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Member Since 08 Dec 2019
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Clenching my right eye when dissociation hits

09 June 2020 - 12:29 PM

I always automatically clench my right eye when I have a dissociate all of a sudden. Anyone of you have clue what is going on there? Is this normal?

I really could use some help

25 May 2020 - 02:47 PM

Hi community,


I'd like to excuse any mistakes in advance, my English is not the best and I'm a big mess right now .


I'm suffering from diagnosed DPDR since 2014 from a bad mdma trip while totally drunk and blacked out. The onset was two days delayed. It started with the mother of all panic attacks while smoking weed and having a flash back regarding the bad trip.

Ever since live feels different. The first 4 years I was convinced I'd have some kind of drug induced anxiety disorder. I was put on Lexapro and I got my life managed, with the dreadfull feelings always staying in the back and lingering around. There have been bad relapses but they never took longer then a few weeks to subside. I always reached the baseline level of anxiety and dissociation I just talked About, but I was never really happy - live was Always a struggle to some degree. Last year everything changed. I stumbled upon the concept of solipsism, which sent me in an episode of full blown existential OCD for months. That was when I made the connection between my problems and the Depersonalization/Derealization pisorder, because a lot of people who had this problem were on forums and subs about DPDR. Later I got officially diagnosed with DPDR. Even if the solpisism obession lost it's impact over time, I was in a bad constitution. That's why I asked my therapist for a switch in medication. He told me I should try Prozac, as this adresses the OCD component more effective. I thought it was worth a shot. Oh Boy was I wrong. I started 5 days ago and I'm nearly suicidal with panic attacks, anxious rumination and a feeling of unbearable threat. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how I should get through the day.

One of my biggest mental Problems is the never ending search for a ultimative reason. I never was 100% satisfied with the DPDR diagnosis. I have massive bouts of anxiety all the time and I ruminate a lot. Life feels strange ever since all this started back in 2014 but I never left my body or felt like a robot. It more feels like existence and reality made a shift and got very compliacted and alienated. Nothing makes sense anymore. Everything feels like a dream. Everything lacks it's visual quality. I do see like an eagle, but everythin I look at does not make as much sense as before, it's very hard to describe  Sometimes I don't understand how I could live before all that, not asking what all this is I live in. One day I think its OCD I have, the other day GAD and the next day I think its DPDR. Maybe its all three together, but how can one bad trip trigger a whole package of different severe mental disorders. And if this really is the case, I reached the end of the rope because this sounds like a death sentence.

I suffer for 6 years and I'm losing hope. Hope was the only driver, giving me enough energy to go through this all. Without it I have lost.

Sure, it's possibly the medication switch making everything darker then it is right now, but I don't know what to do from here. 

If anyone of you have an advice for me, I'd be very grateful, because I'm just devestated.

Thanks for reading.

Is this really DPDR?

30 December 2019 - 11:01 AM


I have a rough time going on right now and could use some input.
I am going to keep my story short:
I have had anxiety as a child. I just couldn't stand the feeling beeing without my parents. It was the first time I felt so anxious that I couldn't handle it. Fortunately this passed during the years and I was a quite healthy teenager. When I was 21years old (5years ago) I had a bad panic attack from weed and this initiated a very very bad downward spiral. I felt dissociated, anxious and depressed 24/7 sitting in my room crying all the time. I lost my beloved girlfriend because of it but I somehow managed to push through and calm down after a year or so. Up to this point I thought it was all a generalized anxiety disorder and I took lexapro for it. Somehow it kept my problems at bay, but there where always lingering in the back, returning every couple of month. But it was kind of manageable.
6 month ago I browsed through the internet and came upon the concept of solipsism. It's a theory by Descartes saying that nothing except the own consciousness can be proven real. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Since then I am obsessing about the concept of reality, am anxious panicky and dissociated. I just don't know how to handle it. There are a lot of other symptoms I am encountering. I will list a few:
-Anxiety 24/7
-obsessive thoughts about nature of reality, the universe, the human body, consciousness etc.
-brain fog
-bad memory
-feeling off (this one is really hard to describe. It's like the feeling after you just woke up, but you have it all the time)
-health anxiety
-concerns about the future(work, relationship, etc.)
-and a feeling of eternal hopelessness (this is one of the worst)

I came upon a lot of descriptions about DPDR and they all include out of body feelings and feeling a distance between yourself and the outer world. I cannot relate to this. For me it's more like my mind is going crazy and I fear my own existence. It's very hard to explain. Everything I try to do or even think something thoughts like "but what if reality isn't real" pop up. This hurts in so many ways that live seems pointless.
Another point is the emotional numbness. I ain't emotional numb. I feel anxiety all the time, I even cry when things go really bad. I don't feel much joy anymore due to all this but I am far away from beeing emotional numb.

Can any you guys relate? Is this really DPDR?

Thanks for reading my post. I wish you well my friends.