I just feel so off... I don’t feel like myself but I can’t remember myself, I just feel out of it 24/7, I can’t feel my emotions or any connections, I just feel wrong. I don’t know what to do anymore. The anxiety and panic attacks have either gone or I’m just so numb I can’t feel them... I need help, I feel like I’m dead but still have to drag my body through the day... I want comfort and something to make me feel just a little bit better but I have nothing
I feel tired all the time but I never feel rested when I wake up. I can feel my body to an extent but not fully, I can’t feel the processes that happen... I’m scared my life is now over
I just don’t understand how I can get myself out of this. My emotions are completely gone, and I can’t even remember what they feel like to try and bring them back. I have no sense of self, I’m not sure how I’m even alive because I feel nothing, and what I can feel is unfamiliar and uncomfortable, I’m not sure how to get my emotions back or my sense of comfort in how I’m supposed to feel. Can anyone help me? Nothing is familiar, I can’t remember how I used to feel or what those feelings ever felt like... I’m struggling so badly any advice I would appreciate
I feel like a completely different person, like the person I was never existed. My sense of self is gone, I have no idea who she was or where she went. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t even remember how I used to feel before this happened, and it was only 4 months ago. I feel like I have no foundation to work on because I can’t remember what normal feels like, or what I used to feel like. What can I do?
So... I’m now at a bit of a complete loss about what I should do, so I thought I’d sign up here, post my story and see if anyone could give me any advice, help, tips, whatever...
This all started for me at the beginning of February this year, so not exactly that long ago, but it’s progressed so much I feel like I’m going to expire very soon.
My younger brother got sick in December 2019, with what they originally thought was some kind of severe tonsillitis, his throat would swell up, the doctor would give him steroids, swelling would go down etc. This continued until February, where it got much worse, and he went into hospital. He was then biopsied, and diagnosed with a rare type of lymphoma. Around this time, I started to have panic attacks, something I’d never experienced before. I’d dealt with anxiety, but not to this extreme. I began to feel disconnected from the world and from other people in between these panic attacks, not quite recognising my colleagues at work etc, which scared me even more, and resulted in more fear, panic attacks and anxiety. I felt like the world wasn’t real, and like I was dying. I got severe head rushes and felt like I was going to drop through the earth, I would shake uncontrollably, I would try my hardest to suppress the panic, lie down in bed praying for it to be over. I sought out help from a therapist, who I still see, but it didn’t really seem to help. I still felt like myself, but the world didn’t feel real and it really scared me. I couldn’t really feel certain body parts, I had constant brain fog/headaches, tightness in my chest, but I felt like ‘myself’ to a certain extent. It all came to a head when my brother had his first chemo treatment, didn’t take his anti-vomiting tablets and threw up everywhere, very violently. I had the biggest panic attack I’ve ever had, was pacing around my room to try and calm myself but couldn’t, and forced myself to go to sleep because I couldn’t get the panic to stop.
Fast forward a few months. The panic attacks have gone away, at least I can’t feel them if they are still happening. I still get moments of anxiety but it feels different. My brother is almost done his cancer treatment, and they are really optimistic about his complete remission and recovery. I however have only seemed to get worse, and very quickly, so I’m worried about the rate at which this seems to be progressing and I’m rapidly losing hope. The DR aspect of the world physically looking different and distorted and the not recognising my family has gone away to an extent, I logically know where I am, but I can’t really feel connected to it. My family feel more ‘real‘, but the connection is still not there. What concerns me the most, is that I can’t seem to grasp at all that anything is real anymore. I understand it must be, but my reality testing seems to not bring me any relief that I do exist.
I then began to develop what I’m assuming is quite severe DP, and I feel like overnight I woke up, and I couldn’t remember who I was or how I felt at all before this all started at all, which up until that point had given me a small bit of hope that I might recover. I can’t remember how I used to feel at all, so I have no familiarity to anchor me now, my emotions are completely gone, I’ve completely lost my sense of self. No connection to my old life, and I can’t even remember how it felt to live that life. Which I hope makes sense, because I can’t even describe the feeling to myself. Again; logically I know what I used to enjoy, but I don’t know why I enjoyed it, because I feel no emotional connection to it, nor can I seem to understand what emotions it evoked in me, because they are gone. I know my name, my birthday, what I’ve done in my life until now for the most part, but I don’t feel any kind of connection to it at all. It feels like it was done by someone else because I have zero connection to that. I’m so scared, I don’t know what to do anymore. I literally can’t remember how I used to be, feel, interact with the world. I sometimes get moments of pure confusion about how this could happen, and about who I am, but other than that I feel like I’ve died and that there’s no coming back from this. Overnight it seems like I’ve become a new person, but my brain just isn’t working. I literally have no idea what to do. I’m so lost, I can’t remember what reality feels like, what I used to feel like, and it’s only been 4 months and a bit. What can I do? Is there any hope for me? My therapist has me writing thought records and trying not to worry, as from my history she can tell I’m a ‘worrier’, but this I feel goes beyond anxiety. I’ve completely lost connection to everything. I’m not hallucinating or seeing things as far as I know. I just feel like I’m going to die soon, because I don’t know how to bring myself, my emotions, my connection to life, my goals, my essence back.
Thank you if you read all of this. Any advice would be wonderful.