation mate👍🏻 for me quitting work was also on of the main reasons for my relapse.. it gave me so much more time to harm my mind with senseless thoughts and ruminations..

#627312 amps screwed me up

Posted by leminaseri on 02 December 2020 - 07:23 PM

Yeah. Fuck, you're right. You are the third person on this site whos essentially told me to leave. I don't know why the fuck I keep coming back. But I guess I do. I don't come on here to research, or even to read recovery stories for hope, im long past that. I come on here because this site is the only thing that reminds me of reality (which is so ironic). When I write posts about my mental disorder it is the best way that I can regain my sense of self back. It's like im activating the part of me that's still me when I type. Being on this forum I can enjoy the sweet ecstasy of feeling like I still exist- however vaguely. But I have to leave, maybe one day I will find the strength.

I think you're right. It seems that the common age of people on the recovery forums got it in their 20's-30's. Obviously I'm knew to this, but I feel as though the cause of my DPDR is ingrained into my soul. The very way in which I view the world and my place in it almost ensures I feel inadequate, out of control, and worried. Ive tried very hard to look at things differently, but I cant. I have accepted the chance that I won't recover from this disorder- it seems way too severe for that to be possible. But I hope to god things get better.

mate believe me, if you can manage it to not get freaked up by the disorder, if you can manage it to think „okay man, thats dp. nothing more.“ and keep calmness, believe me the things will get much better for you. you are just 17 and your brain is still under development. you have to give your brain the chance to make the development without ruminating/journaling on dp. and just like aridity said, you will never find answers. i said anything similar to you, even if you read all the books on this earth, you will not get an answer.

#627240 No sense of self

Posted by leminaseri on 30 November 2020 - 09:12 PM

a classic and usual symptom of dp. just like you said. and people who recover from dp, recover from that. its the same thing.

i also dont have a sense of self. but i say „shit happens, i dont have a sense of self“. and nothing more. and believe me, like this, it will be much easier to cope. dp is not a thinking disorder, but im sure we can influence the severity with our thinking much. positive or negative.

for me the dp part is worse, because it does impact my topical life very much. my relationship, my passion for music and my hobbies like watching football or playing fifa. i cant feel pleasure. and imagine, if this things would be fixed, it would be 70% recovery for me. the dr part is also annoying as fuck. but no life with dr is worse than one life with dr. and whats taking my life is the dp.

#627212 Percent?

Posted by leminaseri on 28 November 2020 - 05:50 PM

Typically it's viewed as "how they are feeling"

Like I consider myself 85% to 95% recovered.

But it's like, what is that last amount?

When is enough going to be enough?

It's very puzzling if you ask me.

if i could feel love towards my girlfriend, and i could work towards our goals to build a family, i would consider me as 70% recovered. the perceptual symptoms dont bother me that much.

maybe thats a good example