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imsofucked

Member Since 05 Nov 2019
Offline Last Active Oct 26 2020 10:13 PM
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Topics I've Started

For those who have relapsed

19 June 2020 - 02:48 PM

Why does it feel like its a whole different beast with each relapse. New perception of the disorder itself/new symptoms/etc.

 

The first time i got this i made it to about 90% then relapsed from a build up of poor life choices. I thought that was absolutely the worst i had ever felt in my life but when i relapsed again it was like taking on a whole new animal. After about 4 months after the relapsed it felt like i was making decent progress and then one night stupidly i stayed up for 24 hours straight and it sent me completely back to square one even worse. Trying to bring myself up from this second relapse but this one feels more hopeless than any of them before. This time it truly feels like im stuck this way and im having the hardest time feeling like ill ever make it out of this. Before i relapsed this last time i would have pockets where i had sliver of hope. Now it literally just feels like im so stuck and have zero clue what normal feels like.


Feeling like i was just born again every time i wake up ?

31 May 2020 - 05:33 PM

Basically when i have made it to the night before i fall asleep, after a long day of fighting with my brain to keep from losing my sanity; i somehow calm down enough to be able to keep reminding myself that this is just DP/DR im feeling and these thoughts arent reality. Then when i wake up as soon as i wake up, for the first hour or 2 i literally forget the complete meaning of being alive and existence and my mind is in extreme freakout mode trying to recollect myself on what the fuck is going on around me. Its the most debilitating and hellish/scary thing ever. Only thing i could compare it to is it feel like im being born again into a new world ive never been apart of. If you dont experience it now, has anyone ever experienced it or can relate to what im talking about ? & did you ever eventually get over that aspect of DP/DR or did it atleast get better?


Do i have DP or DR ?

07 November 2019 - 10:37 PM

I have struggled with DP/DR going on 2 years now from weed induced panic attack, as of a couple months ago i had considered myself around 70-75% recovered until i had a full fledge panic attack that sent me exactly back to square one .. sad.png *NOTE* Panic attacks are not common at all for me and never had them in my daily life until the Weed induced one so im thinking this panic attack is the reason im back to square one so anyone new reading this, DONT think that having a panic attack will make you relapse, as i said panic attacks are super rare for me which is why i think it had such a huge impact.

 

anyways.. the more ive thought about it recently, im not even sure if i even have DP and if its just more full fledge DR.

I know they are somewhat same sides of the coin but im going to list my symptoms and if you guys could provide me feedback on which you think it is. 

 

since i had a panic attack a couple months ago and consider myself back at square one, the symptoms this go around are still the same as the first and as follow: 

 

- Nothing seems real at all like i am in a movie.

- Any and all objects inside places or outside in nature seem super fake

- Constantly reality testing, asking myself if this or this seems real.

- People look and seem like robots to me.

- Literally nothing makes sense to me, life doesnt make sense, reality doesnt make sense, our brains dont make sense

- Just feel like im high 24/7 even though i havent been high since i got this 2 years ago thats just how i compare it

- Just like im suuuuuper spaced out, like things that are happening are animated

- Just seems like life and reality is completely different than what i once knew

- Dont even remember what it feels like to feel normal

- Looking down at my body, my body parts dont really seem a weird size or detached they just dont seem real to me. (although if i really did think about it long enough i could feel like im just my eyes trapped inside my body. but thats only if i sit here and think about it)

- I still have emotions kinda, but i feel so out of touch with them and self/internal reflecting is terrifying to me.

- If i look at someone face long enough they start to seem less and less real to me especially if i look them in the eyes for too long.

- Persistent existential thoughts (what is life, why are we here, how do thoughts/memories work)

- When i look in the mirror i know its me im looking at but it just is super weird to me and i dont look real at all

 

 

Also.. for those of you who do think it is DR, do you think my recovery process will still be the same as most of you with DP? I know you might say "recover as you did the first time" but i dont even really know how i started to recover the first time because 2 years ago when this happened, i knew it was DP/DR but i never visited this site or forums and tried to keep all research to a minimum which is now my biggest problem.. :/ i was on prozac for a little bit the first go around which i feel like gave me a huge jump then i moved into a house with all my friends and didnt look back which i assume is what got me to the 70-75% mark. (The 30% i was lacking was because i still had the habit of reality testing, and thinking about my symptoms. Not every second of every day, but still a few times a day i would say)


Confused..

07 November 2019 - 02:03 PM

All these recovery stories and all this advice i read always says "you will have good days and bad days its part of the process" but i dont even know what a good day is. My resting mental state is DP/DR 24/7 i literally feel the same every second of the day single day how do i even know if i feel different. They always mention "when you focus really hard on something youll notice you distract your mind away from it and when youre done with the task you notice it returns" but i feel like even when im doing something that still requires my full attention i STILL feel FULL DP/DR. Its such a hopeless feeling does anyone know what im talking about ... 

 

Its like if i can have that one split second of "wow i kinda forgot about it" EVEN for a SECOND i would feel a morsel of hope. i dont even care that im getting dragged back to the deepest pits of DPDR right after, i just want to know that second of hope is even out there for me to see.


Someone please help me..

05 November 2019 - 09:17 AM

To start things off and to make a long story short. Around 2 years ago i was induced with insane DP/DR after quitting THC concentrates cold turkey after years of chronic use. I almost cant even recall how how insanely fucked i felt the first few months. I dont even want to go into detail but i know all of you here can relate. Ive always been against medicine but i finally gave in and started taking prozac. After the month of hell of the side effects it causes i actually almost felt completely better and thinking i was cured. Like a fucking moron, i stopped taking them cold turkey like 2 months in to taking them thinking i didnt need them any more. In that period of time i moved out of my parents house and moved into a house with my friends. I still felt DR and some DP during that time but i would say i was about 65-70% recovered. I use that percentage because i still felt DR and had thoughts of DP but they didnt bother me or scare me i just kind of lived with them so i would consider that 30% to make it a full recovery would be me just forgetting about/getting those thoughts out of my mind as a whole. 

 

 

Now, fast forward and 3 months into me moving in with my friends i quit my job because i hated it. I was super depressed and wanted nothing to do with it. Shamefully, i would or used to consider myself a 'scammer' on the internet so i found many ways to make money for bills/expenses which in the end was my downfall. Meaning i could make money not having to work a real job means i never had to leave my room/house/comfort zone. For the next 9 months i was in my room pretty much almost every day. My diet was absolutely horrible along with my sleep patterns, and i was also getting drunk usually 3 nights a week. I was super depressed and super anxiety ridden but somehow i wouldve still considered myself 65-70% recovered. 

 

Now this is where things take a turn for the worst. My lease was getting close to up so i move back home with my parents thinking ill figure the job/living situation out. I was moved back home for a few weeks and things were okay and then it happened... one morning i woke with the most absolute debilitating panic attack ive ever had in my life out of nowhere. I completely lost touch with everything and was insanely shook about it for the rest of the day. Then the night and following morning happened.... i felt so incredibly depersonalized and derealized i honestly think it was worse than the original state i was left in when i got this 2 years ago. I went from being 65-70% recovered to literally back to square one in a matter of a day.. Im typing this almost a month and a half after the relapse and im just so scared. I literally feel like i have completely lost myself and COMPLETELY lost the thought or feeling of whatever it feels like to be normal again. It is constantly in my head all day everyday. I dont know what to do.. i dont want to be suicidal at all but this shit literally makes me not want to be alive because it feel like everything is meaningless anyways and life is one big illusion.

 

The scariest part to me and something i hope atleast someone can relate to is does anyone feel like their symptoms/feelings of DP/DR completely change daily? Im not even talking about some days better some days worse i mean everyday is insanely terrible but everyday is also so different and that scares me so much because i feel like im barely holding on to my sanity by a thread every single day but then i wake up the next day feeling just as bad but COMPLETELY different and feel like i have lost myself even more and am slipping further and further away from reality.. someone PLEASE help me.